A merry Christmas to all and to all Buckeyes a good night.

It was Christmas Eve and the desiccated body of OSU Athletic Director Gene Smith sank into his hospital bed as he watched the flashing lights, indicating his continued existence, on the machine that stubbornly fought against the laws of nature by extending his life. He ruminated over his fall as he ignored the sycophantic prattle of his only visitor.

“Dammit Luke, they said this wouldn’t happen. Why doesn’t the NCAA look into the details of Penn State and leave me alone?”

The Ghost of Buckeye Present, Luke Fickell furrowed his manly brow, “I’m not sure what that has to do with anything Mr. Smith?”

The combination of the too-tight Affliction t-shirt (especially tight on the sleeve to accentuate the bicep!) and Luke’s perfectly coifed hair (still crusty with the latest ‘product’ by Paul Mitchell), might have appeared metrosexual on some men. But Luke’s style, or lack thereof, was more modern douche bag and thus precluded questions about his sexual orientation.

“As I was saying A.D. Smith, Coach Bollman and I have added 3 new draw plays that I think will really come through for us on third down in the…”

“Dammit Luke. No one gives a rat’s ass about the stupid Gator Bowl! Even Charlie Weis jumped ship for Kansas rather than coach in this ridiculous bowl game.”

At that moment a beautiful song bird flew into the room, quickly circled it lifting the heavy presence of mortality with its ethereal presence, and then returned to light on the vested shoulder of the Ghost of Buckeye Past, Jim Tressel.

A pallor came over Gene Smith’s face as he choked out , “Coach Tressel… You didn’t come here to…to… Fire me, did you?”

“No my brother,” responded Tressel in his emotionless monotone. “I came to visit you here in the hospital because that’s my thing. It’s what I do. Besides, as the Ghost of Buckeye Past and the new Instant Replay Consultant in Indianapolis, I am mostly concerned with the past and not the future. Well, certain parts of the past because there are other parts that we just have to get past and not think about any more. Probably no one should have cared in the first place. ”

“Oh this is all so upsetting,” Smith interjected. “Luke, I have to do the thing. Give me the thing.”

Luke’s face screwed up with revulsion as he grabbed the bed pan and handed to Smith.

“NO, the other thing. Get the Bad Man doll.”

Looking relieved, Luke picked up a Maurice Clarett doll that was filled with pins and held it out to Smith.

“NO, THE OTHER BAD MAN.”

Luke quickly handed A.D. Smith a Terrelle Pryor doll muttering a soft apology. Gene tried ineffectually to stab it with a pin but wasn’t strong enough. On the third try he managed to pierce the tiny Terrelle Pryor in the mid-thigh.

“Would like a go at it Coach?” asked Gene as he handed the doll to Tressel. “Give him a good one in the head.”

Tressel chuckled mirthlessly as he turned the doll over, “I have a better idea” as he stabbed it directly in the right buttock.
“Oh well, have to run. I’m expected in the children’s wing, you know!”

The last of the transcendental lightness had just dissipated when a brooding darkness descended upon the room. Two huge men, dressed in black “SEC” shirts, filled the doorway and then parted to admit a much shorter man.
The Ghost of Buckeye Future, Urban Meyer strode into the room, a look of supreme control and confidence on his face.

He was wearing a navy blue shirt with “Muck Fichigan” in orange lettering.

“Why are you wearing an Illinois shirt?” queried Luke innocently.

Urban quickly glanced at Luke, his look of control melting into annoyed confusion. “Illinois? Does everyone hate those jackasses?” Then the mask of command snapped back into place, “It matters not. This entire conference is mine. Mine… MIIIIINE! I’ll take what I please.”

Seeing an opening, Gene piped in his worried question, “Coach Meyer, did you come here to fire…”

Imperiously, Urban lifted two fingers into the air, silencing Gene midsentence.

But before he could speak, Urban’s cell phone starting ringing (ring tone: Cheeseburger in Paradise by Jimmy Buffet.) He glanced at his phone and rolled his eyes with revulsion, “What? Yes Mike, I’m still looking for a spot for you. No, nothing is certain yet. Just get back to spending time with my family, OK.” He closed the phone before finishing with “idiot.”

And then to no one, “Dude rides Brady to a couple Super Bowls and then thinks he can coach in college like he’s like a skinny Charlie Weis or something. LOL rides Brady!”

Gene again. “Urban as your Athletic Director, I demand to know if you came here to fire me?”
Urban looked purposefully at the machines that kept Gene from shuffling his mortal coil* and said in tones dripping with threat. “Fire you? No, no, no. That’s not how we do things in the SEC.”

“We’re not in the SEC?”

“We are now.” concluded Urban with finality as he reached out and pulled the plug.
Darkness descended.

“Urban, why did you unplug the light?”

“Daddy, I’m afraid,” whispered Luke.

*Only on a pseudo-communist Michigan blog!!!

Could this jersey be more destructive to Michigans program than Pryor was to OSU's? Many suspect so.

rumored making AD BranDUM the biggest liar since Jim Tressel) and then was briefly mollified when it seemed that maybe the jerseys weren’t as terrible and awful and horrible as originally thought. Finally, we learned that irregardless (HALOL) of the design, any throwback jersey is probably likely to destroy all that is good and holy about our beloved University of Michigan.

I do not say this to mock*. I realize that I stand alone in my indifference to the stitching on the outfits. One gets the impression that Brain Cook could publish a different picture of the jerseys every day and comments of sickened readers would still run into the hundreds. However, during all this furor, many missed an even more hypothetical rumor and that was yet so pernicious as to warrant an even greater over reaction.
As is often the case, the rumor started with a tweet from Paul Finebaum (readers of this blog are already well acquainted with the evils of both twitter and Finebaum.)

@finebaum Finebaum Network
Sheridan,’I look for OSU to get hit with severe penalties similar to USC. I was told OSU might be facing tv ban.’

In recent years, only this man has been a dependable source for mockery and schadenfreude for Michigan fans.

A TV ban. I’ve been ‘told’ that the NCAA strongly considered a TV ban for USC** and that Texas A&M was given a TV ban in 1994. Tell me again how that is a punishment? If OSU is going to go through a down season or two and lose a game or five, their fans should be required to watch on TV. Let them taste the bitter dregs of the cup of misery that we have so recently imbibed in full. The nation should be allowed to watch on TV just as they did when Notre Dame and Michigan went through their Weis and RichRod phases.

Some have argued that punishing OSU now just punishes the innocent players, coaches, and fans. Tell me again which are the innocent ones? The coaches, such as Dick Tressel, who created this culture and all remain? The players littering the roster still driving cars the compliance department has no knowledge of to play Xbox at the tattoo parlor run by a felon? The fans? If they are penitent, chagrined, or even seriously acknowledge that anyone but the Devil Terrelle Pryor did anything wrong, I haven’t seen it for all the deification of Jim Tressel (literal deification!) For serious, any population that names a little girl Tressel can’t be innocent of much. I say make them watch.

Think of the children. Do it for the children. Release them from the tyranny of Tressel.

A TV ban would mean no youtube videos of humiliation. No real reckoning with the mediocrity. If RichRod had been lucky enough to have a TV ban, he probably would still have a job. Looking at a boxscore just doesn’t bring the stomach churning pain the way actually watching Matt McGloin slice your defense apart like vintage Joe Montana does.

You want innocent victims? Don’t look to Ohio. Move your gaze a little further north. Michigan fans would be the innocent victims of any OSU TV ban. Nothing can make going 1-9 against Tressel right but watching OSU struggle on a Saturday afternoon or seven and maybe even lose a couple times (and not in a BCS bowl) would still be pretty nice. I say, we deserve that. We deserve to watch Joe Bauserman ‘run’ for his life as the makeshift offensive line crumbles and blitzers rain down.

The Bauserman Era will be televised. I'm pretty sure he is #14.

Friends, I haven’t even mentioned the real horror of an OSU TV ban. So great is the injustice that just writing the words makes me tremble with righteous indignation. Let’s just say, maybe OSU is not very good and maybe Michigan get’s totally lucky and everything goes their way and… Just bear with my hypothetical here, Michigan beats OSU. It could happen. I’m told this has happened in the past. Brace yourself. If there was an OSU TV ban, this miraculous event would not be viewed by anyone outside the stadium. Wolverine Historian would be unable to upload one of his glorious highlight videos for future generations to watch. You would even have a hard time getting that loud mouthed asshole at work who doesn’t even really pay attention to admit it even happened.

This cannot come to pass. This must not happen. The NCAA cannot be this capricious and cruel as to punish Michigan fans this way, can they?

*Well, maybe just a little mockery.
**This is what we call anecdotal evidence—two words which I would say, in my professional life, with that practiced disdain I learned so well at Michigan, but is the coin of the realm on the internet!

The positives to believing in the myth are obvious. You get to believe everything most normal people have believed about Jim Tressel (including me) for the vast majority of the time Jim Tressel was someone that one believed things about (roughly since 2001.) The Dogma of Tressel– he is an honest, hard working man of integrity who may be boring but is also dependable. All you have to add is this romantic idea that he made ‘one bad choice’ betting on yet another disadvantaged kid to make good. You even get to make a villain out of people like Ray Small, which is easy because he seems like kind of an idiot, and whichever other Buckeye has recently forsaken the Omerta of the Sacred Brotherhood. But mostly, you get to keep demonizing Terrelle Pryor, the QB who took down the legend. Which feels good because, depending on your perspective, he is either too good at the footballs or not good enough, and he frequently says imprudent things and drives too many cars. Although, not necessarily at the same time.

Pryor didn't take Tressel anywhere he didn't already know how to go.

This approach is comforting because you get to keep believing in the one dimensional caricatures of which people are the good ones and which are the bad ones and you get avoid even thinking about some dude named Jungian. You get to keep repeating stories about community service (because, like, I’m just so sure that Tressel was the first football coach to ever visit a hospital) and role models and molding young men. The myth is easy to believe because so many idiot talking heads–so often the lazy, lagging indicators of public opinion–have been repeating it non-stop.

The problem with believing the myth is you’re left with so many weird questions. Why would Jim Tressel put so much on the line for one knuckle-headed QB? Why would he start lying now when he was on top of his professional world? Why the cover up? Why not just come clean and pledge to fix things? Who or what was it again that Tressel was protecting the kids from? Why is he punting? (Belay my last—that’s an old question.)

I thought you'd realize by now, there ain't no way to hide your lyin eyes.

If you choose to see the real man that is Head Coach Jim Tressel then all those vexing questions have a simple answer.

Because that’s what he’s always done and it has always worked.

Since recent events have called into question the Dogma of Tressel, one must now re-evaluate the past data for fresh conclusions to explain the new data set.

And what do we find? A trail of star players (and some whodats) who just happened to get hooked up with shady guys who wanted to give them things. (PRESENTS?!?!? For me? You shouldn’t have!) Each time, Tressel assured the world that he had no knowledge of the transgressions and we believed him because of the Dogma of Tressel and because we wanted to believe. He’s an honest guy. He wouldn’t lie.

But he did lie. And he has only come clean with whatever has already been proven against him.

I guess what I’m saying here is: I’m not so sure about this idea that even though Tressel cheated and lied about the cheating, this time, he had no idea about the previous cheating and no, of course, he’s not lying about that. This just keeps happening and what’s a coach to do?

I’m thinking that way back in 1991 when Tressel told Ray Isaac to contact Mickey Monus he did that for reason. When similar things happened to Maurice Clarrett and Troy Smith and Terrelle Pryor it was because Tressel allowed it to.

The minds of Michigan Men are nimble enough to understand that even though Lloyd Carr has a wing in a Childrens Hospital named after him, he is still trying to destroy the program.

So, now we’ve got this conundrum that is just absolutely blowing so many Buckeye minds—how can Jim Tressel, the magical saint, be a liar and a cheater? As a citizen of a country with a Founding Father that wrote sublimely revolutionary words about the equality of all men while gleefully impregnating his slave, I think my mind can handle the dichotomy.

Jim Tressel, private citizen, probably is some totally amazing healer of the sick and blind who runs a great Bible study. But Jim Tressel, head football coach and professional role model, yeah, probably a little too much of the lying and the not know about the cheating for my tastes. I would suggest young Buckeyes look more to Chris Spielman for their hero-worship needs.

Where you been lately? There's a new kid in town.

I’m not sure what’s gone wrong with the internets lately.  People just don’t want to post anymore.  Historical things are happening in this country while MICH is making headlines in all the right ways, but no one has a word to share about it.  At least not in E-POST form.  Why come?  I at least have a reason not to post on the reg. My post are generally lacking facts or proper engrish, I don’t deny dat shiat.  But if nobody on the WLA makes a post, then it’s up to CHIPS to keep “everything is terrible” in full stride. I figured I would do a quick re-cap of what’s been going on since D-MO decided to go pro and achieve dream.

RIP: Robert Tractor Traylor, big dude with a big heart.  Also lots of family members.  Sad way to go.

Congrats: Lloyd Jonathan Carr.  Made it to the College Football Hall of fame.  I somewhat regret cheering on his impeccable “way to lose” after seeing a team just straight up lose in legitimate fashion.   Still don’t understand punting at the 35.  Why come no points, Lloyd?

Detroit Red Wing$: After going down 0-3 to the Shark$, the Wing$ made a valiant effort by forcing a game seven in one of the most highly watched “non-finals” series in NHL history.  Just before they dropped the puck in game four, most everyone wanted to do is FIRE BABCOCK, BENCH HOWARD and START OSGOOD.  Good thing they didn’t.  Fun fact, both teams scored the same amount of goals in 7 games.  Go ahead, double check it.  It was fun to watch and it seemed to revitalize the whole “Hockey Town” vibe that Metro Detroit and Windsor have.  Probably also sold a good amount of Hot & Ready’s too.  FIRE ILLICH.

Detroit Tigers: In the spirit of FIRIING EVERYONE, the same goes for Leyland & DUMBrowski.  2 weeks ago, they were all FIRED.  Let’s not forget about SENDING DOWN A-JAX.  Now, after winning 9 out of 10 and seeing Justin Verlander throw his 2^nd no-hitter, the ‘Ger$ are looking to win their division.  Although, if they lose to the Red Sox again tonight, FIRE UP THOSE PINK SLIPS.

Lions: They drafted a receiver.  HALOL.  But I am looking forward to this season.  If it happens.  Book the Lions +4 over Tampa.

Pistons: Rumors have them setting up an interview with Jimmer Ferdette.  HALOL.

MICH: I hear woman’s softball is doing rather well.  Dave Brandon is tweeting up a storm about selling tickets at a 30% increase.  The Basketball squadron continues to have some hype around future recruits.  Glenn Robinson III is moving up the rankings and will hopefully help Beilein’s “ceiling” move up.

MICH FOOTBALL: Brady Hoke is punching other schools in the mouth in recruiting and it’s gotten M$U fans all sorts of butthurt.  It’s been rather insane how fast he is picking up 2012 recruits in the state of MICH.  Seven total so far with the addition today of Terry Richardson. All of those Seven have been offered by Michigan State, which is clearly leaving Mark Dantonio upset.  At least that’s what his twitter account shows.  Even the god of Spartan Slappys, Mike Valenti can’t help but make excuses about his coaches recruiting, or lack there of.  Good times.  Now this past winter isn’t feeling so badt, is it?  Well.  Maybe it still is for one fella.

Did I miss anything?  Probably.  At least we got a fresh post.

BUTTHURT

MIIICH – TWO

Now is the winter of our discontent
Made glorious summer by this son of Beilein;
And all the rivals that low’r'd upon our house
In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.

I asked zombie President Ford to pardon Chris Webber but he told me he had no intention of making that mistake again.

Our long national nightmare is over. I know this because John Beilein raised MICHIGAN MAN Gerald Ford from the dead and he told me.

And so here we are, once again (or for some of you youngsters, this may be the first time) bathing in the warm glow of Michigan success in the national spotlight–our ears equally pleased by the lamentations of our rivals. Michigan hockey, the only mistress that never really left us, rushes towards a climatic showdown with hockey powerhouse Miami University¹ and a clash for a number one seed. Some intrepid poster at mgoblog keeps us updated each time the women’s softball wins again. LAX is doing whatever it is they do against whoever it is they play and doing it very well. More importantly than non-revenue sports, our rivals have been laid low—some by repeated losses to Michigan, others by their own nefarious dealings. Thou Izzo managed to avoid the killing thrust of the NIT, it was not on Michigan’s back that he

Nice suit, Coach.

conjured a tourney bid (never send a Boilermaker to do a man’s job.) And yes, Michigan has not actually beaten OSU at… well really anything recently or even kind of recently, but be patient. Victory looms, for Jim Tressel has finally been unmasked as the evil lying liar that few sane people always knew him to be. It seems certain that being a liar liar pants-on-fire and playing ineligible players makes you a big cheater cheater pumpkin eater and will force the NCAA to vacate OSU’s entire 2010 season. QUICK! Somebody get RichRod on the phone and tell him he just beat OSU. Then tell him he’s fired–again.

Some might say that you shouldn’t take pleasure in the misfortune of your rivals–that the only thing that matters is the competition on the field. To them I say HALOL!!! That’s rediculous! Those loosers don’t understand the baser emotions that going 2-8² against your arch rival will breed in a man’s heart. If nothing else, this will keep those Buckeye asshats out of our ear holes for a little while (I’m not actually calling Eleven Warriors asshats with that link. Well, maybe just a little.)

Even Michigan’s prospects on the gridiron are looking up. Yes, Michigan fired the worst coach in America and managed to find an even worse one (while our real coach is in San Francisco cavorting with hippies and teh gheys.) A coach so terrible and awful that he managed to lose recruits Michigan never had in the first place. A coach so bad that the only thing worse than him is THE PROCESS by which he was hired and the AD that hired him. But we still have Greg Mattison on one side of the ball and Denard on the other. Provided he can figure a way out of the chains with which the new terrible awful (and fat, both the head coach and OC are fat) old, bald, offensive coordinator will use to keep him under center. All that aside, we at the WLA³ prefer to remain positive and let every man coach at least one game (the spring game, at the very least) before we announce we hate him.

John Beilein and his magic snuggie have kept Michigan fans warm on their lonely journey back to basketball respectability.

One coach no one hates is John Beilein, who has resurrected the moribund basketball program from the grave that it shared with Ed Martin⁴. If you recall, the last time he raised the program from the dead the only thing that stopped Michigan was the hideous Death Ginger. He has moved onto the NBA, leaving only one more Death Ginger but he plays for Wisconsin who Michigan shan’t meet until the championship game.
For now, the sites are clearly set on Tennessee, led for the moment, by the infamous Bruce Pearl. Since it is well known that Bruce Pearl dines on kitten liver pate while putting hits on nuns and inking record deals for boy bands, they are clearly GOING DOWN, GARY!

Arise, Wolverines, from your troubled slumber. It is morning in Ann Arbor.

1. In this context, there can be only one Miami.
2. Remember, I’m counting 2010 as a victory and retroactively enjoying it as much as I enjoyed, in real time, all those basketball games that never happened in the 90’s.
3. I don’t actually ‘know’ any of the other members of the WLA (I only e-know them) but that clearly doesn’t stop me speaking upon their behalf.
4. I don’t have it in me to cast out Chris Webber. He is like a wayward child of mine. Though he may do a great many silly things, he will always have a home in my heart. This is not true for Martin and Fisher.

With the ridiculous amounts of press given to Tom Izzo for helping a woman get her car out of the snow on Monday, the WLA decided to do some digging (HALOL) to see if any Michigan coaches did the same.  We found that Coach Brady Hoke was just as gracious, if not more so, by the act of simply lifting his massive finger (Just as CPS has shown).

Ann Arbor, MICH — Michigan Footbaw coach Brady Jonathan Hoke was driving to work in his eco-friendly AMERICAN automobile Monday morning when he noticed something that made him point in intrigue.

“I saw this lovely old lady with a snowthrower, and her motor carriage is at the end of her driveway, and I could tell she was stuck.  There was no doubt in my mind.  I know when someone is stuck and that lady was all sorts of stuck up in there.” Hoke said.

So he said to himself: “Goodness gracious, I am a most excellent person who is always touching kids and evaluating shoulders and butts, I’ve only helped 5 people out of the snow so far today, what’s helping another gonna hurt.”

He backed up, pointed at the snow and asked the woman whether she was stuck.

“MICH YEAH I AM,” she told him.

That’s when Hoke gracefully got out of his car on Stadium Blvd. and told his passenger — former MICH QB Tom Brady — to block traffic. (Brady had hitched a ride to campus with Hoke to attend a QB Drill with NARD DAWG.?)

Hoke quickly figured out that the woman’s snowthrower wasn’t helping, because he is a genius, so he started pointing. As he pointed with  massive force, the snow behind the tires began to move. And eventually the entire driveway had cleared. When it was clear, the woman got in her car and asked Hoke where she should go.

“I said, ‘is that a serious question? Why were you in your car to begin with?’”  The woman replied “DERP.”

But the engine started racing.

“I’m looking at the tires, and they aren’t spinning,” he said. “She had it in neutral so I pointed the shifter into drive.’”

It was rad.

“She said, ‘Thanks, Coach.’ I pointed, ‘No problem.’ It was the eighty billionth good thing I’ve done this month.”

Editorial Note: Photographic evidence was found of Tom Izzo actually farting the snow from the woman’s car, seen here.

….our fearless leader likes to point at things.

pointing at Denard

and Denard pointing back!!!

(Inspired by kim jong-il looking at things.)

The disparity of freshman development, displayed

Previously, we took a look at Beilein’s first and second classes, and determined that, thus far, they’ve been “solid, considering the situation” and “excellent” in the context of the Big 10 as a whole, with his first class ranking 6th in on-court production amongst it’s peers, and and his second ranking 2nd in the conference. Today, we’re going to take a look at this year’s freshman class. But first, an explanation on a slight modification of methodology.

Many of this year’s class are clearly not playing as many minutes as Evan Smotrycz and Tim Hardaway Jr. are for Michigan, as they signed with teams that have these things called “upper-classmen”. Freshman, most often, are used as role players. To that extent, we’re not going to look at sheer production, but contextualize their production on a “per 40 minute” basis. For our purposes, we’re only analyzing freshmen who have played in the majority of their team’s games, and average at least 8 minutes per game – in other words, they need to be part of their team’s rotation.

Michigan’s class of 2010 included a recruit nearly as lauded as Darius Morris – the sleeper Evan Smotrycz. Lightly scouted at first, Smotrycz clawed up into the national top 75 of all three recruiting services during his summer workouts prior to his senior year. In addition, they added a national top-150 recruit to ESPN and Scout in Tim Hardaway Jr., in-state big-man John Horford, and project Colton Christian.

Hardaway, on the face of it, is the most productive of the group as a true freshman. As a scorer, he’s the fifth highest scoring freshman in the conference, and an effective rebounder for a guard (5.4 rebounds per 40 minutes). On the downside, that scoring has come on 36.2% shooting (the second worst in the class), which is partially dragged down by the fact that the preponderance of his shots come from behind the arc (where he only shoots 31.3%). Smotrycz scoring is roughly average in the context of the class, and his rebounding is sub-par for his size. However, he’s one of the two best three-point shooters in the class – nailing 38.8% of his threes. Horford, despite his bird-like build, has actually been the second-most effective rebounding freshman in the conference (12.4 rebounds per 40 minutes), and the third-best shot-blocker (2.3 blocks per 40 minutes), while scoring somewhat respectably. All-in-all, it’s a promising class.

Illinois- Illinois plays two freshmen in it’s rotation – Jereme Richmond and Meyers Leonard. Richmond is only the 7th most effective scorer in the class, at 15.5 p/40, but is the fifth most effecting rebounder, and an efficient scorer (52% from the floor. Leonard mostly stands there at this point – rebounding slightly better than Tim Hardaway (despite being seven inches taller), and scoring mediocrely. Richmond is more productive than any of Michigan’s three, but Leonard probably less so. Advantage Michigan.

Indiana- Indiana brought in two effective scorers and rebounders – Victor Olapido (17.1 p/40, 8 r/40) and Will Sheehey (15.7 p/40, 7  r/40). Both are effective shooters (over 53% from the floor for both). Either of these two have out-played anyone on Michigan. We’ll give the advantage to Indiana.

Iowa- Iowa brought in diamond-in-the-rough Melsahn Besabe, who is 3rd most effective scorer, 3rd most effective rebounder, and 2nd best shot-blocker in the class in the conference, all while shooting 57% from the floor. Their class also included JUCO transfer Bryce Cartwright, a poor shooter who leads the class in assist rate, Roy Marble, and Zack McCabe – an effective rebounder. Besabe is an elite player from out of nowhere, and Marble is essentially Smotrycz’s match. Cartwright is a junior, making this comparison tough, but there seems to be more production here than from Michigan’s group. Advantage Iowa.

Michigan State - Michigan State landed in-state studs Keith Appling and Adrien Payne. Payne has been an effective rebounder and shot-blocker in a limited role (4th and 1st in the class respectively), while Appling is a turnover machine, but is matching Smotrycz with a 39% rate from behind the arc. Smotrycz has marginally out-played Appling (more points and rebounds, less assist and turnovers, equivalent shooting), and Horford has marginally out-played Payne (better scoring and rebounding, equivalent shooting). Toss Hardaway on top, and it’s clear – advantage Michigan.

Minnesota- Minnesota landed a trio of marginally thought of guards, all of whom have gotten time in the depleted Badger back-court – Maverick Ahanmisi, Chip Armelin, and Al Hollins. Armelin is the most effective – scoring nearly 15 p/40 minutes and grabbing nearly 6 rebounds per forty. Ahanmisi has been a turnover prone guard, while an effective shooter, and Hollins a solid stopper (nearly three steals per 40 minutes). Combine them together and you have an excellent player. Advantage Michigan.

Northwestern - The Wildcat class consist of just JerShon Cobb, who’s been a pretty average performer in every respect – adequate scoring, somewhat low shooting percentages, solid rebounding from a guard. Advantage Michigan.

Ohio State- The Buckeyes, as you’d expect, reeled in the best class in the conference, and it’s not even vaguely close. Jared Sullinger leads the class in scoring (23.6 points), rebounding (12.9), and shooting percentage (58%), while DeShaun Thomas is barely behind him in scoring (23.2) and is fourth in rebounding (10.3). Aaron Craft is short of only Juco transfer Bryce Cartwright in assist rate (6.9 per 40 minutes) while posting the best assist/turnover ratio in the class (2:1), and is the best pick-pocket (2.4 steals per forty minutes). This is finest in the conference, and it’s not even marginally close.

Penn State- Taran Bouie, their lone recruit, is in the doghouse, which is conviently located on the bench.

Purdue- Purdue’s only significant contributor is Terone Johnson, who has managed to do a bit of everything – rebounding well (5.5 rebounds per 40 as a guard) and passing well (4 assists per 40). The issue is that he shoots 35% from the floor, and 26% from 3-point (of which he shoots many) – the worst shooter in the class. He’s basically a better-passing, worse shooting Tim Hardaway. Advantage to Michigan.

Wisconsin- John Gasser is serving his Wisconsin shaved-head-hustling-diving-on-the-floor-never-shooting internship. He hardly scores, rebounds and passes pretty well, and shoots mediocrely, on the rare occasion he actually pulls the trigger. Advantage Michigan.

So, in this class, Michigan, by our estimates, has the fourth most productive class – landing a sharp-shooter, a versatile but inefficient scorer, and a legitimate inside presence. It is interesting that the three worst teams in the conference in terms of record have the most productive classes (excepting OSU) - which should say something about relying on freshmen to perform. In our final installments, we’ll take a look at future classes, and then try to give some observations on what we’ve learned.

If not for the Twitter, I would think Jay Feely was just an idiot kicker and not a regular idiot.

It’s not the people have gotten stupider. People have always been plenty stupid (and not just the French who have clearly been quite stupid throughout history.) In my day (we wore an onion on our belts…), when you were drunk and stupid (or just stupid with no excuse), the worst thing you could do was tell your buddy something dumb. If you planned ahead, then he was just as drunk as you and either agreed or forgot what you said. In the absolute worst case scenario, you could do was drunk dial your ex-girlfriend (which required some manual dexterity because you had to actually dial numbers on olde thyme phones unlike these devilish cell phones) and at least such phone calls had the possibility of having satisfying, if ultimately self-destructive, results.

Think I’m wrong? Let us check out the most popular college football blog in the known universe for today’s example of how Twitter is Satan’s toy.

It seems that a graduating Michigan football player whose draft status relies heavily on his combine performance vented some steam on the Twitter regarding frustrations with the new coaching staff. Does the charge have merit? We can’t say because we only know what read on the Twitter. Even so, it strikes me as unlikely that this is the way that young man intended to let the world know about his frustrations. If his desire was to bring the Brady Hoke Reunion Honeymoon to a screeching halt all he had to do was call up the local newspaper. I won’t link them but you know who I’m talking about. I won’t mention the Detroit Free Press or prodigal son Michael Rosenberg but you know who I mean. The Freep. That’s who I’m talking about.

I don’t think that’s what he meant to happen. He was just upset and blowing off steam and now rather than having those words fall down the memory hole they hang on computer monitors across the country and have been saved for all eternity by the Library of Congress. Really Library of Congress? Really?

If he hadn't felt the need to tweet about waking and baking, Santonio Holmes might be preparing to win another Super Bowl with the Steelers rather than complaining about Brain Schottenheimer and wearing a ridiculous hat thing.

Does it end there? No, of course not because now every idiot surfing the Twitter drunk on a Saturday night (?) can read those words and become inflamed with anger. They can then spread their anger to others by starting a 100+ comment thread on mgoboard.

Does it end there? No, because now just by typing the simple string “@desmondhoward” any idiot with fangers can alert Heisman Trophy winning, MICHIGAN MAN Desmond Howard of the developing injustice. Any drunk with a keyboard can righteously call in the cavalry. If Charles Woodson weren’t busy with that darned Super Bowl, we could enlist his aid also!

Only Michigan basketball assistant coach Bacari Alexander has found a way to use the Twitter as a force for good. He alone can continue tweeting with my approval.

Just to recap, we’ve got one upset young man who, rather than grabbing a beer with a friend or calling his dad (no QBForce jokes pls), mashed keys innocently enough on his cell in an emotional moment. The result is hundreds of comments on mgoblog and a plea for aid to Desmond Howard to say nothing of the potential complications in the young man’s real life.
Excellent. Ain’t progress grand?

In conclusion, 3% of the traffic on the Twitter involves Justin Bieber. (HT: max)

QED

*Yes, I got it. You can listen to your music everywhere but at the cost of being a deaf, mute menace on public transportation, in the workplace, and when jogging. Unfortunately, the death toll of Ipod-wearing joggers has not outpaced the spread of this nasty habit meaning one day some future Zola Bud will succeed in making me their own personal Mary Decker.

Addendum: In non-Michigan college football news, Mississippi State (last seen exhausting themselves running up and the down the field at the Gator Bowl) watched blue chip recruit C.J. Johnson jump ship to join interstate rival Ole Miss, citing Facebook stalking MSU fans as making the entire experience hell. Sanctioned, local bloggers have resorted to calling C.J. a little girl (for real people, I ain’t lying for once!) Sounds like MSU needs to get themselves a dex to clean up their corner of the internet.