Defender at the Gate: Stevie Brown

In the winter of 2006, superrecruiter Andy Moeller landed a gem of a safety from Columbus, Indiana. Anticipation and hope increased as Michigan fans projected this highly-rated recruit to be the next Marcus Ray. Yes, the Stevie Brown Era at Michigan was about to begin.

But then, The Stevie Brown Era actually began and fans and the defense have not been the same. Since his arrival, Stevie Brown’s performance at Michigan has been, well, a little disappointing to say the least. He was seen “trying very hard to grab his penis but falling down and watching it score a touchdown” in his debut in The Horror of 2007, and then didn’t see much playing time thereafter. Early in 2008 he was (at least partially) to blame for getting burned on a 1 receiver route in Hurricane Jimmah. Throughout the rest of the season, he frequently crashed gameday liveblogs with missed tackles and poor coverage. The Stevie Brown Era has indeed been a struggle.

Not his finest hour

Not his finest hour

Always chasing

Always chasing

But it is always darkest before the dawn, and I insist that THIS.IS.THE.YEAR for Stevie Brown. This is the year he “puts it all together” and becomes a sturdy Defender of the Revolution. How do I know this? Because yet another defensive coordinator has come to town to work his magic, and unlike previous wizard-hatted defensive schemers this one has magnificent hair that will not be covered up denied.

And in a sign that Stevie Brown is making immediate progress, Gerg’s HairTM noticed that he was playing in the wrong position! Gerg’s HairTM remedied this problem and placed Stevie Brown in a position that will take advantage of all his highly-rated skills. So now, comrades, instead of introducing you to Stevie Brown, Roaming Backfield Assassin, I introduce you to Stevie Brown…spinner? Spinner?!? Please hold one moment…

Behind the Scenes IMing
cfaller96: I can’t do this. Seriously, we’re calling him a spinner? What is he, some sort of undersized male gigolo? WTF am I supposed to do with this?
Dex: You will praise Stevie Brown as the new Spinner, and you will like it. Here are 5 things that will happen if you don’t:

1. I will kill your puppies.
2. I will get out the genital cuff.
3. I will have BJ make it so the only website you visit is GBMW.
4. No more bagels.
5. No more sausages- of any kind.
5a. No more juiceboxes.
5.1 No unicorn rides on Sparkles for a week.

cfaller96: That’s, like, seven things. Can’t you count?
Dex: I am emailing BJ right now.
cfaller96: All right, all right! Fuck it, he’s our Heroic Spinner.

…we’re back, and I apologize for the delay. Please honor our newest Defender at the Gate- he is Stevie Brown, Heroic Spinner.

How is the Spinner an integral part of defending our women and children endzone? He has multiple responsibilities. The Spinner will contain the backside. The Spinner will cover the tight end. The Spinner will jump in the slot. The Spinner will do all sorts of ambiguously sexually named things on the football field. Yes, tall and fetishistic ladies, The Spinner is here for you, to protect you and feel safe from those other overbearing “big” men!

Comrades, please celebrate our newest Defender at the Gate and First Protector of Tall Women: Stevie Brown, Heroic Spinner!