Today, comrades, we come to you with a tale of grave concern to all Michigan faithful – a story of Michigan Football on the brink. Many believe, since the University’s admission to relatively minor NCAA infractions, that the storm has passed. WLA operatives, however, have learned that the storm clouds are merely gathering, waiting for the final deathblow. Walk with us, members of the Proletariat.

Returning from his clandestine 2007 Toledo meeting with Michigan AD Bill Martin and President Mary Sue Coleman, Rodriguez was abducted at the behest of exiled program booster James Stapleton. Stapleton dispatched his lackey, known kidnapper and brainwasher Archie Collins, ripe from plying his trade on high school kids to take Rodriguez, break him down, and build him back up into a machine that Stapleton could use – use to destroy the Michigan AD that he had despised for nine years, since the firing of Brian Ellerbe.

It’s unclear what Collins did to Rodriguez in his brief time in Collins’ custody. MSU Wide Receiver Fred Smith, also locked in Collins’ basement at the time, noted that he “could only hear the sounds of a paper shredder and smell hispanic food”, but rest assured, Collins accomplished his goal.

Rodriguez, you see, was no longer the riotously successful coach that had led WVU to repeated BCS games – he was now the remote-controlled weapon of Stapleton, with which Stapleton could destroy the tenure of Bill Martin, replace him as AD, and place his man, Ron English, on the throne of Michigan Football.

Upon returning to Morgantown, Stapleton instructed Rodriguez’s handler, Rita Rodriguez (Rita, you see, had learned from Stapleton that she was the illegitimate daughter of Bo Schembechler and had learned to hate her father as he marginalized her. She thirsted for nothing more than the destruction of all her father built), to activate the sleeper-incompetent that Collins had installed. Rodriguez, activated by Rita’s spicy chile relleno with Ro-Tel and Velveeta queso dip, began acting erratically. Under her control, Rodriguez destroyed all the paper-only academic files of his entire team, and began placing threatening phone calls to his players’ parents – threatening unseemly acts with barbed-wire baseball bats. He then called Terrelle Pryor and offered him a shining white Camaro.

The trail of havoc wreaked by this zombie-Rodriguez continued when he arrived in Ann Arbor. After Collins erased all memory he had of NCAA regulations, he began, under the command of Rita, to train his players for 26 hours a day, a violation of NCAA regulations and the boundaries of time. He instructed Mike Barwis to replace protein shakes with chocolate milk. He began recruiting known drug merchants and the academically ineligible. He began to devise fake punts where the punter would carry the ball out of his own endzone and attempt to gain fifteen yards for the first down. He used cutting edge scientific techniques to infect Brandon Minor and Carlos Brown with osteoporosis. He changed defensive schemes like they were pairs of underwear.

However, this did not last for long. Rodriguez began to have nightmares. Horrible, terrifying nightmares involving a crowing Jim Tressell and the wafting scent of cumin. One night, on an online support group’s page, he encountered user “ROCKROCKROCKLEFT”, who was having nearly identical dreams. Rodriguez couldn’t pass this up as mere coincidence – he needed to investigate.

His partner in misery, it turned out, was none other than Mike DeBord. DeBord, he learned, was a prototype, arrested from his ascent as one of the game’s finest minds by James Stapleton and Archie Collins, just as he got his first head coaching  job. Under their mind-control, DeBord blew his opportunity at Central Michigan and returned to Michigan, where his handler, Ron English, forced him to call the same play in perpetuity. He failed, however, to bring down Bill Martin’s tenure – and was tossed aside, a weathered husk on the coaching scrap-heap.

Aware of what he was up against, Rodriguez had this mental conditioning undone, and is, today, again the elite coach Michigan hired two years ago. The threat, comrades, is not over. Rest assured that Stapleton and his ever-faithful sidekick Ron English sit, in the Tower of CAW, plotting their next move. Remain vigilant comrades – you never know from where the next threat will come.