From: Rich Rodriguez (hotrod@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09, 6:59 AM
To: Greg Frey (freydaddy@michiganfootball.com)
Cc:
Subject: Your fat ass
Put that fucking donut down, get your ass in here and show me how this email works again. Every time I hit “send” it copies in some kid in Arkansas.
Rich
From: Rich Rodriguez (hotrod@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09, 7:14 AM
To: Michigan Football Staff
Cc: Mike Barwis (wolverinepiss@michiganfootball.com)
Subject: NEW GAME – NEW GOALS
First, a happy Sunday to everyone. Thank you also for sacrificing your day off to come in and begin preparation for the Purdue game. As you know, in six days we play for bowl eligibility. Again. To win we must have tremendous execution in every phase of the game.
Scary as Purdue is, I know we can win this game. Those in doubt should take a look at what we have achieved in the last 12 months. When we came here at the beginning of 2008 this team had gone soft and stale, and Bill Martin gave me a monumental task.
He said, “make us proud and win.” Well, we’ve won a few games. And we’ve made some people proud. Remember the Notre Dame game?
He said, “just don’t lose to a MAC team.” We did in fact do this, but as they say in the Lion King it’s all in the past. Hakuna Matata.
He said, “fix that donkeyshit defense.” Well, I brought in Greg Robinson to shake things up on that side of the ball, and the results have been exciting (to say the least)!
He said, “just get to a bowl, dammit.” Then he said, “you have three years hick” and left to go sailing. And now, we are on the verge of getting to a bowl and keeping our jobs for another year (or more!).
We should all be extremely proud of our efforts. We are a long way from fielding a championship caliber team, but we’ve made progress and we’re on the verge of achieving a breakthrough- a bowl game in Detroit!
Let’s do everything we can to BEAT PURDUE! GO BLUE!
Rich Rodriguez
Head Coach
University of Michigan Football
“Country roads take me home”
From: Ryan Mallett (gunforhire@pigsooeyfootball.com) – 11/1/09 7:20 AM
To: Rich Rodriguez (hotrod@michiganfootball.com)
Cc:
Subject: Re: NEW GAME – NEW GOALS
I REMEMBER PURDUE CHICKS THEY WERE UGLY ENGINEERS. KINDA FAT TOO, BUT THAT’S OK BECAUSE THEY WERE SLUTS. OMG IT’S EARLY I JUST GOT BACK FROM THE BARS AND NOW I’M GOING TO BANG THIS BLOND RIGHT HERE ON THE COUCH. I CAN GO ALL NIGHT *AND* ALL DAY THAT’S HOW I ROLL.
THESE GUNS ARE FOR SALE,
RYAN
From: Rich Rodriguez (hotrod@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09, 7:21 AM
To: Greg Frey (freydaddy@michiganfootball.com)
Cc:
Subject: Your fat ass
Get your fucking nose out of Chef’s Weekly and explain why, despite your lazy efforts, the fucking line can’t get 1 fucking yard in four fucking tries my last email went to goddamn Ryan Mallett. That asshat is like a dirty penny.
Also, for some reason changes I make to text don’t fully disappear. What the fuck is “track changes,” you miserable tub of cooking oil?
Rich Rodriguez
Head Coach
University of Michigan Football
“Country roads take me home”
From: Bruce Madej, Sports Information Director (sid@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09 8:30 AM
To: Michigan Football Staff
Cc: Rick Trickett (trickyrick@seminolefootball.com)
Subject: Changes
Sadly, Greg Frey has decided to leave the staff and is no longer assisting the offense. We wish him well in his new career in the culinary arts. However, we have been able to land Rick Trickett as the interim offensive line coach, until a permanent decision is made in the offseason. We’re in the process of installing a new email account for Rick, but in the meantime please correspond with him at his old Florida State address (copied in this email).
Bruce Madej
Sports Information
From: Calvin Magee (calvinball@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09 9:01 AM
To: Michigan Offensive Staff
Cc: Rich Rodriguez (hotrod@michiganfootball.com), Mike Barwis (wolverinepiss@michiganfootball.com)
Subject: Sack Up and Get Ready To Go
You need no reminding of the importance of the Purdue game. This is the big one. The Goal. Our Rose Bowl. A chance for The Pizza Bowl.
Coach Rodriguez and Freddie Jack will brief us at noon in the conference room. Be ready, be sharp, but you’d better be there.
Cal
From: Fred Jackson (fastestever@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09 9:06 AM
To: Calvin Magee (calvinball@michiganfootball.com)
Cc:
Subject: Re: Sack Up and Get Ready To Go
Calvin, I know you think this is no big deal, but please stop calling me “Freddie Jack” in front of the rest of the staff. That nickname is for use only in private, and as Head Coach of the Backs Who Run Fast I find it’s better to remain above the peasants. See you at noon.
Best Regards,
Fred Jonathan Jackson
Head Coach of the Backs Who Run Fast
University of Michigan Football
“Those Who Stay Will Be Champions”
From: Greg Robinson (pertandbouncy@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09 9:11 AM
To: Michigan Defensive Staff
Cc:
Subject: Ideas?
Guys, we really need to put something together that actually works for the Purdue game. I’m thinking maybe we should switch Troy Woolfolk over to a new position, one that I’ve termed the “Prellbacker,” and simultaneously we move Brandon Graham over to the “Coconut Creme” side of the line…I’ll explain at our 3 PM meeting, but everyone else please bring ideas too!
Whew! Ok, off to the showers!
Greg Robinson
Defensive Coordinator
University of Michigan Football
“If You Don’t Look Good, We Don’t Look Good”
From: Fred Jackson (fastestever@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09 9:15 AM
To: Tony Dews (tonytonitone@michiganfootball.com)
Cc:
Subject: Rick Trickett
Tony, as Head Coach of the Backs Who Run Fast I will not be able to devote the time needed to bring Rick Trickett up to speed on getting the offensive line functioning. Since you are lower in seniority, I humbly request that you “show him the ropes” this afternoon before practice. Let’s make sure we don’t have another o-line coach walk out the door, yes yes?
Best Regards,
Fred Jonathan Jackson
Head Coach of the Backs Who Run Fast
University of Michigan Football
“Those Who Stay Will Be Champions”
From: Bruce Madej, Sports Information Director (sid@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09 9:35 AM
To: Michigan Football Staff
Cc:
Subject: Email composition problems – URGENT
Please be careful when composing emails for the time being as any deletions, corrections, etc. you make won’t disappear but will instead show up as text with a line through it. This is the “track changes” feature that was installed by Scott Shafer last year, in his valiant effort to increase collaboration amongst the staff. We are still not entirely familiar with how he put this in but we had managed to turn it off of each of the individual accounts and keep this “bug” away from our emails. However, anytime a user toggles this setting individually it becomes the default setting for the entire group, and inexplicably some as yet unknown user has done this.
For the rest of the morning our administrative staff will be visiting your computers to ensure that all individual accounts have the “track changes” setting turned off. We’ll start with the grad assistants and move up from there- obviously an important week like this requires that we stay out of the coaches’ way, especially the head coach!
Bruce Madej
Sports Information
From: Fred Jackson (fastestever@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09 9:36 AM
To: Rick Trickett (trickyrick@seminolefootball.com)
Cc: Tony Dews (tonytonitone@michiganfootball.com)
Subject: Welcome to the Trenches
Rick, tremendous apologies to you for my not being able to personally brief you on the duties of the offensive line. As you are aware we are in the midst of an extremely important game prep week that will (cross your fingers!) enable us to go to the Pizza Bowl. I’m sure you’re a little confused as to how to coach these fat bearded mules lazy slow goobers “Miniature Paul Bunyans,” but Tony Dews has been made available to answer all your questions.
Best Regards,
Fred Jonathan Jackson
Head Coach of the Backs Who Run Fast
University of Michigan Football
“Those Who Stay Will Be Champions”
From: Ryan Mallett (gunforhire@pigsooeyfootball.com) – 11/1/09 10:03 AM
To: Rich Rodriguez (hotrod@michiganfootball.com)
Cc:
Subject: Re: Your fat ass
DIRTY PENNIES ARE FOR HOOKERS NOT SLUTS AND I DON’T PAY FOR MY SEX. IN FACT THEY SHOULD PAY ME THAT’S HOW GOOD I AM AT SLUTBANGING. WOO SOOEY I’M STILL DRUNK AND LOOKING TO SCORE JUST LIKE IN THE GAME BITCH!
MY ARM IS ILLEGAL IN CANADA,
RYAN
From: Tony Dews (tonytonitone@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09 10:17 AM
To: Rick Trickett (trickyrick@seminolefootball.com)
Cc:
Subject: The Big Uglies
Hi Rick, I’m Tony and I’ll be helping you take over coaching the o-line. Fred Jackson asked me to brief you on your new duties, but I’m a little busy right now getting ready for Purdue. I’ll check in with you this afternoon, but in the meantime below please find a few “rules of thumb” to follow:
- Head Coach Rich Rodriguez: it’s important to remember that “RichRod” (as the press likes to call him) is a complete noob when it comes to technology, and the o-line coach is his primary staffer that helps him in this area. This includes sending emails, playing videos (of either games or “The Lion King”), texting recruits, etc. This is your first and most important duty. Otherwise, generally stay out of his way at all times possible because RichRod’s temper is short and after losses he can be brutal to his assistants.
- Fred Jonathan Jackson, Head Coach of the Backs Who Run Fast: theoretically, the offensive line is supposed to “open holes” for the kids that Fred Jackson coaches. So again, theoretically you work “under” Fred Jackson and he will constantly attempt to remind you of this “fact.” In reality, however, it’s the offensive coordinator that is in charge, and “Freddie Jack” is just a position coach like the rest of us. His (completely fabricated) title sounds grand and he likes to put on airs about how important (and FAST never forget FAST lol) his kids are, but remember Calvin runs the show. Politely ignore Freddie Jack and you’ll save yourself a lot of time and aggravation.
- Calvin Magee, Offensive Coordinator: the director, the producer, the planner, the general, the Guy That Gets It Done. Seriously, do what he says and you’ll be fine.
- Greg Robinson, Defensive Coordinator: rarely does anyone ever see Greg outside the locker room. Nobody knows what he does around here, except take lots of showers and stare at himself in the mirror. Besides, he’s on defense so you don’t need to worry about him.
- Position Coaches: you’re one of us now, and just like the rest of us you’re basically responsible for actually doing what the coordinators deem to be a “good” thing. I’m in charge of receivers so I’m mainly focused on getting the skinny kids to catch and hold on to the damn ball. You should be mainly focused on keeping our freshman quarterbacks (coached by my buddy Rod Smith) from getting hit too much, and also keep them from committing too many penalties (BTW that reminds me you’re going to have to talk to Mark Ortmann, I’ll explain later).
See ‘ya,
Tony Dews
Receivers Coach
University of Michigan Football
“Do the Dew”
From: Jay Hopson (hopalong@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09 10:41 AM
To: Greg Robinson (pertandbouncy@michiganfootball.com)
Cc: Rich Rodriguez (hotrod@michiganfootball.com), Tony Gibson (tonyton1tone@michiganfootball.com), Bruce Tall (notshort@michiganfootball.com)
Subject: Re: Ideas?
Greg, can I be excused from the Purdue gameplanning? I’ve got this line on some really great safety recruits in Mississippi and Louisiana, and I think it would be better for the team long term if I focused on landing them. Keeping up with them on Facebook and Twitter and IMing them constantly is going to put me out of commission for the next couple weeks. Sorry!
Jay Hopson
Linebackers Coach
University of Michigan
“The South Will Rise Again”
From: Tony Gibson (tonyton1tone@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09 10:53 AM
To: Bruce Tall (notshort@michiganfootball.com), Mike Barwis (wolverinepiss@michiganfootball.com)
Cc:
Subject: NEW GAME, SAME SHIT
There goes another game and another weekend. How was it for you guys? I think I’m still drunk from last night. Speaking of which, Mike you are INSANE you are going to die young if you continue to drink that stuff! I mean, the urine of your pet wolves, srsly?
Surprise surprise, Jay is AWOL from the gameplanning…again. Southern recruits are like Lucy’s football to him, I wonder if he’ll ever learn. I’ve got a special “game video” for our 5 o clock “film session” today- this one has a cheerleader scene. I previewed it last night, gents you won’t be disappointed.
Tony
From: Mike Barwis (wolverinepiss@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09 11:02 AM
To: Tony Gibson (tonyton1tone@michiganfootball.com), Bruce Tall (notshort@michiganfootball.com)
Cc:
Subject: Re: NEW GAME, SAME SHIT
Tony, when are you going to learn that the URINE OF FERAL BEASTS is the key to eternal youth? Look at me- I’m 40 years old but I’ve got the body of a 25 year old. Do you think that happens NATURALLY? OF COURSE NOT- I have the fluid from “Sturm” and “Drang” to thank for that.
Looking forward to the video session. You might want to invite RichRod too- he loves cheerleaders.
MIKE BARWIS
STRENGTH AND CONDITIONING COORDINATOR
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN FOOTBALL
“PUT THAT CUPCAKE DOWN!”
From: Rich Rodriguez (hotrod@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09 11:25 AM
To: Greg Robinson (pertandbouncy@michiganfootball.com)
Cc:
Subject: Dixie dipshit
Greg, has there been any game that useless turd Jay has helped plan for? I’m tired of him conning us with these bible belt recruits that end up taking their official visits in fucking November and realize, correctly, that it’s cold in Michigan and no way are they coming here. He’s wasting his time, and have you seen our linebacker play? Honestly, if we don’t win Purdue I’m sending him on a one-way ticket to Biloxi.
Rich Rodriguez
Head Coach
University of Michigan Football
“Country roads take me home”
Auto-Reply From: Greg Robinson (pertandbouncy@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09 11:26 AM
To: Rich Rodriguez (hotrod@michiganfootball.com)
Cc:
Subject: Re: Dixie dipshit
Hello, if you’re getting this message then you’ve unfortunately caught me away from my desk. I assure you that your message is very important to me and I will address it as soon as possible.
In the meantime, here’s a handy haircare tip- did you know that alcohol-based hairspray products can damage roots and dry out the scalp? When styling one’s hair, be sure to use moisturizing gels. The more you know…
Thanks and Go Blue!
Greg Robinson
Defensive Coordinator
University of Michigan Football
“If You Don’t Look Good, We Don’t Look Good”
From: Ryan Mallett (gunforhire@pigsooeyfootball.com) – 11/1/09 11:59 AM
To: Rich Rodriguez (hotrod@michiganfootball.com)
Cc:
Subject: Re: Dixie dipshit
I’VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF DIPPING IN DIXIE IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, I MEAN “BANGING SOUTHERN SLUTS” IF YOU DIDN’T KNOW. I DO THIS ALL DAY LONG, TIME FOR LUNCH GOTTA FUEL UP FOR A LONG AFTERNOON OF THROWING TOUCHDOWNS AND A LONGER NIGHT OF BANGING DIXIE CHICKS.
YOU WISH YOU WERE ME,
RYAN
(To be continued?)
*This concept and a lot of the dialogue has been shamelessly ripped from this book. Media giants please don’t sue us.
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