Brady Hoke lowered himself from the helicopter and surveyed the landscape. The smoldering ruins of distribution centers obscured a purple sunset. In the distant, a child whimpered. He looked in all directions, knelt, and pawed the dirt.

“This soil … it’s not dead.”


In days long past, a member of the (now ex-ex) regime referred to the machinery of Michigan opponents as communist. In the emerging cabal of thinkers, we took this as a misguided insult. Sharing the ball, moving in nontraditional manner, this is not a negative. It’s a way of the future. We heralded the Revolution.

We had misinterpreted.

Whether intentionally or not, the former gridiron bureaucrat was not referring to the method of offense as communist – rather, he was pointing to the inherent weakness of our future overlord. For you see, when the great leader declares that touchdowns will bring us to glory, and that all shall have touchdowns, he neglects to consider that if all score touchdowns then the value of touchdowns is nothing.

When you share the field and the ball and the points, you lose. Our brand of football was equally beneficial for all – and this was our demise.


General Hoke addressed the Assembly. In his well-documented “Secret Speech” to the press he reminded the citizens of their obligations and the expectations of their positions. He thumped the table and rabbled while the money of the newest regime hovered in the corners.

He built roads and stores and farms. Children smiled again. The sun came out. The fires had been dampened if not extinguished.

He rallied the troops. He rallied the citizenry. He vanquished the barbarians that had ruled the southern territories for a decade and rode off to the spring planning meetings a true conquering hero.


Tomorrow, we take ownership of that tradition. Tomorrow, it is the beginning. Tomorrow, it is the first chapter in the story of Rodriguez, the man my children (even if they are effete, weak, capitalist scum) will learn to revere. Tomorrow, for the first time in my life serving our Michigan, we will rise up and take part in creating tradition, instead of simply experiencing it.

– 8/29/2008

If anyone, ever again, compares RR to Bill Calahan, I will find you, kidnap you, drive you to Montana, cover your testicles in honey, and leave you alone with my pet Grizzly Bear. Understand?

– 8/30/2008

STEVIE_brWONDER: i need a hug

Incarcerated_Butler: who wants to go rob blue front wit me

– 9/27/2008

I said to him, “Dickie, things don’t always turn out like you want them to. That’s just how life goes. But you always gotta believe that tomorrow is going to be better than today. That’s all we got and, goddamnit, that’s all we deserve.”

– 11/25/2008

Charlie Weis Eats Turkeys


Comrades, it is time to stand up for our marginalized Wolverine brethren – the riotously successful lacrosse players toiling in your midst, paying and working for the privilege to represent the school.

– 4/23/2009

And that’s what really matters now – the season. Year 2. The Second Campaign. Let the war begin anew.

– 8/31/2009

T8erTot: bags of sand and vagina mayo everywhere


– 9/29/2009

there is one solid truth we simply have to believe – this team has played their version of the perfect game once before. It is not an impossible task.

– 11/19/2009

This isn’t about liking Rich Rodriguez. This isn’t even about SUPPORTING Rich Rodriguez. This is about seeing this Senior Class that has worn the Michigan uniform for four or five years off – thanking them for the hours of entertainment they’ve provided your thankless, pathetic asses for half a decade.

– 11/21/2009

The next graph shows the defensive quarterly trajectory & shibba dibba. “Shibba Dibba” meaning “prowess” in the secretive language only learned and shared between Northwestern Students and Alumni. Quite explanatory really, I don’t even need to explain it to you unless you’re a 4th grader. But overall, the CATZ will give up around 22 points per game on defense.

– 08/25/2010

At 3:30, Michigan kicks off Game 1 of 12 against Destiny. And we’re fighting until the last second of the last game.


Jordan Kovacs stopped to purchase a brownie at a brownie store called Brownie Store at seven am before he had to go to class and practice, he was a Michigan football player.

– 9/21/2010

It was the fourth touchdown in the first half that broke me.

– 11/1/2010

Greg Robinson is probably fired.

– 11/7/2010

I choose to remember Steven ‘Dual’ Threet pantsing Wisconsin, Tate Forcier bringing Matt Millen to climax and Denard Robinson redefining the idea of a quarterback. What could have been just couldn’t overcome what was.

– 1/3/2011

Denard Robinson still doesn’t have shoelaces and Martavious Odoms still has dreadlocks, because Brady Hoke is preparing a tough Friday practice and Al Borges knows football, because we have met Kenny Demens and Mike Martin exists – because it’s the eve of football, and Michigan has not lost a game yet.

– 9/1/2011

And sometimes, if you just allow that to happen – to cede any agency you think you may have, or any expertise you’ve duped yourself into thinking you possess, you can sit back and, simply, be dazzled by a nearly perfect 200 minutes.

– 9/12/2011

There was nothing much to say particularly before Saturday – besides Beat Ohio. There isn’t much to say today other than – Beat Ohio.

– 11/27/2011

You will see players who believe in each other, who support and encourage one another, who hold within a deep-seated understanding that one hundred and thirty-two teams before them have done the same. You will see a well-coached team that plays hard, clean football, that takes a hit as well as it gives.

– 8/30/2012


Brady Hoke dug the hole in the dirt a little bit deeper. He placed one seed in the battered soil.

It sprouted fast. Faster than anyone expected. 20 months later, he returns to measure it for the new year.

Go Blue.

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