We understand that our fellow Revolutionaries have a thirst for Zima and knowledge regarding the future recruiting targets of Comrade Rodriguez. To quench that thirst, the WLA has tapped into our vast network of informants and sent numerous Revolutionaries into the field to scour the country to seek our future gridiron soldiers. We have taken extreme measures to identify, qualify, and rank the future recruits and present the single most important recruit for each of the classes during Comrade Rodriguez’s leadership of our football team.
We present to you, our Very Mostest Critical Recruits By Class: Part I (2010 – 2014)
Recruiting Class – 2010 (Junior): Devin Gardner (Dual Threat QB / 6’4″ / 196 lbs / 4.63-40 / Inkster (Inkster High School), MI)
Possibly the #1 rated QB recruit in the 2010 class, Devin has been compared to Vince Young as they share a similar build and athleticism. And Devin favors the #10, just as Vince did at Texas. What makes this recruit very important is that Michigan needs to continue the recent trend of only starting freshman QBs. With Steven Threet leaving after starting as a freshman, one must assume that The Tate or Shoelace Robinson, whoever has the most experience, will leave following the season, requiring a new freshman to plug into the offense. Mr. Gardner, the role is yours for 2010.
YMRMFSPATGIYAAOAJM*: Vince Young (Texas, Dr. Phil)
Coach’s Take: My epinion that Devin Gardner not just GOOD passer, also good RUNNER.
Recruiting Class – 2011 (Sophomore): Susie MacPherson (Supermodel / 5’10” / 112 lbs / 5.92-40 / Sydney (Dulwich High School of Visual Arts & Design), Australia)
Everyone has been wringing their hands over the issues in the defensive backfield and Michigan’s need to fill those holes, including the pending graduation of Donovan Warren, but that fails to observe what is really important — keeping the recruits already in the program. Susie is widely known as the beautiful niece of former supermodel Elle MacPherson and she is looking to attend university in the States. By signing Susie, the possibility of losing either Tate Forcier (aka White Jesus or The Tate), Denard Robinson (aka Shoelaces) or hopefully Devin Gardner (aka VY 2.0) to the transfer fairy that stole Steven Threet from us, we will be greatly reduced.
YMRMFSPATGIYAAOAJM: Elle “The Body” MacPherson (Sports Illustrated, Young Boys’ Dreams)
Coach’s Take: Susie not just MALE but also FEMALE.
Recruiting Class – 2012 (Freshman): Chris Spielman, Jr. (MLB / 5’11” / 169 lbs / 5.17-40 / Dublin (Dublin Scioto High School), OH)
The oldest son of four time NFL Pro Bowl and former OSU linebacker Chris Spielman, is widely expected to be among the most sought after recruits in the 2012 class. Seeking to following in his father’s footsteps into the national conscience through modeling opportunities for consumer products (the NFL is his fall back option to fame). The recruiting battle between OSU and Michigan will be intense. Michigan will need to better the offer Tressel has put forward of having young Chris’ face grace the Seagrams’ Wine Coolers container.
YMRMFSPATGIYAAOAJM: Chris Spielman (Ohio State, Wheaties)
Coach’s Take: Spielman not only have GOOD motor, but also PRETTY face.
Recruiting Class – 2013 (8th Grade): Frobozz Tamoshanter (Long Snapper / 5’5″ / 272 lbs / 7.62-40 / Kalkaska (Cherry Street Intermediate School), MI)
After four years of producing top 10 national recruiting classes, but likely losing the in-state battle to MSU, Rich Rodriguez will finally say, “fuck it” and decide that he needs to sign 24 recruits all from the state of Michigan. Unfortunately, there are only 23 kids even worth considering for D-1A or D-1AA scholarships. But having made his intentions known to the local media, he will stick with his commitment and target Frobozz, currently an eighth-grader. The downside: there will be a huge hole in the roster comprised of this compromised class. The upside: MSU will have no players available for them to sign and MGoBrian will have no problem Google stalking Frobozz (unfortunately, the local news articles are more likely to discuss his success in the local fishing tourney and hunting kills than his on field accomplishments).
YMRMFSPATGIYAAOAJM: George Morales (Michigan, Big Ten Burrito)
Coach’s Take: Rich Rodriguez need recruit not just WAYNE COUNTY, but whole STATE OF MICHIGAN. Tamoshanter good NAME and RAKISH HAT.
Recruiting Class – 2014 (7th Grade): Michael Mathers (RB / 5’1″ / 96 lbs / 6.11-40 / Detroit (Munger Middle School), MI)
Young Michael can regularly been seen running along the curbs of his street, executing perfect flips over the mailboxes and fire hydrants in his neighborhood, or dropping a fresh set of misogynistic lyrics to a random beat. But can you fault the kid? He’s been driven to limits of sanity by multiple head injuries and a bat shit crazy girl in his home room class named Kim. His interests outside of football include urban music and digital video, as he dreams of seeing his explosive runs and explicit celebratory lyrics captured on You Tube.
YMRMFSPATGIYAAOAJM: Sam McGuffie (Michigan, Rice, Michigan Medial Center)
Coach’s take: Mathers not only SLIM but ALSO shady.
* YMRMFSPATGIYAAOAJM == You May Remember Me From Such Players As This Guy If You Are As Old As Jamie Mac