PREVIEW: Purdue

Next week Michigan plays Purdue in football at their dump of a stadium in the ugliest college town in the B1G. Now, ordinarily an impending slaughter of this kind wouldn’t ordinarily be worth writing a preview for. Especially since it won’t be taking place for two weeks. However, I have to do this before I forget (in my defense, Purdue is very forgettable). Additionally, we understand it’s very difficult for those of you at home to keep track of who’s on Purdue’s roster at the moment, and who’s in Eastern Europe getting corpse ligaments bolted into their knees by Soviet sawbones who should’ve gone pro in something other than medicine. To counter that confusion, we’ll review some important facts about the Boilermakers (well, as important as facts about Purdue’s garbage football team can be) in advance of presenting some keys to the game. So, without further ado…

Purdue HC Danny Hope looks to break his streak of 41 consecutive losses. But not to break anything else. We don't take breaks, strains, or tears lightly in Boiler Country.

Purdue Coaching:
Since Bill Clinton was President, Purdue headman Danny Hope has beaten Ohio State as many times as Michigan has. If you’re a Michigan fan, that may scare you. It shouldn’t, though; just remember what Bill in Scio Township said yesterday on WTKA: “everybody plays their best game against us.” Given the difference in relative program prestige, it stands to reason that everybody plays their worst games against Purdue. Ipso facto, ergo pursuant, Danny Hope has never won a game legitimately, insofar as every team he has played beat itself by playing down to the disgusting worm of an opponent that Purdue presents. His record stands at 0-41 (0-24). He’ll therefore be looking to come off the schneid against Michigan.

Purdue Football Players:
Purdue has a very good football player in the program this year. His name is Kawann Short and he’ll be a nice piece for an NFL team next year. He wasn’t, however, able to make it for this team photo of the Purdue roster taken at camp:

Purdue headman Danny Hope (rearground) poses with the 2012 Boilermakers (foreground). Not pictured: Kawann Short.

Purdue Football Tradition:
There exists a common misconception that Dross-Ade stadium plays the sound of a train horn to fire up the crowd after big plays. That is actually not the case. The sound you hear is an actual train, with an actual horn, taking jobs and taxpayers out of West Laughalot to superior climes. Also: with the 3rd-best engineering program in the Big Ten, but trash music education, I guess you can tuna fish, but you can’t tune a World’s Largest Drum.

Key Match-Ups
* My boredom at a 37-6 second-quarter score in favor of Michigan vs. my interest in watching the SEC game on CBS
* Caleb Terbush vs. his impulse to check that voicemail he has from Brett Bielema
* The Michigan team bus vs. electrical failure brought on by its having been warmed up at half-time

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