WINNIPEG, Manitoba (WLA News Wire) – Standing in front of Winnipeg Arena on Sunday, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman issued a hastily put together press conference. Speaking before dozens of reporters, “the Commish” as he likes to be called, stepped up to the podium out of breath, but with a spring in his step and a gleam in his eye. After thanking everyone for coming to Winnipeg, which he called a “vapid wasteland, best known for churning out Dudley Do-Rights,” Mr. Bettman got down to brass tacks.

“Over my tenure as Commissioner for the National Hockey League, I have implemented several initiatives, which I call ‘Bettman’s Betts’,” he began before elaborating on his more notable accomplishments, including rapid expansion into disinterested markets, affiliation with Fox Broadcasting and glowing pucks, and active interference in the relocation of teams to favorable, supportive locales. But to date, none of them have been successful in accomplishing his ultimate goal – to destroy professional hockey.

Inspired by a recent game in Russia, where player brawls led to almost 700 penalty minutes and resulted in cancellation of the game due to too few players left eligible to play, an excited Bettman unveiled his latest Bettman Bett: “Operation Hanson Brothers (not the band).” Mr. Bettman reasoned that if it was impossible to play the game, it would be impossible for professional hockey to survive.

“This certainly isn’t the first time I’ve tried to kill hockey,” admitted Bettman, referring to the player lockout of 1994-95 which slashed (ha!) the season almost in half from 84 to 48 games. “I even went so far as to completely cancel an entire hockey season in 2004. But the damn thing is a cockroach.

“After seeing the events in Russia, I realized that I acted too abruptly. I tried to use a dulled machete, when I should have used a scalpel. We need to understand this cockroach, learn its behavior and then exploit its instincts. And what do hockey players like to do most? Fight. By actively encouraging players to fight and getting them to the penalty box early and in droves, we hope to prevent games from ever being finished. No wins. No loses. No playoffs. No nothing. But what WILL be finished is professional hockey.”

While many of Mr. Bettman’s attempts to destroy hockey have met with failure, such as his efforts to rename the Stanley Cup as “The Kraft Cheese Nacho Bowl” and introducing half-time shows featuring Dane Cook and Andrew W.K. in the middle of the second period, Mr. Bettman has not been deterred. “With a little effort, every NHL franchise across North America, every hockey venue will look like this,” said a beaming Commissioner while gesturing to a dark and empty Winnipeg Arena.

When reached for comment for their expertise in driving organizations into the ground, Rick Wagoner, Matt Millen, Ken Lay and various UAW leaders called Bettman’s plan “daring,” “brilliant,” and “sure to drive a stake through hockey’s heart.”

As expected, fan outrage at Bettman’s announcement went largely ignored by the NHL.