Hey Buckeyes,
Yeah, we know you’re out there. Whooping it up after your close win at home over a decapitated and poorly coached Iowa squad. We get it. You’re good. You got that hotshot sophomore quarterback. #2 right? Yeah, we played against him on NCAA 2010 and he did alright. Put up some decent numbers. We sacked him DE #55 a few times. We won the game, but it was close. That’s not real life. We get it.
We know you are nestled in that bustling metropolis of Columbus. And when we say “bustling metropolis” we mean infested shit pit that looks like what drips out of Alektra Blue after some serious cream-pie action. But yeah, it’s nice. And hey, you named your city after one of the greatest colonial rapists of all time. That’s cool too. It takes a great city to name themselves after a guy who didn’t really discover America (read a book assholes) and who immediately set about subjugating people against their will. That’s awesome. You even get your own holiday.
(True story: On Columbus Day, the city of Columbus throws a parade. Each dorm and frat at OSU is responsible for constructing a float that looks like a ship. All schoolwork is suspended for the duration of this process, as are Christian values and laws against racism. A parade then takes place where OSU students dress up in the regalia of the period and then jump into the crowd throwing bibles, written strictly in Latin, at anyone who looks like they might have been an indigenous person. Unfortunately these are OSU students so they mostly target Asians.)
From what we hear from Jamie Mac your “team” is favored this weekend. That’s fine. We have become used to being the underdog. We aren’t expecting much, and maybe that is exactly what you want. These aren’t the Cooper years after all. These are the wine cooler swilling, sweater vest wearing, white quarterback benching years of Jim Jonathan “Scrotum Mouth” Tressell, and there’s nothing you fear. Except the SEC (BOOM OVERWORKED SPORTS MEME’D). You guys are good. Real good. You’ve got that terrifying defense, and a long standing predilection for stomping on the little guy. Which is good, because we are not Purdue. We are not a young Matt Barkley. We are Michigan, your most hated rival. And, you’re no Minnesota, but we hate you pretty bad too. But there’s no trophy at stake. Pride, what is that?
We hear you are trying something new out at practice. Something called “homosexual yoga.” We can only infer what that is, but it sounds like it would be useful in the shady red-light areas of downtown Columbus. Or while standing outside of Value City Arena. Down in Columbus, flexibility is important. Almost as important as how many dicks one can stuff in their mouth. Perhaps these are synonymous. We’re willing to bet they are.
We here at the WLA, we understand. We understand that you are “nationally ranked” and “going to the Rose Bowl” and “suffer from irritable bowel syndrome.” We understand that you “like to smell pretty” and “enjoy circle jerks.” We understand that as of late you have dominated the rivalry. And we’d like to think that this will change this year. We’d like to think that for one fine November week that our Maize and Blue clad men will take this chance to become the machine that we’ve been waiting for all along. We’ll hold onto that hope until it shrivels and dies in our palms. Because what else are we going to hold onto? The economy?
So as your rivers catch on fire and as your city is buried deep beneath the sweltering weight of Justin Boren’s ego and proclamations of self-importance, we welcome you to our own little corner of Big Ten country. Try and not leave your shit coolers on our lawns and be respectful. Just as respectful as we at the WLA are of your slack-jawed, inbred, racially intolerant and illiterate fan base. We love you, seriously. We just want to cuddle. No Homo.
Sincerely,
The WLA
P.S. We’re really sorry that you are no longer the dominant program in the state of Ohio. But how can you compete with Frank Fucking Solich ?
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