Week 8: lolfail

Week 9: Hope MIIICH wins!

Hathachips

Michigan Offense Prediction: Minor will get some snaps but only run using his one healthy leg. He will be hopping just below a 4.4 40 speed, just as Barwis taught him this week in practice. Carlos Brown and Mike Shaw will combine for over 250 yds rushing because of how piss poor the run D is for the Zooks (lasting the B10). Tate will look like his old self again, throw a couple TD’s and rush for 1. Nard Dawg will not tie his shoes.

Offense Key Player/s: Every single receiver on the team, I picked Gerg Matthews last week and he was the only one who decided to catch the ball. NO DROPS!!! BOOK IT!

Michigan Defense Prediction: The MICH defense will have a much easier task this Saturday because Illinoise has no real dominating facet to their offense other than this “Juice” character. He is the leading passer (963 yds 4tds) and 2nd best rusher (277 yds) behind LeShoure (285). MICH shuts down Juice early, he throws a couple of picks, fumbles on a scramble and poops his jorts 4 times (he wears them under his pants for good loluck).

Defense Key Player/s: Donovan Warren:1 pick, 2 pass break ups, 8 tackles (2FL) and a sack. E-BOOK’D. Brandon Graham eats the kicking leg of the Illini punter.

Misc. Player Highlights: Tate Forcier enjoys a hot dog on the sideline during the third quarter. After signaling a play, Cone Bone breaks out into the robot dance causing Mooseman break out laughing and miss Tate with the long snap, Tate falls on the ball and both MICH and Illinois join Cone Bone for a Robot Dance-off.

Final Score: The Zookers have only scored more than 17 points in 1 game (against Illinois St.) and average 11.8 ppg against the B10 competition. MICH has averaged 33.8 ppg, 23.5 vs. the B10 and 24 points on the road and 6 of the 8 teams are all better than Illinois so I don’t see MICH having any trouble on Saturday. MICH 35 – Illi-noise 13

Musket Rebellion

Michigan Offense Prediction: Tate switches up his pregame mix from “Yanni: Blows!” to Hatebreed – Satisfaction is the Death of Desire. The resultant rage gets his feet banned in the state of Illinois for excessive violence. After spin kicking his way to 85 yards rushing and 225 yards passing a dilapidated and decapitated Illinois defense calls on the ghost of J Leman to subdue TWJ. But know this J Leman, you might bleed red, white and blue, but Tate bleeds Iranian plutonium. SHOWDOWN!

Offense Key Player/s: Despite Tate’s dominating performance the key player will be David Moosman who will PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T SNAP THE BALL OUT THE BACK OF THE END ZONE.

Michigan Defense Prediction: Since the game will be played on Halloween, Ron Zook’s offensive philosophy will be something along the lines of, “Trick or Treat: I want to keep my job.” Because of this the trickeration will be at max levels on Saturday. End arounds? Yup. Juice lines up as a receiver? Yup. Two quarterbacks at once? Yup. Juice actually has a game bordering on competent? Ehh… Juice torched UM through the ground and the air last year, but this year we are only giving up yards on the ground to Doric column style QBs. Hopefully that white boy the Zooker is starting doesn’t run for 180 and two TDs.

Defense Key Player/s: Little known fact, Craig Roh can shoot his eyebrow hair much like a tarantula can shoot the hair off of its backside. DeathRoh unleashes the fury of the brows, accumulating 6 sacks and 9 tackles for loss.

Misc. Player Highlights: Denard throws 3 picks but doesn’t fumble. Rich Rod gets so angry his red wrist band turns black.

Final Score: 34 – 24 MICH