The Sacred Brotherhood: REVEALED!

The Illuminati

Skull And Bones

The Stonecutters

The Priory Of Sion

Just a few of the ancient secret societies that are steeped in mystery and whispered about in dark hallways.  Now, a veil of secrecy is being raised on another, possibly even more sinister cabal.  The Sacred Brotherhood.

Little has been revealed about The Sacred Brotherhood.  Much of what scholars understand about the organization has been gathered by decoding this painting:

The Nugent Lisa

That’s Mike Nugent (aka Gog) and Jim Tressel (aka Wine Cooler) depicted in a variety of poses and positions.  This is meant to convey the ominpresence of The Sacred Brotherhood.  The “85” is an important symbol in Brotherhood lore, a cryptogram meant to represent testicles and a high five.  This the standard greeting at all Brotherhood functions.  Rub your balls, then give each other a high five.

Now a scandal, the scope of which is beyond what most of us could possibly conceive, threatens to blow the doors off this group.  It involves small pants made of gold.  It involves free or partially reduced price tattoos.  It involves…A USED CAR SALESMAN!  This is like Watergate, if Watergate were important.

And every Watergate needs its Deep Throat:

“We have apartments, car notes,” he said. “So you got things like that and you look around and you’re like, ‘Well I got (four) of them, I can sell one or two and get some money to pay this rent.”

The wheeling and dealing didn’t stop with rings. The best deals came from car dealerships, Small said.

“It was definitely the deals on the cars. I don’t see why it’s a big deal,” said Small, who identified Jack Maxton Chevrolet as the players’ main resource.

“They have a lot (of dirt) on everybody,” Small said, “cause everybody was doing it.”

So, What is the Sacred Brotherhood’s reaction to this treachery?

@Big76Shug (aka Juwanna Mann) J.B. Shugarts Its called #sacredbrotherhood for a reason, we’re use to the adversity, it only makes us stronger

@Brewster50 (aka Turbotax) Michael Brewster He isn’t a part of the sacred brotherhood anymore…never on time, never accountable, never sacrificed for the team. Can you trust his word?

@jack_mewhort (aka Magog) Jack Mewhort Like we’ve never seen adversity before #SacredBrotherhood

@STONEYeleven (aka Club Sandwich) Jake Stoneburner Whatever happened to sacred brotherhood. Smh

Condemnation.  Strongly worded Tweets.  Repeated use of the “#” sign.  All straight from the handbook of The Sacred Brotherhood’s iron clad rule of law.  So far, Small has avoided the most severe punishment meted out by the Brotherhood — a season long ban from their tailgates.  But for how long?  And from where shall he get his chili before each game in Columbus if he does meet that fate?  Maybe he and Stanley Jackson can start their own tailgate with those premade Big Bubba burgers or something.

The larger question remains.  What does this mean for the Sacred Brotherhood going forward?  Most experts agree they’ll have to move their clandestine meetings from JB Shugarts carport.  The Scrolls Of The Brotherhood, which is a McDonald’s napkin with “DoN’T bE A BiTCh!” written in crayon, may need to revisited.  And of course, the Supreme Chancellor Joe Germaine (aka Stuffed Crust Pizza) may be called upon to return to Columbus.

They say you can’t put the genie back into the bottle.  But what if the bottle is a jar of peanut butter?  And the genie is  the penis of a new initiate into The Sacred Brotherhood?  I guess we’ll find out at the next meeting on Saturday night.

3 thoughts on “The Sacred Brotherhood: REVEALED!

  1. Everything that is happening in Columbus is making me giggle like a 9 year-old school girl.

  2. I’m very interested to learn how Ray Small’s sinister and mysterious ‘ant wife’ fits into all of this!!

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