Jennie “don’t change your number” Finch has announced that she will step away from the field of play at the culmination of the current fastpitch season. This will mark the end of an era in which the undisputed face of American softball was both its most dominating force, and most tent pitching asset. In a statement, Finch said, “While I am sad to walk away from the game, I am happy to have left and indelible mark on the sport of softball, and know that it will continue to be popular with both women and men.” Men everywhere shook their head and rhetorically asked, “who is she kidding?”
When asked why she was stepping away from the game Finch responded, “To focus on modeling and being caught unaware of the paparazzi while vacationing in the Caribbean.” She then quickly added, “Just kidding” with her trademark smile. While obviously crushed, men everywhere commented on how classically beautiful she was while hitting themselves in their nether-regions with an assortment of blunt objects.
Dudes love Cat Oosterman... Right?
Finch retires as a 2 time Olympic medalist, 3 time All-American at the University of Arizona, and has thrown 2 perfect games for the Chicago Bandits of the NPF. She also was heavily involved in the unsuccessful effort for the return of softball to the Olympic games. Meanwhile, golf, which is a hobby, has taken its place.
In a separate announcement Finch disclosed that she has a husband and a child. Erections everywhere, already pressed to the precipice of eternal grief by news of her retirement, voted unanimously for communal suicide. A moment of silence has been planned for the closing credits of The Expendables, which only men will see.
Noted “journalist” Drew Sherpa was quoted as saying, “I can’t be bothered, I’m busy monitoring the activities of 18 year old boys.” When asked what those activities included he panted heavily and said, “bathing.”
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Is she the Jennie that Tommy Tutone was singing about?