I’m anxiously awaiting the first wave of articles that proclaim Tiger is in for a struggle this upcoming golf season due to the “distractions” his little incident has caused him.

If they are traditionally golf writers, I’ll mark them as page-click hungry idiots. If it’s Rick Reilly, I’ll shrug and continue assembling the nail bomb I’m sending to his office. If it’s someone who doesn’t normally write about golf I’ll just give them a pass on general stupidity.

You see, golf is a pretty hard sport. I don’t feel like arguing with people about this, especially meathead HURRRRR ALL THEY DO IS SWING HURRRR types, so ahead and mosey on over to ESPN.com or something if that’s your thing.

Anyway, back to golf. I have something called The Tiger Law. The Tiger Law states that no person, at any time, can be a perfect golfer. While there is always technically room for improvement until you manage to score an 18 over 18, you can only realistically be so good. Tiger has been programmed from birth for golf, and he has long ago reached his peak. At this point it’s simply a matter of the chips falling his way to decide whether or not he notches a victory.

Golf, itself, is a distracting career. Every golfer, even the worst of the worst, needs to understand three distinct swings. The sweeping driver swing, the downward swing of the iron that is completely counter-intuitive to most at first, and the putt. These are essential movements and all require different skills. You must be able to switch between them throughout the round – and this is why the Tiger Law exists. As you master these, you’ll inevitably notice that some days your drives are far better than your putts or that your irons are awesome. Even if you master all three, you’ll only be a ridiculously terrible player.

To improve, you’ll need to learn to hit from the sand, and how to chip. Add two more distinct movements. To improve from there, you’ll need to learn to fade and draw the ball on command from the tee and with the irons. This pattern continues – to score well, you’ll always need to learn new shots, thus increasing the chances of one of them escaping you during a round.

So while it’s true that Tiger occasionally loses a tournament he could have realistically won by putting better or driving better, he’s never going to be a robot golfer who is on all the time. Neither will anyone else. The guy can play a PGA Tournament in his sleep at this point. Some weeks will be better than others.

Now I’m supposed to believe this controversy is going to be so distracting he can’t play golf? Let me ask you what would be more distracting – sneaking around on your wife with multiple women and trying to keep it hidden from her, your friends, and the constantly hunting media – OR – having everyone know what you did and … well, that’s it.

Maybe I’m crazy, and I’m definitely inexperienced in being a multi-millionaire golf prodigy with a taste for mildly attractive reality show skanks, but it seems to me that having it all out in the open might be less of a burden for Tiger than having his seven iron chucking Stepford Wife hunting through his phone for suspicious numbers.

That’s why I’m here to give you some inside betting advice – take Woods to win every single god damn major this year. You think he won’t have this tuned out by March? The only way to redeem himself is to throttle those other douchewads on the PGA Tour. I half-think he concocted this whole situation to put himself in the pressure cooker.

In conclusion, I don’t care where Tiger Woods sticks his dick. Only where he hits the pi … dammit there’s no good cutesy wordplay to end this with.