Wolverine Liberation Army

Use the arrow keys to move Charlie. Turkeys are +5, Lipitors are -10, and watch out for shitty 2-8 teams. If your score hits zero you lose. Hit 280 and you win. Also, surprise alternative ending for those who haven’t guessed already. Music is from Autumn Thunder

Click here for Charlie Weis nom nom nom madness

HAPPY THANKSGIVING COMRADES!

To Our Friends at Notre Dame, you Golden Sons and Daughters of God on High: In the tender glow of Thanksgiving, you have so much to be thankful for! In dramatic departure from recent memory, you decry your voluptuous head coach as a plague and a wart. But friends, he is a gift. A gift from Bo Bice Jesus. Did you think you would return to glory overnight? These things take time, friends. And so, as you celebrate Thanksgiving, as you feast upon your cabbage and your blood sausage, be thankful for all he has done. And, on Monday, take action. Give this man a lifelong extension. And, in your Catholic guilt, think of this: he deserves better than you.

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My son is twenty seven years old and stands three feet, eight inches tall. He is a little person. His name is Dick. My name is Dick, too.

When Dick came along, we were overjoyed. I was twenty nine, she was twenty six and he was our first kid. Turned out, our only kid.

When Dick was four, she died in her sleep. The doc said she had an irregular heartbeat. Her name was Mary and I’d known her since I was fifteen years old. I met her at the county fair. She was showing chickens and I was showing hogs. That was the year I sold a pig to the Centreville IGA for 75 dollars.

Fast forward seventeen years and she’s dead and I’ve got a dwarf for a kid.

Life is harder for short folks. They can’t reach into the cupboard for a juice glass. They can’t re-adjust the showerhead and they can’t sit at a normal sized table in a normal sized chair.

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Struggling through a 3-9 season has been a new and difficult experience for most Michigan football fans. Many within the fanbase have had trouble reconciling this record with their own perception of where the team should be. Others have collectively lost their fucking minds.

In an effort to gain some perspective on the 2008 season, U-M’s first nine loss season in history, the WLA introduces William “Bill” Rasmussen, Jr. Bill is a 35 year season ticket holder to Indiana football. During this time frame, the Hoosiers have posted a 0.3893 winning percentage. Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Rasmussen:

WLA: Hello Mr. Rasmussen, thanks for joining us.
WR: (sighs)
WLA: OK, as you probably know, U-M and Indiana had indentical 3-9 records this season. For U-M, this was an entirely new experience. For Indiana, not so much. Your thoughts on this season?
WR: Well, we beat Murray St. and Western Kentucky. So, that was nice. Can’t say I saw losing 62-10 to Purdue coming. Those guys are tough, huh?
WLA: I suppose. Just be glad Siller didn’t start against you guys or it might have been worse.
WR: Worse than 62-10 and over 400 yards passing? I kind of doubt that.
WLA: Point taken. Walk me through a typical game day at Bloomington.
WR: Well, for a noon game, it’s up at 8:00 AM. I usually head down to the stadium for some early tailgating. I’ll eat some Jimmy Dean sausage patties, a fistful of quaaludes and wash it all down with eight to ten Bloody Marys. About 45 minutes before kick, we start to make our way inside and get to our seats. Sometimes we openly weap along the way, sometimes we don’t. Then, more often than not, it’s three hours of unadultered misery. After the game, I head home to my filthy, ramshackle, one bedroom apartment and watch the usual triptych of “Requiem For A Dream”, “8 MM” and “Se7en” to cheer myself up.
WLA: And the rest of the week?
WR: Since I can’t hold a job because of all the psychological damage the team has inflicted upon me, I usually head down to the sperm bank or donate some plasma. Those season tickets don’t pay for themselves. Anyway, rinse, wash, repeat for 35 years.
WLA: (stunned silence)
WR: What else?
WLA: Ummm, holy shit. Errr, sorry. Anyway, both Lee Corso and Gerry DiNardo have been head coaches at Indiana, earning the school the title “Cradle of Shitty College Football Analysts.” That’s something to be proud of, right?

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Over the course of the season, the evil capitalist media has made much of Comrade Rodriguez “refusing to adapt” his offense to the Michigan personnel. Media nay-sayer turned blogger-nay-sayer Jim Carty has complained about play-calling not favoring the players, specifically on the offensive line. Columnists Michael Rosenberg and Lynn Henning (whom we’ve linked too much in the past) have joined Carty in pining for Lloyd Carr, while peddling the “square-peg/round-hole” meme. Many comment threads from the wild-west of MLive to the saner ground of MGoBlog have blown up with similar complaints. Comrades, we are here to tell you not to believe the bourgeois media that would fill your head with lies in the hopes of dampening Comrade Rodriguez’s revolution.

First, let us investigate the claim laid by invetigativve journalist par-excellence, Jim Carty. First, Carty claims that this season would have never occurred under dear departed Comrade Carr:

“Well, when’s the last time Carr lost to a MAC team? When’s the last time he lost to a 1-4 team?”

The answer, clearly, is never. However, Mr. Carty, when was the last time Coach Carr coached the 2008 Michigan Wolverines? Rodriguez did not coach Chad Henne, Tom Brady, Drew Henson, Michael Hart, Jake Long, or Charles Woodson. Jon Jansen, Steve Hutchinson, and Jeff Backus were not starting on this offensive line. Larry Foote and David Harris were not covering the running game and passing game simultaneously. No, this team returned a single offensive starter, something unmatched in Carr’s experience (when Henne and Hart started as freshmen, the other 9 offensive positions were occupied by returning starters). Would Carr have won more than 3 games with this team? Possibly. Would he have won enough to avoid making this the worst team in recent memory? No.

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The capitalists have been hard at work this season. As expected, they have resorted to lies and libel to discredit our mission. An outpost of sensibility and deranged fervor, we have railed against unrealistic expectations, the Cult of Barwis-izing, and spoken to the necessity of leaving the success of the past in the past where it belongs. But this message has been reduced by the imperialists, who tell their followers that we are dragging them down. They spread hate and doubt about our glorious leaders and try to pull our faithful comrades down into the muck. On the one hand, they decry the soldiers who did not “buy in” to the revolution, but then try with their underhanded tactics to keep you, the worker and lifeblood of our movement, from buying in yourself.

Perhaps we have distorted our own mission at points, through violent drunken anger at the rebels. We take some responsibility for this. During the heat of battle, we have taken the rhetoric to extreme heights. But we do this only for the benefit of the people.

You see, what pigs like Jim Carty and his ilk fail to see is that we are on a mission from the Football Gods.

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