Wolverine Liberation Army

Today, comrades, we come to you with a tale of grave concern to all Michigan faithful – a story of Michigan Football on the brink. Many believe, since the University’s admission to relatively minor NCAA infractions, that the storm has passed. WLA operatives, however, have learned that the storm clouds are merely gathering, waiting for the final deathblow. Walk with us, members of the Proletariat.

Returning from his clandestine 2007 Toledo meeting with Michigan AD Bill Martin and President Mary Sue Coleman, Rodriguez was abducted at the behest of exiled program booster James Stapleton. Stapleton dispatched his lackey, known kidnapper and brainwasher Archie Collins, ripe from plying his trade on high school kids to take Rodriguez, break him down, and build him back up into a machine that Stapleton could use – use to destroy the Michigan AD that he had despised for nine years, since the firing of Brian Ellerbe.

It’s unclear what Collins did to Rodriguez in his brief time in Collins’ custody. MSU Wide Receiver Fred Smith, also locked in Collins’ basement at the time, noted that he “could only hear the sounds of a paper shredder and smell hispanic food”, but rest assured, Collins accomplished his goal.

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Popularity: 22%

Momentum is a funny thing. Little things add up to big things. Individually they mean nothing. Then they start to topple. Everything rolls downhill. (Why am I writing like Bill Plaschke?)

The result is a self-feeding, growing cavalcade of pressure from the media, players, and fans. Even the sturdiest fans start to have doubts – not about the guys in the trenches, but that this external force will require a sacrifice to appease people that can’t get it, will never get it, and don’t even want to get it. At some point, enough is enough, but it takes someone willing to stand up, lay it all on the table, and say “We’re doing this, together; get on-board or go-away.” Someone transparent, unassailable, honest. Does this unicorn exist? Well, sometimes the world is set right and we get what we need.

“I don’t talk the past. I create the future”

David Brandon. Former Domino’s CEO turned Michigan Athletic Director.

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Popularity: 20%

A critical component of the Cultural Revolution is to spread the message of its glory. The Wolverine Liberation Army has commissioned a series of posters for official release to the populace. These posters commemorate the triumphs and struggles of Commissar Rodriguez and the People.

Loyal Comrades, our enemies are cunning.  They engage in a multifaceted assault upon the Wolverine motherland with their engines of destruction, from mass media propoganda machines to grassroots whisper campaigns.  Just last week, a 17 year-old out of Grand Blanc, Michigan – Justice Hayes – referred to Michigan as a “sinking ship”!  His words sent shockwaves through every Maize and Blue fan’s cherished, supple, miserable ego.  This is untenable.

To thwart these media timebombs, the people have formed their own secret, autonomous Ministry of Michigan Security - a complex network of patriotic citizens ready to shame and browbeat those that have the audacity to do anything less than Hail Michigan.  This organization stands ready to react swiftly and crush all dissention, be it real or envisaged.  And you too can be part of this societal mobilization, Michigan fan, as an informant!

Is your government representative not a Michigan Man?  Let the Michigan Stasi know, and perhaps his time in office will be limited to one term.

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Popularity: 15%

Tonight, the Phoenix Suns will face the favored Los Angeles Lakers in Game 2 of the Western Conference Playoffs. Naturally, the sports media is concentrating on the major matchups – Jason Richardson vs. Kobe, Nash vs. Fish, and Amare Stoudemire vs. Pau Gas…wait. Of course they’re not. Why should blogs like the Big Lead and AOL fanhouse and media outlets like CBS and ESPN.com cover basketball when there are tangentially related relatives to torment?

In case you wondering, Carrie Stoudemire isn’t a transvestite Damon Stoudamire, or a gender confused Salim Stoudamire. She won’t be on the bench of either team. She even hasn’t and likely won’t play in the WNBA. What she did do, more than twenty years ago, was give birth to Amare. Beyond this, she isn’t newsworthy in the least. Of course, all these sites link to the ESPN source article that details a history of substance abuse, crime, and even prostitution? My grandfather was a drunk and a cocaine addict – where is his ESPN feature?

My grandfather, of course, was only the parent of a few doctors and a patent attorney, and the grandfather of a sporadically-read blogger. Until the appetite for blogger gossip ramps up, he’s likely in the clear. Somehow, being a relative of a public figure in today’s world makes you a public figure -Dez Bryant’s mother has been a topic of conversation for similar reasons. Carrie Stoudemire, plainly, is not a public figure, and deserves to undergo her problems and solutions away from media glare.

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Popularity: 19%

“Imaginary friends, e-communist, pederasts lend me your eyes; I come to bury the MICHIGAN MAN not to praise him.”
Marc Antony, via William Shakespeare (with some liberties taken.)

Marc Antony, the original BUST! Antony a 5 star military recruit was a complete bust as a Roman leader as his life spiraled out of control due to drugs and hot Egyptian ass.

“A MICHIGAN MAN will coach Michigan…”

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Popularity: 24%