Yo, America. DEX here. I’m gonna bring the TRUTH to you hard and straight about THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. These are the realest power rankings out there. You come here for rankings that aren’t afraid to SPEAK THE TRUTH and tell it like it is. No punches pulled, no wishy-washy analysis, just pure, chunky, frothy streams of facts raining down on to your face from above. I’ve got opinions, and YOU ARE GOING TO READ THEM.

Now, the actual formula I use is very complicated and involves many notebooks full of numbers and notes. I’ll provide you highlights from those scores for the elite (Top 1/4th) of the league, and just some capsules for those lesser clubs that don’t warrant your attention. But, and I promise you this, I will never reveal the full formula that goes into the Most Accurate Power Rankings In The Interworld.

#1 – Detroit Lions

I can hear you snickering. This is the truth people. Name one offense that played better than the Lions did last week? 38 points. You can’t do it. You wish you could, but you can’t. OH BUT THE SAINTS I can hear you ca-rrrrying in the background. Did they tie the Lions? Absolutely. Did their defense give up fewer points? Absolutely. Is Jeremy Shockey on their team? Absolutely. So, –30 point deduction in SWAG for the Saints because Shockey is like anti-matter SWAG. +40 for the Lions because Matt Stafford played the role of Heroic QB Who Is Injured But Not So Injured He Can’t Win The Game in Dramatic Fashion like a professional. There’s the difference between your offensive juggernauts. LIONS FTW.

#2 – San Diego Chargers

Your future Super Bowl Champs. Another team with a loss over the precious unbeaten Saints? You fucking better believe it. It is true that after a hot 6-0 start the Broncos have lost like a billion games in a row and are going down as fast as (insert slutty celebrity) at a (insert inappropriate but oddly hilarious location here), but I give the Chargers +50 in the STATEMENT Category for walking into Invesco Field and pissing in the Broncos cereal, slapping their pets, and re-arranging the magazines in the bathroom.

#3 – Kansas City Chiefs

In the words of the G.O.A.T., The Nature Boy Ric Flair … TO BE THE MAN … YOU GOTTA BEAT THE MAN … WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Well the Chiefs, along with a few others along the way, BEAT THE MAN this year and therefore climb to the upper echelon of our rankings, which have no regard for such trivial things as overall season performance. On the strength of a strong +80 in the Beat The Champs category, the Chiefs announce to the world they are one of the elite.

#4 – Indianapolis Colts

The Ponies looked solid against a good Ravens team, even though they didn’t torch their suddenly underperforming secondary as much as you might think, but the main reason they find themselves in the Top 1/4th of the rankings this week is on the strength of their +55 score for QB Is Not Tom Brady. There was a time when I was, in true Michigan Man fashion, an unquestioned slurper of the Brady. I have since SEEN THE LIGHT, my brothers. When you watch Peyton Manning, you are watching Leonardo DaVinci if he’d been born a few hundred years later. Painting is for skinny pretentious losers – football is the new Art, and Manning is the vanguard. Convert, lest ye be cast into the dustbin of history as a base slob who only appreciates gaudy Lombardi Trophies and US Weekly Covers.

#5 – New Orleans Saints

Yes, here are the precious point-a-minute Saints. Congratulations on scoring 38 against the supposed NFL caliber Tampa Bay Bucs. Woo-freaking-hoo. They did score +40 for I Still Like Their Uniforms. The Shockey Anti-Swag deduction hurt in their overall standing. Maybe if they HIT SOMEBODY IN THE MOUTH instead of passing the ball like a bunch of wannabe A-11 mincing fairies I’ll bump them up next week.

#6 – Oakland Raiders

A big bump for multiple things – +20 for Beating the Media Darlings, +35 for Nnamdi Asomugha Taking Away 1/2 The Field, and +20 for Frank Caliendo’s Upset Pick Was Actually Correct. They might have been higher but that had multiple minor deductions for Starting a MAC QB, Al Davis Owns The Team, and I Hate Your Fans. Seriously, quit dressing up like “scary” Raiders. It’s dumb. You’re like 40. You aren’t intimidating. In what pathetic mind is a fat middle aged white guy in inflatable spikes and teenage girl level facepaint “intimidating”? Do you think Cedric Benson is frightened by that?  Dude will break a 40 ouncer on your face, Raider fan.

#7 – New York Giants

Maybe those of you with “long term memory” don’t think that a 3 point escape over the ATL is worthy of a move to the Elite, but I don’t deal with your kind. I deal in the present, in the truth, in the REALITY of the situation. You deal in a world of stats and models and gingerbread cars. The Giants looked like their Super Bowl selves once again this week, and get +40 for I Don’t Like Matt Ryan And Enjoy When He Loses. The NY club is going to be tough to unseat if they stay competitive, because as the weather gets colder they have a built in +50 coming every week for Tom Coughlin Red Face.

#8 – Minnesota Vikings

Good team? Absolutely. But Brett Favre is going to throw over 9000 interceptions at some point this season, and the longer he puts it off the worse it’s gonna hurt. So despite big numbers in the APeterson and PHarvin Are Fun To Watch category, they got docked –45 in The Knife Of Inevitable Doom Dangles Uneasily Over Their Heads.

THE REST

9. Tennessee Titans

+20, Vince Young Is Much Cooler Than Most QBs

10. Miami Dolphins

+30, MIAMI DOLPHINS #1

11. Cincinnati Bengals

-20, You Lost To Oakland

12. Philadelphia Eagles

-30, Andy Reid is Fat and Fat People Are Not Attractive

13. Baltimore Ravens

+10, Ray Rice Is Better Than Mike Hart

14. San Francisco 49ers

-20, Not Enough Vernon Davis

15. Green Bay Packers

-30, Offensive Line Actually Local JV Team

16. Chicago Bears

-100, Jay Cutler

17. Denver Broncos

+50, No Jay Cutler, –30, LOLSHON LOLENO

18. New York Jets

-100, Rex Ryan, –200, The Sanchize

19. Arizona Cardinals

-75, Kurt Warner’s Wife

20. Pittsburgh Steelers

-50, You Lost To Kansas City

21. Jacksonville Jaguars

-75, Creepy Mascot, +50, Mojo Drew

22. Carolina Panthers

-75, Same Team as Jacksonville

23. Buffalo Bills

-100, Indifference

24. Seattle Seahawks

-150, Indifference x 1.5

25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

-140, No Creamsicles

26. LA Rams

-300, Almost Bought by Rush Limbaugh

27. Cleveland Browns

-400, Mangini Sucks

28. LOLLAS LOLBOYS

-1000, Tony Romo’s Existence, –400, I Started Nick Folk

29. Atlanta Falcons

-5000, They Still Have a Franchise?

30. Houston Texans

-6000, Andre Johnson Deserves So Much Better

31. Washington Redskins

-10,000, Zorn.

32. New England Patriots

-1,000,000,000. Being New England.