FETAL = The position most of us were in as the final minute of play ticked down during a oh so familiar defensive battle between bitter rivals, MICH and MSU.

MICH made it THREE (3) wins in a row against Sparty on Tuesday night, creating a mass of BUTTHURT in the visitors locker room.  Fans of MICH at Crisler arena danced in joy with Wolverine legends, Lloyd Carr, LaMarr Woodley-CHIPS and Denard.  Coach John Beilein was also rumored to “shake it like a Polaroid picture” after handshakes with the downtrodden Spartans of East Lansing (This is being looked into by the NCAA and Dominos Pizza).

Nard Dawg & Roundtree, REJOICE!!!!!!!

Thomas Jonathan Izzo addressed the media after the game.  His disgust and agony of losing a 3rd game in a row to MICH was heard loud and clear. His teams poor play was caused my multiple factors, none of which were his own.  The refs, in Izzo’s opinion, do not know what an “over the back” call is.  Izzo knows, he was at mid court when it happened.  He quickly ran to another ref, pointing, farting and yelling profanity while displaying angar with their turnover call.

"I AM ANGAR!!!!!!!!"

A tired point guard, really fat, big, unconditioned, unhealthy centers who “asked to come out of the game”  can sure bring a team down, according to Izzo.

MSU Coach, Tom Izzo, laughing at his exhausted players as they lose to MICH

Izzo near soils himself as he watches Trey Burke of MICH, dominate

Watch out for this:

Ouch, eyeballs.

Odds are against MICH for the next meeting.  Not just because road wins are rare in the B1G, but because this MSU team is extremely talented and Izzo will most likley eat a strong vat of chili for breakfast, to ensure deathly gasses are ready to be fired at his command.  This is a warning to both teams as well as the fans, especially those in the line of fire.

CAUTION: DO NOT STAY DOWN-WIND OF COACH IZZO

BUTTHURT and DEFEAT

Let’s see what you’ve got. Post your best captions in the comments.

H/T: Other Chris for the picture

A merry Christmas to all and to all Buckeyes a good night.

It was Christmas Eve and the desiccated body of OSU Athletic Director Gene Smith sank into his hospital bed as he watched the flashing lights, indicating his continued existence, on the machine that stubbornly fought against the laws of nature by extending his life. He ruminated over his fall as he ignored the sycophantic prattle of his only visitor.

“Dammit Luke, they said this wouldn’t happen. Why doesn’t the NCAA look into the details of Penn State and leave me alone?”

The Ghost of Buckeye Present, Luke Fickell furrowed his manly brow, “I’m not sure what that has to do with anything Mr. Smith?”

The combination of the too-tight Affliction t-shirt (especially tight on the sleeve to accentuate the bicep!) and Luke’s perfectly coifed hair (still crusty with the latest ‘product’ by Paul Mitchell), might have appeared metrosexual on some men. But Luke’s style, or lack thereof, was more modern douche bag and thus precluded questions about his sexual orientation.

“As I was saying A.D. Smith, Coach Bollman and I have added 3 new draw plays that I think will really come through for us on third down in the…”

“Dammit Luke. No one gives a rat’s ass about the stupid Gator Bowl! Even Charlie Weis jumped ship for Kansas rather than coach in this ridiculous bowl game.”

At that moment a beautiful song bird flew into the room, quickly circled it lifting the heavy presence of mortality with its ethereal presence, and then returned to light on the vested shoulder of the Ghost of Buckeye Past, Jim Tressel.

A pallor came over Gene Smith’s face as he choked out , “Coach Tressel… You didn’t come here to…to… Fire me, did you?”

“No my brother,” responded Tressel in his emotionless monotone. “I came to visit you here in the hospital because that’s my thing. It’s what I do. Besides, as the Ghost of Buckeye Past and the new Instant Replay Consultant in Indianapolis, I am mostly concerned with the past and not the future. Well, certain parts of the past because there are other parts that we just have to get past and not think about any more. Probably no one should have cared in the first place. ”

“Oh this is all so upsetting,” Smith interjected. “Luke, I have to do the thing. Give me the thing.”

Luke’s face screwed up with revulsion as he grabbed the bed pan and handed to Smith.

“NO, the other thing. Get the Bad Man doll.”

Looking relieved, Luke picked up a Maurice Clarett doll that was filled with pins and held it out to Smith.

“NO, THE OTHER BAD MAN.”

Luke quickly handed A.D. Smith a Terrelle Pryor doll muttering a soft apology. Gene tried ineffectually to stab it with a pin but wasn’t strong enough. On the third try he managed to pierce the tiny Terrelle Pryor in the mid-thigh.

“Would like a go at it Coach?” asked Gene as he handed the doll to Tressel. “Give him a good one in the head.”

Tressel chuckled mirthlessly as he turned the doll over, “I have a better idea” as he stabbed it directly in the right buttock.
“Oh well, have to run. I’m expected in the children’s wing, you know!”

The last of the transcendental lightness had just dissipated when a brooding darkness descended upon the room. Two huge men, dressed in black “SEC” shirts, filled the doorway and then parted to admit a much shorter man.
The Ghost of Buckeye Future, Urban Meyer strode into the room, a look of supreme control and confidence on his face.

He was wearing a navy blue shirt with “Muck Fichigan” in orange lettering.

“Why are you wearing an Illinois shirt?” queried Luke innocently.

Urban quickly glanced at Luke, his look of control melting into annoyed confusion. “Illinois? Does everyone hate those jackasses?” Then the mask of command snapped back into place, “It matters not. This entire conference is mine. Mine… MIIIIINE! I’ll take what I please.”

Seeing an opening, Gene piped in his worried question, “Coach Meyer, did you come here to fire…”

Imperiously, Urban lifted two fingers into the air, silencing Gene midsentence.

But before he could speak, Urban’s cell phone starting ringing (ring tone: Cheeseburger in Paradise by Jimmy Buffet.) He glanced at his phone and rolled his eyes with revulsion, “What? Yes Mike, I’m still looking for a spot for you. No, nothing is certain yet. Just get back to spending time with my family, OK.” He closed the phone before finishing with “idiot.”

And then to no one, “Dude rides Brady to a couple Super Bowls and then thinks he can coach in college like he’s like a skinny Charlie Weis or something. LOL rides Brady!”

Gene again. “Urban as your Athletic Director, I demand to know if you came here to fire me?”
Urban looked purposefully at the machines that kept Gene from shuffling his mortal coil* and said in tones dripping with threat. “Fire you? No, no, no. That’s not how we do things in the SEC.”

“We’re not in the SEC?”

“We are now.” concluded Urban with finality as he reached out and pulled the plug.
Darkness descended.

“Urban, why did you unplug the light?”

“Daddy, I’m afraid,” whispered Luke.

*Only on a pseudo-communist Michigan blog!!!

TARTARS!

Guess what I’m doing this Saturday other than nursing a hangover…  I will be watching my (very recent) Alma Mater, Wayne State University, take down Pittsburgh State in the Division II National Championship game.  That’s right.  Big stage, big something, big time Division Two football.

Match-up:

Wayne State vs. Pittsburg State

Kickoff: 11 a.m. Saturday, Braly Municipal Stadium, Florence, Ala.

TV/radio: ESPN2/WDTK

Records: Wayne State 12-3, Pittsburg State 12-1

Lead by what appears to be a 30 year old QB by the name of Mickey Mohner, Wayne State will bring their 12-3 Warriors to their first ever D II ‘ship game in Florence Alabama(?).  Mohner, who has 2,740 passing yards and 25 TD’s, has allegedly been hogging all the game time because his back-ups have only thrown a combined 8 passes.  Head corch, Paul Winters, is excited about the match up and looking to improve his record at Wayne State with another “W” under the ol’ belt (27-37, .422).

Pittsburgh State on the other hand has been to four D II championship games, winning in 1991.  They are good I guess.  They have a 12-1 record and they are named the “Gorillas”.  A football team from Kansas, named the Gorillas.  What is that?  Outside of that, Wikipedia doesn’t tell me much about this team and sports pages are all blocked at work.

Now I know what you are thinking.  “Why should I give a hullaballoo about a Division II football match?”  For starters, Terry Foster was able to write over 100 words about it, so it must have some potential.  But he also wrote an article about their equipment manager. I assume that was his idea because it embodies all the dull and irrelevant qualities that are Terry Foster.

My reasoning is to watch is simple.  I didn’t have a football team to call my own while getting my bachelors at Aquinas College.  Now I got a powerhouse, D2 team to go along with my MBA and $25K of extra debt, so I’m going to cheer this team on cot damnit!  (Pending any MICH home games and whether or not Wayne State is on TV) And for all of you who didn’t go to Wayne State, feel free to cheer them on as well because I don’t give a rats ass if you went to WSU or not and neither do Mickey Mohner and the rest of the Tartars.

Other reasons to watch the Division II Championship game:

• Something to do while you wait for the Michigan vs. Alabama A&M Basketball game to start
• It’s Football
• Maybe you went to school there as well?
• It’s a valid excuse to start drinking at 11am.
• That’s about it.

Pitt State Head Corch (Below)