Week 4 Recap: The Hoosiers pwn’d our predictions. -10 WLApoints for all. NOT GOOD ENOUGH

Week 5: Michigan heads to Sparta this week. Let’s see how they do.

chitownblue

Michigan Offense Prediction: More of the same? Tate plays, and alternates scrambly/freshmany type things with TWJ stuff like diving touchdowns and game winning TD passes. The ground/screen game continues to be our bread-and-butter and Denard comes in to run the ball 8 times or so, throwing two or three times. The $party pass-defense is terrible, so hopefully a deep threat like Hemingway or Stonum can make a difference downfield, and our freshman QB’s can get them the ball.

Offense Key Player/s: TATE I’M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU, IM GONNA LET YOU FINISH, BUT DENARD IS THE MOST EXCITING QUARTERBACK IN THE BIG 10. Denard scores a key touchdown.

Michigan Defense Prediction: Cower in fear? The White White guy will hurt us bad. This is going to be shoot-out.

Defense Key Player/s: The only way we slow down the $party passing game is if we can get to Cousins/Nichol, so Brandon Graham and the rest of the D-Line.

Misc. Player Highlights: Denard accounts for 120+ yards in limited plays.

Final Score: 35-30 MICH.

Musket Rebellion

Michigan Offense Prediction: Tate’s shoulder cooperates and he torches a lackluster MSU secondary for 250+ and 3 scores. Brandon Minor finally sees enough field to have a real game and racks up 125 on 18 carries. Denard scores on a 60 yard run but gets flagged for teleporting. Cries that he is just that fast fall on deaf ears. Rodriguez throws his gum.

Offense Key Player/s: Tate White Jesus comes home to a standing ovation and the 3 cute virgins left on UM’s campus give themselves to him.

Michigan Defense Prediction: Mike Williams plays but Jordan Kovacs is so good that Rich Rod has to get him in the game somehow. He ends up spelling Mike Martin at NT. Kirk Cousins goes off against the JT Floyd/ Boubacar Cissoko two-headed monster for 3 quarters. Keith Nichol comes in and immediately throws the ball to Donovan Warren who takes it to the house. He then spits acid on Sparty and cures an elderly gentlemen of his blindness. Upon seeing Donovan he is immediately cure of his ED. He is awarded 2 Nobel Peace Prizes.

Defense Key Player/s: BRANDON GRAHAM FINALLY… FINALLY GETS A SACK.

Misc. Player Highlights: At halftime Troy Woolfolk and Denard Robinson have a race. Photo finish images remain blurry and no winner is proclaimed.

Final Score: Michigan 42 – Spartans 34.

MRG

Michigan Offense Prediction: With an ailing shoulder, Tate Forcier will go 17-21 with 3 TDs and 0 ints…left handed. Meanwhile, his partner in crime, Denard “Nard Dawg” Xavier Jonathan “Roger” Guillaume “Shoelace” Robinson, runs wild for 150+ yards. In a stunning turn of events, M$U gets one three and out after an errant snap lands in the 10th row of the crowd. Trevor Anderson bemoans the lack of U-M respect for pancaking him repeatedly

Offense Key Player/s: Darryl Stonum will continue to disappoint U-M fans by effectively blocking down field, catching a TD pass and gaining excellent field position on kick off returns. The poor performance will remind U-M fans of the prior biggest disappointment at WR in an M$U game, Braylon Edwards. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Michigan Defense Prediction: Things won’t be easy for the Maize & Blue defense as Kirk Cousins, Keith Nichol, Andrew Maxwell and Brett Swenson rotate through, taking one snap each at quarterback on every possession. Confusion sets in when Swenson tries to place kick passes to BJ Cunningham.

Defense Key Player/s: Brandon Graham gets two sacks. BOOK IT. (I’m predicting this for every game until it happens and then I can pat myself on the back.)

Misc. Player Highlights: Realizing it’s his last chance to do so, Zoltan sends a laser guided punt straight into Sparty’s head, killing him instantaneously and ending Sparty’s reign of terror over children and the elderly.

Final Score: After another tough loss, Mark Dantonio is fired. He shows up to the post game press conference in an Ed Hardy t-shirt, makes fun of Vincent Smith being short, open mouth kisses a cheerleader, demands that M$U games no longer be televised and speeds away in a rented Chrysler Sebring convertible. U-M 37, M$U 28.

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Michigan Offense Prediction: HR Puffenstuff couldn’t stop this Michigan juggernaut on his best day. If it does rain, and it’s a nitrogen charged fast rain, Michigan will score somewhere around 200 points.

Offense Key Player/s: Carson Butler. Cut from the Lions, Butler is returning to the University of Michigan and he doesn’t care if Rich Rod, the NCAA, or society in general has a problem with it. With the game on the line and Michigan driving, Butler will charge out of the stands with a tire iron and waffle a MSU safety, freeing Martavious Odoms up to catch a 79 yard pass as time expires. He will catch the ball on the M 40, and spend the rest of the run juggling it until finally establishing possession on the 1 yard line and diving in for the TD. Butler plants a M flag at the 50, challenges Dantonio and Rod to a handicap match, and sets fire to Cedar Village (+1).

Michigan Defense Prediction: Zuh?

Defense Key Player/s: Wuh?

Misc. Player Highlights: OLD SAUSAGE comes through in the clutch with a vintage 1786 link that has been aging in his basement. It’s an heirloom, and he feeds it to Dantonio by sneaking it in his customary game day breakfast: 14 egg omelet, flank steak, three pounds of hasbrowns, and bacon grease. Like a real man. Dantonio spends the 1st half on the sideline and takes a lead into halftime. Dantonio returns after the half, leading to MSU blowing a 23 point lead when he rotates Cousins and Nichols halfway through every play, resulting in multiple illegal subsitution penalties.

Final Score: 42-37, MICHIGAN.

gs85

Michigan Offense Prediction: “walk” being played by the real pantera, (including Dime bag who rose from the grave for this occasion) in the section that the band use to sit in, causes the offense to work at such a high rate of speed and anger, that 32 different MSU players die of various causes.. A the end of the night, Michigan continues to run its offence against air, compiling stats that will create unbreakable records. 35000 rushing yards, 83/84 passing for 220000 yards (one drop by stonum)

Offense Key Player/s: Denard robinson kills 12 msu players on his own, with supper sonic foot stomps

Michigan Defense Prediction: michigans defense never gets on the field.

Defense Key Player/s: Shafer…. why? because i fucking said so that’s why…

Misc. Player Highlights: several fans (including one with long hair) are complaining about the volume level of the music.. they are last scene heading for a silver trans am…

Final Score: 99-0 (scoreboard unable to keep more than 2 digits, score is not kept in the second half)

Hathachips

Michigan Offense Prediction: Because of a right shoulder injury, Tate practiced left handed all week and is 100% ready to go. “Gee golly, Tate can actually throw the ball a little further down the field left handed” said offensive coordinator, Calvin Mcgee, about Tate’s new ability to switch throw. But due to possible rainy conditions MICH will keep the ball on the ground putting up tons of yards on M$U’s piss poor defense.

Offense Key Player/s: Carlos Brown. In my e-pinion he will rush for over 200 yards and 3 TD’s. E-BOOKED. Plus I just added him to my fantasy team on cbssports.com.

Michigan Defense Prediction: Hopefully Mark Dantonio will continue his QB carousel game plan, utilizing both Nichol & Cou$in$ for a 4th straight loss. Cou$in$ is the better passer of the two, but with potential rain he won’t have a lot of opportunities to keep his team afloat with the highest passing offense of the big 10. They will have to stick to the ground where they average only 117.824533 ypg (against some poor competition). I don’t see M$U scoring a lot of points unless it’s a nice day.

Defense Key Player/s: The defensive line will have a big day. They will keep $party from picking up any big runs and forcing them into a good amount of 3 and outs. Obi Ezeh will get a pick 6 off a short dunk pass from Nichol. BOOK’D

Misc. Player Highlights: M$U has a terrible secondary, either Nard Dawg will throw a pass that isn’t picked off for a TD or run a long one in (70+ yards) for a TD.

Final Score: In most cases a 4-0 MICH team coming to East Lansing to play a 1-3 M$U team would have me talking more shit then Rasheed Wallace after a foul call. But this weekend is different. MICH has a questionable defense, Jim. Their starting QB is also in question and this is their first game away from home all season. I see it being close in the first half but MICH will get comfortable and take $party out big. After the game Mark Dantonio will make fun of dreadlocks in his press conference. 35 – 17 MIIIIIIIIIIICH

Chrisgocomment

Michigan Offense Prediction: Forcier’s arm may fall off, but good news if it does: Brandon Minor will use it to beat the hapless Sparty defense as he RAGES down the field. Minor is going over 100, and will spike Tate’s arm with the winning TD.

Offense Key Player/s: MINOR….will be…MAJOR! Ok sorry, lame broadcaster crutch there. But yes, Michigan’s offense will move on the muscular back of one Brandon Jonathan Minor (no home) (ok, yes homo). I’m going to open my book and BOOK IT as over 100 yards for this young man. Sparty’s defense is the worst thing ever born into this world and Minor will pound them into submission much like one Christopher “Chuck” Perry did in 2003.

Michigan Defense Prediction: Michigan can haz defense? Yes! They can haz! Saturday looks to be 52 degrees and as moist as Bea Arthur after a fresh munging. Michigan State fans would like to believe that they have a smash-mouth hardnosed running game because of Markus Jonathan Dantonio’s bad demeanor and perma-scowl, but in reality Sparty’s running game is teh suxx0rs. They are worse than last year’s 77th ranked rushing attack and with n00b running back Edwin Baker taking the carries we can expect some yakety fumbles.

Defense Key Player/s: Oh man…can we please get some sacks for Brandon Graham? PLEASE? Why come no sacks? Every week we jackasses predict Graham to have multiple sacks. IT’S FINALLY COMING TRUE. I’ll promise this, if he doesn’t drop Cousins or Nichols or Smoker or Stanton or Van Dyke or Burke or whatever piece of crap MSU has under center I will never again predict sacks from Graham.

Misc. Player Highlights: eh…let’s book a long TD from Denard as MIIICH spends a majority of the game running around Michigan State’s ghey defense. Also look for Ezeh to finally BOOM MALLET some running backs as MSU’s offense just does what it does which is what it will always do forever and ever.

Final Score: MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICH – 38 M$U – 24

cfaller96

Michigan Offense Prediction: Tate starts the game, but within the first 3 series he gets hit on his bad shoulder and is out for the rest of the day. The Denard Show begins, and the results are spectacular, atrocious, exciting, soul-crushing, etc. M scores a lot but turns it over a lot too.

Offense Key Player/s: DAVID MOOSMAN PLEASE DON’T WHIP THE BALL SO HARD.

Michigan Defense Prediction: Gerg’s hair arrived in East Lansing yesterday, and so far he is not pleased. The city is a charmless concrete jungle, devoid of any style, happiness, and (most importantly) nightclubs stocked with hungry cougars. Road trips and their requisite hotel shampoo wreak havoc on Gerg’s hair, and anonymous cougar sex is the only thing that keeps him going. Gerg’s hair is haggard, impatient, and sex-starved, and that bodes ill for the Sparty offense

Defense Key Player/s: Boubacar Cissoko will get a pick six, or JT Floyd will. 50/50.

Misc. Player Highlights: Carson Butler will hop into the stands and start a riot. Butler will win and it will be a Brahlocaust, of course.

Final Score: Sparty’s defense can’t stop the Denard Experience, but will get enough turnovers. The M defense is still a work in progress. Sparty 38 M 31

ShockFX

Michigan Offense Prediction: Robinson starts the game instead of Tate, who wasn’t listed on the injury report just to fuck with Mark Dantonio. Dantonio then flips out about honor, dignity, and Nick Saban. Actually, I’m kidding, Tate goes 20-27 with 3TDs. MSU’s defense might be worse than Michigan’s. Robinson probably plays 2 series somewhere though.

Offense Key Player/s: Brown vs phantom tackles. If he can stay on his feet, he’ll get about 150 on the ground, 50 in the air. Boom, JETPACKED!

Michigan Defense Prediction: Best defensive outing of the year, despite massive possessions for MSU due to quick UM strikes. Roh and Graham eat Cousins for lunch with 5 sacks between them. MSU’s offensive line is not goodt.

Defense Key Player/s: Mouton vs outside contain. Seriously dude, push the play back toward Ezeh. As long as they aren’t running directly at Ezeh he’ll do fine. Also, non-Warren corner vs inexplicably decent white MSU receiver. If CMU beat MSU, Michigan should too.

Misc. Player Highlights: Greg Jones of MSU probably decapitates Tate. Robinson then uses his jetpack with turbo to ignite the Spartan’s secondary.

Final Score: Michigan 45 – MSU 30

Bonus! Mark Dantonio Faces 17 – Rich Rod Smiles 3