From the desk of SirMajesty Dr. Big Jonathan Boutros XVI, Ph.D., KBE Order of the Crunchy Taco.
A remarkable breakthrough! Professor Dexington’s dig team at Central Lansingopolis has yielded a terrific historical find. They uncovered a series of crude images all depicting a late 20th century commander in the throes of an excruciating fartsplosion*.
*Fartsplosions, as they are now identified in the medical community, mystified doctors at the time. An individual prone to farts was said to “have gas,” while a single fart was only properly labeled by children and those of low social status or intelligence. The wealthy members of society chose not to acknowledge farts with a single, unifying terminology. Fartsplosions, in which an individual is overtaken by a series of explosive farts, were only seriously accepted by physicians in 2013, quickly becoming a staple of simple physical oppressions like the common cold and Butt AIDS.
The commander in question suffered from innumerable and probably painful physical maladies. His birth name was Coach Izzo, but he was affectionately called “Tom” by his wife and lieutenants. His personal throng of sex workers was known as the “Izzone,” formed in his honor much like the cults of Fritosiris in ancient Egyptstan.
By contemporary physiological standards, Izzo was a malnourished albino dwarf and wore a straw wig either due to his relative poverty or as some sort of proletarian war helmet; his troops, meanwhile, were of reasonable height and pigmentation save for one soldier each year who matched Izzo in his ghastly pale deformation. Theories surrounding these soldiers include the proposal that they were his illegitimate sons born of a Douglas Fir, and whose noble bloodline allowed them to serve as flag bearers in Izzo’s peculiar orange grenade-based squadron.
Yet Izzo’s most notable affliction by far were his enormous fartsplosions. Indeed, archaeologists have been unable to find a single image of “Tom” at peace; all known photographic evidence of Izzo during battle depict a man overcome by a continuous rumbling fart. As far as scientists know, there has never been a picture taken of Izzo when he was not farting.
The following is a series of time-lapse photographs taken of Izzo during his battalion’s strategic victory over a rival militia to the south sometime in the year 2010. The casualties were marked 58-57, with Izzo’s forces taking the extra hit; however, in Izzo’s time, armies took great pride in losing more lives than their opponents, as it showed they had huger balls and weren’t scared of no shizz. Because of the film’s low quality, Izzo’s suit of armor seems to change colors and stripes frequently.