This week, it was announced that the hateful Virginia CavaLOLiers poached University of Michigan Provost of Academic Affairs Teresa Sullivan. Was does this mean to you? According to the website of the Office of the Provost, 

The Office of the Provost works to strengthen this foundation. Our role is to support research, teaching, and public service that pushes the frontiers of knowledge and enhances civil society. To do this, we work with UM President Mary Sue Coleman, the deans and faculty leaders of the academic units, and the larger faculty to set academic priorities and allocate funding to carry them forward. Our goal is to encourage and sustain an environment of creativity, rigor, support, and openness that aids faculty, students, and the wider community in their search for knowledge.

BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH. What does this mean to things that matter at the University – like FOOTBALL AND BASKETBALL? It cannot be questioned that Michigan’s Football and basketball teams struggled under Provost Sullivan’s watch – she inherited a solid football program in 2006, but then watched it slowly sink into the ground under her tenure. The basketball team’s worst season in decades (2007/2008) also happened on her watch. Needless to say, the University, when re-hiring this position, needs to re-evaluate what’s important to the money- the alumni-base and the supporters of Michigan athletics, and stop worrying about the STUDENTS who contribute nothing financially the school.

To help YOU, the University of Michigan Football Fan, properly support your candidate of choice, the WLA has broken down the viable candidates:

LSA Dean Terrence J. McDonald

• Experience: PhD from Stanford, 1979. Professor of Modern American Political and Urban History. Stanford Intramural Hockey Runner-Up, 1977. Wilson Elementary 100-yard dash, 3rd place, 1951.
• Offensive Philosophy: Tax Breaks for the Middle class.
• Defensive Philosophy: Nuclear Disarmament
• Michigan Man-ness:  As a STANFORD MAN, likely has closer ties to Jim Judas Harbaugh.
• Verdict: We need a MICHIGAN MAN to Provost Michigan, especially given his lack of athletic achievement.

Dr. Tim Hebson, Dean of Students, University of Alabama

• Experience: Presided over the University of Alabama’s National Championship in football. According to bio, “enjoys sports”. PhD in Education from Alabama, 1996.
• Offensive Philosophy: ROLL ‘BAMA.
• Defensive Philosophy: ROLL TIDE.
• Michigan Man-ness: None.
• Verdict: Hebson has proven himself an elite academic administrator at a football institution, as evidenced by Alabama’s two consecutive BCS appearances and recent National Championship. There are some concerns as to whether the Jim Stapleton faction will accept another outsider at Michigan. Hebson would undoubtedly be an excellent choice, however.

Mike Hart, RB, Indianapolis Colts

• Experience: Four-year letter winner in football, 5040 yards rushing. 1280 on the SAT. Michigan, class of ’08.
• Offensive Philosophy: Rock.
• Defensive Philosophy: Calling Sparty “Little Brother” to paper over career of OSU and bowl game failures.
• Michigan Man-ness: Off the charts. Recent DNA testing have revealed Hart to actually be an illegitimate son of Bo Schembechler, resulting in off-the-charts intangibles such as moxie, grit, and gumption.
• Verdict: No question, Hart would be an elite choice for the position, after being steeped in Michigan tradition for over four years and being the face of Michigan athletics for much of that time. There’s the small problem of his NFL career conflicting with his ability to fulfill his duties as Provost, but that’s likely only a very temporary inconvenience.