As has been shown in 1940′s Europe, Turkey in 1915, the Soviet Union in the 1930′s, and Bosnia in the 1990′s, the world, often, is all too willing to turn a blind eye to atrocity and mass-killing on unprecedented scales provided the ugliness doesn’t make a regular appearance in their every-day life. The press is often loathe to report such news, and government is often hesitant to involve themselves. The moral responsibility we should all feel to help end the current situation in Darfur – in which Sudanese troops subsidize and frequently aid Janjaweed militias in their persecution, systemic rape and murder, and displacement of large swaths of tribal enemies into disease-ridden, starving camps - is obvious. The WLA encourages anyone to help by giving a few bucks, or writing your local legislator to encourage them to continue passing aid and peace-keeping bills.

However, something has occurred in the past days that strike the WLA deep to the core – something that makes this tragedy hit home and prompts us to marshall our considerable strength to end this untenable situation even more quickly. Comrades, Mia Farrow has gone on hunger-strike. Now, this has nothing to do with a deep-seeded obsession with Woody Allen, or even a post-Rosemary’s Baby crush (was the annoying Japanese Cameraman really a stereotype in the sixties? Fascinating.). It doesn’t even have anything to do with Farrow’s already scary resemblance to a skeleton. No – Mia Farrow is the Last Unicorn. Moved to help an oppressed people, the slight Farrow has put herself, and her entire species at risk in order to save the Darfur.

Farrow has already once saved her kind – sacrificing her one true love to rescue the Unicorns from the clutches of the evil Red Bull, who sought to exile all that is magical and pure to the briny ocean (this is why the WLA endorses Zima).

As has been continuously demonstrated, the WLA does not have any qualms about crushing the ignorant, massacring the ill-informed, and tormenting the unreasonable. We do, however, draw the line at  any harm coming to our Revolution’s one, great resource – the Unicorn. Without Unicorns, Tate would lose his grit, Ricardo Miller would lose his Michigan-Man-ness, and Brandon Graham would be reduced to a quivering pile of weakness at the feet of every offensive lineman. Barwis would speak in soprano and own housecats. Have you seen these recruits? They’re too little to survive without Unicorn power! Comrades, we can’t allow this tragedy to unfold. Farrow has done so much, and sacrificed so greatly for the continued existence of her fellow unicorn – the least we can do is change international political conditions in order to get her a sandwich.

The equation is simple – save Darfur, save Mia Farrow. Save Mia Farrow, save the Unicorn. Save the Unicorn, save Michigan football. Oh, and you should probably boycott Red Bull (we recommend this alternative). The electron receivers (and Darfur) will thank you.