Iowa – The land of corn, tequila and the Mall of America is our football team’s destination this weekend. For those of you following the team’s movements with a flight or car trip of your own, the WLA Board of Foreign Travels has put together a fact sheet for you. We assume that everyone knows that Iowa City was the birthplace of Cleopatra and Gonorrhea but here are a few facts that you might not know.

1. Osama Bin Laden winters in Iowa City

In his most recent tape aired on Al-Jazeera Osama Bin Laden let loose a few nuggets of information about where he’s been hiding since he became Public Enemy No. 1. The most pertinent of information came as no surprise to the western world, Osama Bin Laden has a place in downtown Iowa City. Now, I’m not linking the city to terrorism. That wouldn’t be right. Iowa City is home to some of the most rabidly patriotic people on the planet. Big Bin Daddy, as he is known throughout the Iowa club scene, just likes the nightlife. And for that we can’t blame him. Who could resist the trappings and extravagances of America’s Breadbasket? From what I hear he plays a mean 4 Square and loves spare ribs. Go figure.

2. Wizard of Oz was filmed on Iowa’s campus

The most fabricated cinematic myth to come out of Hollywood is that Natalie Wood drowned in a yachting accident. She actually lives in Punta Gorda, Florida with her seven cats and a blind dwarf named Mitzi. The second most fabricated myth is that The Wizard of Oz is based on a book by L. Frank Baum. The truth of the matter is that the movie is the story of the formation of the University of Iowa. See the Scarecrow is Gene Wilder, and Dorothy is Tennessee Williams. Wait, maybe I have that backwards. Anyways the Emerald City is the Old Capitol Building. That much I know.

3. Kurt Vonnegut hated Iowa

Kurt Vonnegut didn’t drink because he was an alcoholic. He drank because he was in Iowa City. I mean can you blame him? Any city that Osama Bin Laden would find hospitable would have to infuriate any great American. And never has such a patriot as Kurt Vonnegut existed. Vonnegut once ran across the country naked with the words “Live Free or Die” written on his back in blue and red Sharpie. The “Die” part was written in magic marker to simulate white, but since he wouldn’t let anyone close enough to color over it the whole of America was left with a serious question to ponder. Rumor has it his last work was to be a treatise on the Declaration of Independence entitled, “We Hold These Truths to Be Self Evident – Or, Ruminations on One Bitchin’ Nation.” He was also sour because the administration failed to meet his demands to be paid in virgin coeds.

4. brokeNCYDE was formed outside of Kinnick Stadium

If you look at brokeNCYDE’s Wikipedia page you will notice that it says they were formed in New Mexico. Thankfully we can’t trust Wikipedia for truths on anything. Wikipedia spreads lies like “Americans landed on the moon” and “Thomas the tank engine is not a real tank engine.” I mean, how can Thomas the Tank Engine not be real? He’s on TV and Ringo Starr was there. Is Wikipedia claiming that both  TV and Ringo Starr are liars? I mean, I can see the Ringo Starr part, but TV too? Wikipedia has gone too far.  That would be like saying the government, and history books and our parents have lied to us. If Wikipedia calls my mom a liar one more time I’m going to kick it in the knees until subluxation kicks in. I can’t wait until Santa comes this year. Can you? I thought not.

Anyways, brokeNCYDE was actually formed in a back alley right across the street from Kinnick Stadium. You can Google Earth it and everything. They came up with their “Crunkcore” idea while listening to the crowd’s reactions to various happenings in the stadium. For instance, their hit “FreaXX” was inspired by the crowd’s reaction to when they announce Kirk Ferentz before games. Iowans, much like Mary Sue Coleman, go nuts for some Ferentz. Thankfully for us brokeNCYDE have spread their message to the rest of the world. If they went on tour with ICP and Slipknot the Pope would probably cry with glee.

5. Iowa’s colors are Black and Yellow not Black and Gold.

I’m not an artistic guy. But, despite my lack of training in the arts, I’m also not colorblind. In fact, I’m SO not color blind, that I can spell it “colour” and not look like some sort of British douche bag. So why would Iowa try and pull the wool over my eyes and tell me that their school colors are black and gold? No, you shouldn’t answer this in the form of a question.

Here’s a lesson on color:

Overrated Gold

Fantasy Football Gold

I AIN'T GETTIN' ON NO PLANE GOLD!

CLEARLY NOT GOLD!

Personally I blame marginally funny Iowa blog Black Heart Gold Pants for perpetrating this myth. I mean “Pink Locker Rooms, Pants of Yellow” just doesn’t have the same ring to it. So I can see why they would try and tell the world, no, the cosmos, that their pants are gold. The fact of matter is Iowa’s pants are the same color of my pee when I haven’t been drinking enough water. And if I was pissing gold do you think I’d be back in school? Hell no, I’d be buying an island and importing a perfectly tanned Polish goddess to my tropical paradise.

So there you go, now you can travel with the relative comfort of knowing something about the population you are about to mingle with. They are hard-working, loveable people who have a penchant for Tubgirlesque sex antics. But that’s an entirely different post. Go forth in the name of Michigan, and watch your fingers, they bite.