A merry Christmas to all and to all Buckeyes a good night.

It was Christmas Eve and the desiccated body of OSU Athletic Director Gene Smith sank into his hospital bed as he watched the flashing lights, indicating his continued existence, on the machine that stubbornly fought against the laws of nature by extending his life. He ruminated over his fall as he ignored the sycophantic prattle of his only visitor.

“Dammit Luke, they said this wouldn’t happen. Why doesn’t the NCAA look into the details of Penn State and leave me alone?”

The Ghost of Buckeye Present, Luke Fickell furrowed his manly brow, “I’m not sure what that has to do with anything Mr. Smith?”

The combination of the too-tight Affliction t-shirt (especially tight on the sleeve to accentuate the bicep!) and Luke’s perfectly coifed hair (still crusty with the latest ‘product’ by Paul Mitchell), might have appeared metrosexual on some men. But Luke’s style, or lack thereof, was more modern douche bag and thus precluded questions about his sexual orientation.

“As I was saying A.D. Smith, Coach Bollman and I have added 3 new draw plays that I think will really come through for us on third down in the…”

“Dammit Luke. No one gives a rat’s ass about the stupid Gator Bowl! Even Charlie Weis jumped ship for Kansas rather than coach in this ridiculous bowl game.”

At that moment a beautiful song bird flew into the room, quickly circled it lifting the heavy presence of mortality with its ethereal presence, and then returned to light on the vested shoulder of the Ghost of Buckeye Past, Jim Tressel.

A pallor came over Gene Smith’s face as he choked out , “Coach Tressel… You didn’t come here to…to… Fire me, did you?”

“No my brother,” responded Tressel in his emotionless monotone. “I came to visit you here in the hospital because that’s my thing. It’s what I do. Besides, as the Ghost of Buckeye Past and the new Instant Replay Consultant in Indianapolis, I am mostly concerned with the past and not the future. Well, certain parts of the past because there are other parts that we just have to get past and not think about any more. Probably no one should have cared in the first place. ”

“Oh this is all so upsetting,” Smith interjected. “Luke, I have to do the thing. Give me the thing.”

Luke’s face screwed up with revulsion as he grabbed the bed pan and handed to Smith.

“NO, the other thing. Get the Bad Man doll.”

Looking relieved, Luke picked up a Maurice Clarett doll that was filled with pins and held it out to Smith.

“NO, THE OTHER BAD MAN.”

Luke quickly handed A.D. Smith a Terrelle Pryor doll muttering a soft apology. Gene tried ineffectually to stab it with a pin but wasn’t strong enough. On the third try he managed to pierce the tiny Terrelle Pryor in the mid-thigh.

“Would like a go at it Coach?” asked Gene as he handed the doll to Tressel. “Give him a good one in the head.”

Tressel chuckled mirthlessly as he turned the doll over, “I have a better idea” as he stabbed it directly in the right buttock.
“Oh well, have to run. I’m expected in the children’s wing, you know!”

The last of the transcendental lightness had just dissipated when a brooding darkness descended upon the room. Two huge men, dressed in black “SEC” shirts, filled the doorway and then parted to admit a much shorter man.
The Ghost of Buckeye Future, Urban Meyer strode into the room, a look of supreme control and confidence on his face.

He was wearing a navy blue shirt with “Muck Fichigan” in orange lettering.

“Why are you wearing an Illinois shirt?” queried Luke innocently.

Urban quickly glanced at Luke, his look of control melting into annoyed confusion. “Illinois? Does everyone hate those jackasses?” Then the mask of command snapped back into place, “It matters not. This entire conference is mine. Mine… MIIIIINE! I’ll take what I please.”

Seeing an opening, Gene piped in his worried question, “Coach Meyer, did you come here to fire…”

Imperiously, Urban lifted two fingers into the air, silencing Gene midsentence.

But before he could speak, Urban’s cell phone starting ringing (ring tone: Cheeseburger in Paradise by Jimmy Buffet.) He glanced at his phone and rolled his eyes with revulsion, “What? Yes Mike, I’m still looking for a spot for you. No, nothing is certain yet. Just get back to spending time with my family, OK.” He closed the phone before finishing with “idiot.”

And then to no one, “Dude rides Brady to a couple Super Bowls and then thinks he can coach in college like he’s like a skinny Charlie Weis or something. LOL rides Brady!”

Gene again. “Urban as your Athletic Director, I demand to know if you came here to fire me?”
Urban looked purposefully at the machines that kept Gene from shuffling his mortal coil* and said in tones dripping with threat. “Fire you? No, no, no. That’s not how we do things in the SEC.”

“We’re not in the SEC?”

“We are now.” concluded Urban with finality as he reached out and pulled the plug.
Darkness descended.

“Urban, why did you unplug the light?”

“Daddy, I’m afraid,” whispered Luke.

*Only on a pseudo-communist Michigan blog!!!

TARTARS!

Guess what I’m doing this Saturday other than nursing a hangover…  I will be watching my (very recent) Alma Mater, Wayne State University, take down Pittsburgh State in the Division II National Championship game.  That’s right.  Big stage, big something, big time Division Two football.

Match-up:

Wayne State vs. Pittsburg State

Kickoff: 11 a.m. Saturday, Braly Municipal Stadium, Florence, Ala.

TV/radio: ESPN2/WDTK

Records: Wayne State 12-3, Pittsburg State 12-1

Lead by what appears to be a 30 year old QB by the name of Mickey Mohner, Wayne State will bring their 12-3 Warriors to their first ever D II ‘ship game in Florence Alabama(?).  Mohner, who has 2,740 passing yards and 25 TD’s, has allegedly been hogging all the game time because his back-ups have only thrown a combined 8 passes.  Head corch, Paul Winters, is excited about the match up and looking to improve his record at Wayne State with another “W” under the ol’ belt (27-37, .422).

Pittsburgh State on the other hand has been to four D II championship games, winning in 1991.  They are good I guess.  They have a 12-1 record and they are named the “Gorillas”.  A football team from Kansas, named the Gorillas.  What is that?  Outside of that, Wikipedia doesn’t tell me much about this team and sports pages are all blocked at work.

Now I know what you are thinking.  “Why should I give a hullaballoo about a Division II football match?”  For starters, Terry Foster was able to write over 100 words about it, so it must have some potential.  But he also wrote an article about their equipment manager. I assume that was his idea because it embodies all the dull and irrelevant qualities that are Terry Foster.

My reasoning is to watch is simple.  I didn’t have a football team to call my own while getting my bachelors at Aquinas College.  Now I got a powerhouse, D2 team to go along with my MBA and $25K of extra debt, so I’m going to cheer this team on cot damnit!  (Pending any MICH home games and whether or not Wayne State is on TV) And for all of you who didn’t go to Wayne State, feel free to cheer them on as well because I don’t give a rats ass if you went to WSU or not and neither do Mickey Mohner and the rest of the Tartars.

Other reasons to watch the Division II Championship game:

• Something to do while you wait for the Michigan vs. Alabama A&M Basketball game to start
• It’s Football
• Maybe you went to school there as well?
• It’s a valid excuse to start drinking at 11am.
• That’s about it.

Pitt State Head Corch (Below)

Go Blue.

People ask me how I can be a hardcore fan of a pro sports team. They can’t process the devotion of a professional sports fan, because we’re just cheering for laundry, right? Not some tradition-steeped money-printing golden pyramid of virtuousness like a big time university. It’s hard to explain to them, but I can tell you.

See, I love you Detroit, and you’re right, I’ve never even lived there. I did grow up in your shadow – that far-ranging auto industry shadow – that fed my family and my friends families and everything in our town to a large extent. We didn’t soar as high as you did and our fall was faster, sooner, harder.

We traveled to you, but we weren’t exactly tourists. We were students. Our families took us to the Corner and we drove down deserted downtown streets, and we asked where the people were at. We didn’t understand why it wasn’t like trips to Chicago, with families crowding the avenues and bright, shining storefronts. The elders talked about how it used to be and we wondered what happened and over the years we learned. Your boarded up businesses taught us about the real race issues in America, the ones they gloss over in middle school history. We researched riots and politics and you planted the seed that drives our politics today – whichever way you lean.

And at the heart of those trips was the Corner. It smelled, looked and felt like the harness raceway back home. Instead of half-person jockeys in carts there were beer vendors and peanuts, panhandlers and Travis Fryman. It was the time you got to stay up til 1 AM with no consequences and see a city a night.

What I like about you, Detroit, is that you’re honest in your lies. When you have the worst professional football roster in history, you lose every god damned game. If you can’t hit a ball inside but can’t bring yourself to lay off, you swing at three straight pitches in the dirt. When the taxes can’t pay for the promises, you let the buildings rot in full view. If you need money, you ask. It isn’t always honorable and it’s rarely pretty but it’s not hidden. It’s there for the world.

What I love about you, though, is that when you’re good you don’t hide it. You break 9 tackles in one run, catch touchdown passes in triple coverage, win basketball championships scoring less than football teams, inflict grave bodily harm on quarterbacks, throw 101 in the 8th, crack jokes at first, play hunches and tinker with the lineup, build monster cars that make grown men weep 40 years later, manufacture an army to save Europe, and build a giant statue of a fist – because – Fuck You, that’s why.

They are going to spend a lot of time this weekend talking about your troubles and how these freak athletes are going to save you and people will bat around their theories of revitalization. But you don’t need a savior. You don’t need a superhero or a light rail or a new bridge. None of that is going to “save” anything. You need people that believe, wherever they are, and you need smart, talented people that work. Your teams aren’t you – they are now the ideal you strive for. Talented machines built by patient architects. The equals of anyone they meet on the field.

You aren’t the American underdog, or the realization of the American dream, or the American Paris, or the symbol of the broken American promises – you are America, every triumph and failure. And you’ll always be more than just laundry to me.

[ed note: Better late than never and thanks to chunkums for the Gorgeous Borges!]

Hathachips:

1. Offensive Prediction: The forecast for Saturday includes “WINDY”, which will lead MICH to a similar offensive game plan as last week. 80% running plays, 5% passing plays 10% incomplete passing plays and 5% fumbles. Thankfully Minnesota has a terrible passing defense, allowing Denard to complete 3 big passing plays for 150 yards. 300+ more will come on the ground.
2. Offensive Key Player(s): Roy Roundtree will come back around to his productive self, catching 2 passing TD. Vinny & Fitz will split 250 rushing yards.
3. Defensive Prediction: Minnesota has been able to score, but they have not played really good teams. They average 22.75 ppg this year while MICH is only allowing 12.75. I don’t see Minny getting more than a couple of TD’s and a FG here. One TD coming from a broken play.
4. Key Defensive Player(s): Kovacs will continue to KILL people. Craig Roh FIRES UP CHIPS and has a breakthrough game.
5. Final Score: 38 MICH, 17 Minny
6. Miscellaneous prediction/thoughts: Minnesota lost to a FCS team this year by 13 points. I looked up stats, so my prediction is FACT.

max:

1. Offensive Prediction: Denard finally passes for more yards than he rushes for, but to the tune of 350 yards passing and 200 yards rushing.
2. Offensive Key Player(s): The OL looks better than they have in previous games, do not yield a sack, and provided a bunch of pancakes that do not get lightboxed in the UFR.
3. Defensive Prediction: MICH gives up 7 points and less than 250 yards of total offense.
4. Key Defensive Player: Jake Ryan has another fumble recovery and only loses contain once.
5. Final Score: MICH 49 Minny 7
6. Miscellaneous prediction/thoughts: The performance of MICH leads to irrational exuberance and the return of TK-421 assistant coach fiction!

jg

1. Offensive Prediction: Minnesota’s team is offensive right now. Their best LB and CB are out hurt. Their D-line is SDSU-style undersized. Michigan should rush for about 8 ypc, and get Thomas Rawls some second-half carries. Also, Denard will turn in a top 10 all-time Michigan QB yardage performance, and will do it in 3 ½ quarters. Devin Gardner will get some playing time and will impress.
2. Offensive Key Player(s): Denard for 3 quarters. Also, Denard, Vinny Smits, and Junior Hemingway.
3. Defensive Prediction: If Gray plays, he’ll get one long run. I don’t expect the Gophers to put up more than 14 points.
4. Key Defensive Player: Guys getting experience – Ken Wilkins perhaps, Quentin Washington, Blake Countess, Frank Clark, Desmond Morgan, and Marvin Robinson.
5. Final Score: 52-14 MICH.
6. Miscellaneous prediction/thoughts: Miscellaneous predictions/thoughts: Borges will undoubtedly mix in some shorter passes to make Denard comfortable. Minnesota is terrible at press coverage (actually, Minnesota is terrible at everything), so if they try it after Denard throws it short, deep passes should be open. Also, let’s hope Jerry Kill has a quiet game and post-game. The man deserves some calm.
7. Hoke Troll: http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/354xlp/
   

chunkums

1. Offensive Prediction: Denard runs for 170 with the other backs gaining another 120. In the mean time, Denard has a surprisingly competent day of passing, throwing for 165.
2. Offensive Key Player(s): Duh
3. Defensive Prediction: The DL continues in the form we saw last game and has Marqueis Gray running for his life, causing him to throw three picks.
4. Key Defensive Player: Mike Martin
5. Final Score: 38-7 MIIIIIIIIICH
6. Miscellaneous prediction/thoughts: Al Borges will continue to look like he is deviously planning something up in that booth.

The vaunted WLA

I’m too hungover to answer these questions, but check out these guys:

Max

1. Offensive Prediction: MICH  finally has more than two TDs on long running plays and scores over 40.
   
2. Offensive Key Player(s): Roundtree has a breakout game with more than 100 yards receiving and two TDs.
3. Defensive Prediction: SDSU scores a FG and TD on their first two drives, but only manages to score once more the rest of the game racking up yards without points.
4. Defensive Key Player(s): Demens leads the team in tackles and helps keep the SDSU running game under 200 yards for the game.
5. Final Score:  MICH 42 SDSU 17
6. Miscellaneous predictions/thoughts: Denard has over 400 yards with 250 in the air and 150 on the ground from the shotgun and only 15 yards passing and 10 yards rushing from under center.

Hathachips

1. Offensive Prediction: MICH is totally going to change up the game plane. Let Denard free for the 1st 3 quarters, take a 38 point lead and then go back to Lloyd ball for the 4th, allowing SDSU to cover the spread. Multiple Vinny Smits runs and screen passes. Denard will carry the ball 20+ times again.
2. Offensive Key Player(s): Vinny Smits: 225+ total game yardage.
3. Defensive Prediction: After eating some crow wangs, Braddy Hork sits his corches down and tells him the SDSU offense to completion. Michigan shuts them down for the first 3 quarters. Hoke will eventually feel bad for his old school and throw in the 2nd team MICH defense and allow SDSU to get back within 2 TD’s.
4. Defensive Key Player(s): Kovacs will be dialed up, oh his Zack Morris phone, to sack the quarter back. Some other guy, sitting somewhere, looking at film will also pick up a fumble for a TD.
5. Final Score: 41 – 33 MIIIIIIIIIIIICH
6. Miscellaneous predictions/thoughts: “PUSH ‘EM BACK PUSH ‘EM BACK PUSH ‘EM BACK TAAAAAAAAACKLE” Guy in my section will finally choose a candidate to encourage by name as he did with Chris Perry. “GO GO GO GO GO Gooooooo CHRIS GO!”

Chunkums

1. Offensive Prediction: The team will run almost exclusively out of the shotgun with a heavy dose of zone running from Denard, with a rushing total over 300 yards against SDSU’s tiny front seven.
2. Offensive Key Player(s): DenRAD
3. Defensive Prediction: Lindley will pass for a lot of yards, but will also throw a couple of interceptions due to a lot of pressure brought from every angle.
4. Defensive Key Player(s): Thomas Gordon
5. Final Score: 41-27 MICH
6. Miscellaneous predictions/thoughts: Hoke will exit the stadium early rather than bidding farewell to his former team, then will send a mass text to them all, saying, “lol remember this?”