Comrades, once again comes the time where we must ask you, the great proletariat, to take up arms, and dispatch the greatest impediment, blight, and pest on life in Ann Arbor – the Eastern Michigan Eagle. As the beloved Chairman Mao led the glorious campaign against the hated, pestilent sparrow, we must rid Ann Arbor of the slovlenly, disgusting Eagles.

It is true, friends, that Eagles represent the steadying drum-beat of Capitalism – coming to enslave our Revolution into 9-5 jobs and boring, traditional run-first offensive schemes. This fact alone would be enough to warrant their destruction at the business-ends of our people’s sling-shots.  But comrades, the Eagles represent a much, much greater threat to our way of life, and the success of the revolution.

First, comrades, we need look no further than Homer, Alaskato see the heartache and sorrow that Eagles can bring to a town when their influx is allowed, unchecked. The poor citizens of Homer have seen these disease-spreading carrion cause car accidents with their low-flying flocks, and steal dear pets of the good, working class populace of Homer. The Eagles have even driven off the town indigenous birds – next, we can only assume, come the working people of Homer themselves.

Comrades, you may be thinking “But Eagles don’t live in Michigan!”. I beg you, friends, to look closer. They huddle on our boundaries – claiming the misleadingly named “Ann Arbor Showcase Cinemas” and the beloved Michigan student destination, The Vu – where they entice the University of Michigan populace with their student bodies, but never let us touch, lest we be met with a shrill “CAW!”, and the firm grip of a bouncer.

But Comrades, it does not stop there, they have infiltrated Ann Arbor itself, staffing our Potbelly’s, our McDonald’s, and our busboy jobs. They come to our parties, and drink our beer, crowding Scorekeepers, forcing MICHIGAN students to wait outside, in line, in the cold and rain as they drink $1 watered-down Iced Teas that rightfully belong to us, and dance with women that would be ours were we not so socially awkward. Yes, comrades – the Eagles are already here, waiting. For what do they wait? They have been waiting, comrades, for a leader – one to vanquish the Wolverine hordes to which they aspire.

The Eagles have hired one of our own – coach Ronald Jonathan English. Deposed by the Revolution and stripped of his title of Secretary of Defense, the evil English has brought his inability to defend the spread and his love of covering slot-receivers with linebackers to Ypsilanti. But comrades – what if English was nothing but a mole? What if his laughable incompetence against the spread was a ploy, a ruse – a simple hustle? What if, behind the refusal to adjust to the single play that Armanti Edwards ran all day, the mind of an anti-spread genius lurked, waiting to deploy at the moment he, himself becomes a head man?

Comrades, we cannot afford to wait, or speculate. The Eastern Michigan Eagles must be driven out, now. Take to the streets, comrades! Take to the streets with pots and pans, and bang them, scaring the Eagles to the skies! If they seek to land, disturb them again! We shall rejoice, comrades, as the Eagles fall from the sky, collapse at their dancing poles, and crumble behind their sandwich counters. Victory is at hand, Comrades – now is not the time to overlook the Eagle threat as we concentrate on the evil, Spartan Horde on the horizon.