George Perles

Position: Head Coach 1983-1994

Highlights: Best described as the fat and slow leader of the Spartans for more than a decade, Mr. Perles was the last head coach to take the barbarians to Pasadena. (Please see the dossier on Demetrius Brown to understand how this occurred.) While in California for the Rose Bowl, Mr. Perles was quoted (and I swear that I am not making this up, see the NY Times article from Jan 2, 1988. “These kids come to college to grow, and part of the growing is meeting Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse and going to Universal Studios,” said George Perles, the Michigan State coach.
During the 1994 season, an MSU internal investigation uncovered infractions involving grade tampering by the MSU Athletic Department. MSU President M. Peter McPherson ordered self-imposed forfeiture of all 1994 victories, and Perles was fired after the season. Best characterized as the bastard step child of a genetic experiment between J. Wellington Wimpy, the mooching hamburger eater of Popeye fame and Lenny Small of “Of Mice and Men”.

Where is He Now: Since his fall from grace following the grade tampering scandal, Mr. Perles has been up to unspeakable no good. In 1995, he co-founded the Motor City Bowl, with the obvious, but unstated intention of having a bowl game that may actually want to host the Spartans. And in November 2006, he was elected to the Board of Trustees of Michigan State University. The irony of a coach disgraced in a grade tampering scandal being elected to the Board of Regents of that University is lost on no one… who isn’t a Spartan.

October Swoon

Position: Football Record 2000-2006
Highlights: The numerous seasons of Spartan Football that began with great hope and fanfare, only to end in ruin. This phenomenon is due in great part to unparalleled leadership of Bobby Williams and John L. Smith.
Season: Start Finish Total Bowl Game
2000 3-0 2-6 5-6 None
2001 3-1 3-4 6-5 Silicon Valley Classic (W – Fresno State)
2002 2-0 2-8 4-8 None
2003 7-1 1-3 8-4 Alamo (L – Nebraska)
2004 2-2 3-5 5-7 None
2005 4-0 1-6 5-6 None
2006 3-0 1-8 4-8 None

Charles “Bubba” Smith

Position: Defensive End 1964-1966
Highlights: Considered by many to be the greatest Spartan Football player of all time (this is a backhanded compliment akin to being deemed the tallest midget in the state of Montana). The two most significant games played in by Mr. Smith were the 1966 Rose Bowl where the Spartans lost to Alabama 14-12 and the 1966 Game of The Century against Notre Dame which resulted in a 10-10 tie. Notice that even the “great” Spartans aren’t able to win important games. Mr. Smith appeared to be headed to unlimited success following his selection as the #1 pick in the 1967 draft. He played nine seasons in the NFL with the Colts, Raiders and Oilers.

Where Is He Now: To best put Mr. Smith’s NFL success in context, he is better known for his Now: “immeasurable” acting talents as displayed in such memorable roles as Moses Hightower in the Police Academy film series, a role he had reprised in all but one of the Police Academy sequels (of course he bowed out for one of the series, as he didn’t want to be typecast as an ex-joke who acts like a wooden puppet) and as himself in the Miller Lite beer advertising campaign demonstrating “the easy opening can.” Another fine acting role.

Kirk Gibson

Position: Wide Receiver 1975-1978
Highlights: Another of the all-time Spartan football greats (think of Mr. Gibson as the tallest bald midget in Rhode Island), set several Spartan football records, including 24 touchdown catches, 112 receptions, and 2,347 yards. This level of production was rewarded with a seventh round selection by the St. Louis Cardinals in 1979 NFL draft. Combine this lowly draft selection with his knowledge of the “success” so many Spartans have experienced in the NFL, Mr. Gibson wisely chose to play Major League baseball. Rumor has it that he hit a few meaningful homeruns leading his teams to victory in October – a first in Spartan Athletics.

Where Is He Now: After successfully battling drug and anger management issues early in his career, “Gibby” failed in his greatest lifelong challenge, the battle against hair loss. Currently the bench coach for the Arizona Diamondbacks and spokesman for the International Hairclub for Men.

Brahford D. Sparty

Position: Fugitive from the Law 1989 – Present
Highlights: Mr. Sparty was arrested in April 1989 for selling alcohol and marijuana to minors and possession of child pornography. Shortly after being detained, Mr. Sparty escaped from the Jackson State Penitentiary in August 1989. In desperate need of seedy place to lay low, Mr. Sparty thumbed his way north on M-127 to East Lansing. (Not everyone paid attention to the “Don’t Pick Up Hitchhikers Signs, Prison Area” signs around Jackson.) Mr. Sparty quickly realized that he needed a new persona. Thus he joined Alpha Tau Omega fraternity, donned the Green and White and purchased football season tickets. After a few too many beers tailgating prior to the first game of the season, Mr. Sparty made a drunken spectacle of himself, falling out of the stands and onto the field. Since no one was interested in the game, the denizens of the stands watched the drunken convict parade around the field and harass the female cheerleaders. BRAH!!! He has been a staple of Spartan home football games ever since.

Mr. Sparty has taken a particular distain for the treatment he receives when traveling to Ann Arbor. The Wolverine cheerleaders spent the better part of the 1990s crushing Mr. Sparty’s pea-sized member into the goal post in the North endzone of Michigan Stadium. Mr. Sparty was quoted after the first such incident in 1990 as saying, “I knew those Michigan cheerleaders are all queers and lesbians. That’s why they aren’t hitting on me. And if they were as hot as Spartan girls, I would have hit that!!”

A fictional character, Sparty is actually the most successful athlete in Michigan State History – a three time national champion mascot (2004, 2005 and 2007) competing at the Universal Cheer Association Nationals Competition in Orlando, Florida. (I kid you not)

Where Is He Now: Following his failure to make the cast of the movie “300”, Mr. Sparty began a long bout of binge drinking and meth addiction. It has been a daily struggle for the affable fugitive to get through, with most days being spent watching the “300” DVD and throwing empty Busch Light Draft cans at the TV. Fortunately for Mr. Sparty, he was able to complete his undergraduate degree in Criminal Justice without leaving his bedroom, or shaving. He has determined that he will lift his spirits by finding the best tattoo artist to ink his “massive guns” with a sweet barbed wire tat with “300” just below it.