The WLA recently had an opportunity to sit down with Michigan Running Backs Coach Fred Jackson in order to get an early look at what Michigan fans can expec to see from the Wolverines in the upcoming season. The ebullient Jackson delivered – and then some, providing us with an in-depth, position-by-position breakdown of the team. Jackson also held court on a number of peripheral issues like Drew Rosenberg (“By far the greatest hatchet job I’ve ever seen in print”) and the NCAA violations (“Just an outstanding stretching”). We shall turn the site over to Coach Jackson. Previously, the offense.

Special Teams

Calling it special teams doesn’t come close to doing it justice. Special is sharing a nice moment with a loved one, or something you call that kid who’s a little off. We’ve got a third-string placekicker with the nerves of Vinatieri and the leadership skills of FDR. Brendan Gibbons would be the best running back at Michigan since Ty Wheatley, but he can kick the ball 75 yards while laying on his back, so he’s our punter. He kicks a nicer ball than those ball machines with the two spinning wheels, hand to Hart. I’m not afraid to say publicly that our kickers and punters would have won the World Cup by at least a couple of touchdowns.

Let me speak a minute on the unit that will get the most work on special teams: the kick team. When the coaches tell B-Gibby to keep the ball in the stadium on the kicks, these guys fly down the field ready to kill. You ever see birds flying in a line through the air? Imagine that, but grizzly bears with rockets on their backs. Don’t be surprised when we actually catch 65% of the kickoffs that usually go to the other team.

As for field goal kicking, I’ve tried telling Coach Rod we need to make it a little tougher on these guys. I think a fair challenge would be making them kick the ball out of the stadium through randomly selected tunnels. Section 18, upper exit? No problem.

There is one area of concern that will be a big challenge for the coaches in the return game. Do we try to set a record for most players with a return touchdown or let the best one score a lot of them? We’ll have 13 kick returns by my count this season, so a few of these all-american candidates won’t even get a shot. One guy in particular, Jeremy Gallon, has really stood out. Tackle him? You can barely see him out there he’s so fast! Also, he’s listed at 5’8″, but I’ll be damned if he isn’t 6’3″. There are some good special team units across the country, but believe me when I tell you that if there was a worldwide competition for kicking, punting, and returning, our boys would be Special Olympians.

Defensive Line

If there’s one position group on this team I’m excited about, it’s the running backs and wide receivers and quarterbacks and offensive line and secondary and special teams. But I’m equally impressed with the defensive line. We’ve got run-stoppers like Will Campbell who routinely occupies 14 blockers at once to free up the linebackers. Ryan Van Bergen is so quick off the edge that he teleports into the backfield. He actually de-atomizes from his defensive end spot and re-constitutes his molecules in front of the quarterback. Sort of like Dr. Manhattan, but with a bigger dick. Yes, it’s blue, he’s a Michigan Man! Mike Martin is the best defensive tackle I’ve seen in my time at Michigan – Barwis has him bulked up to 450 pounds and 3 percent body fat. You know how sometimes feral kids are raised by wolves? Well the wolves are raised by Mike Martin. Think about that.

The front line is great, but after the continual 80-yard single play touchdown drives, we’re going to need some depth. Will Heininger? He’s just a Yetti that we shaved and threw a helmet on – he destroys people. Greg Banks is so agile, he often entertains the team by re-enacting fight scenes from the Matrix in live action. Adam Patterson can enter into people’s thoughts and implant ideas into their brains – like “shotgun draw trap” into the opposing offensive coordinator’s head. How do you think Brandon Graham knew what Glen Winston was doing last year? Renaldo Sagesse is the kindest, sweetest kid I’ve ever worked with. Everyday I come into the office; he’s left the exact breakfast I’ve been dreaming of piping hot on my desk. How does he know?  No question, just a tremendous kid.

Secondary
If you’re looking for a player who is coming on strong, its got to be #12. JT Floyd. He’s the best corner I’ve seen here in awhile. He has a chance to be every bit as good as Charles Woodson. Right now, he only erases about 40 percent of the field, but in time he’ll exceed the half a field that C-Wood shut down for us many years ago. Plus, he makes some wicked home brew, which I like better than wine anyway, so he’s already got a leg up there. Both the Ann Arbor Fire and Police Department want his hero service as well. I’m not saying he’ll win a Heisman as a defensive player as well, but I am not not saying it either.  The other corner is Troy Woolfolk. We all know him as Butch’s kid, one of the greatest running backs ever at Michigan aside from every single running back I’ve ever coached - a cross between Rob Lytle and Harlan Hucklebee, only with speed. Troy is amazing. He’s going to have an even greater Michigan career than his father had when its all said and done.

At safety, I know people are worried about this, but let me tell you people to stop the fretting. We have an excellent mix of players back there. It doesnt really matter what combination emerges–Gordon/Gordon, Williams/Kovacs, Gordan/Robinson, Turner/Williams, I mean I could go on and on.  It doesnt matter who is back there, I havent seen a safety combo like this since Murray/Welbourne. Its just a matter of figuring out who the first team is, so it’s more like having Vada and Tripp backing up two other cloned pairs of Vada and Tripp.

Linebackers
 
Look, I miss Stevie Brown already. What does that tell you? Sometimes I cry myself to sleep because I miss STEVIE MOTHERFUCKING BROWN. The guy wasn’t good enough to be a safety for MICH for CHIRSTSAKE, so he gets bumped to linebacker, where he instantly becomes THE BEST LINEBACKER WE HAD. Crap, he even understood that letting the other teams score points was bad.

The linebackers this year are a bag of wet cement, Obi Ezeh, Jonas Mouton, a tired looked maple sapling, and a bunch of underclassmen that I don’t even know by name because they don’t exist. Seriously, we just made up Kenny Demens. Demens was just Toussaint moonlighting in a second jersey because we literally didn’t have anyone else on the roster. Isaiah Bell, we lied and told the media he is switching to linebacker. Paul Gyarmati or Rasheed Furrha, good grief, if those don’t scream fake names I don’t know what name does! God I want to cry. We just made up a bunch of recruits to make people happy. We really only have four linebackers, two of them are inanimate. and the inanimate ones might be the better options this year.

The bag of moist cement can hit pretty dang well and the tree, while only about four and a half foot high, can at least knock some passed down. Ezeh tries so hard, but just doesn’t understand that the other team can throw the ball. Mouton – the other day I was playing fetch with my dog, and faked throwing the tennis ball across the street. Rex stood still, Mouton chased the fake throw for 32 yards. 

GERG has been working with the bag of cement since February in illegal practice sessions and the fucker is still offsides on 3 out of 5 plays.  A damp bag of cement might be the best linebacker we have, and it keeps tipping over the line of scrimmage. Maybe I can find a job with the Raiders in the off-season to go hang out with Stevie?

Thanks to Stevie Y, chitownblue, jamiemac, and David from Wyoming.