Wolverine Liberation Army

Inception

Warner Bros.

Theaters. Theaters Everywhere.

148 minutes

Director Christopher Nolan’s last film outside of his rebooted Batman franchise was 2006’s “The Prestige,” a mystery on the mortal rivalry between two Victorian-era magicians. It opened and closed with the same question: “Are you watching closely?” That question has been the motto of Nolan’s filmmaking career since he debuted the expanses of his intellect with 2000’s “Memento.” Above all other sensory engagements, Nolan requires his audience’s undivided attention. Never has this been truer than with “Inception.” Because so much of his directorial work has been adapted from existing sources, Nolan’s ability to make his audience expand the boundaries of their perception has been only partially showcased. With “Inception,” an original work wholly his own, Nolan has the audience all to himself, and he doesn’t waste the opportunity.

The plot of Inception is too dense to encapsulate and too polished to spoil. In Nolan’s world exists the technology to invade, populate, and manipulate the human subconscious through dreams. Leonardo DiCaprio (“Shutter Island”) is Cobb, an expert practitioner of this invasion and fugitive for reasons unknown. He has a chance to clear his besmirched name via one last impossible job.

As a heist film, “Inception” relies on an ensemble of thieves; they even have titles that reflect their responsibilities. Ariadne is the Architect. Eames is the Forger. Yusuf is the Chemist. Arthur, well, shoot, he’s just Arthur. But he’s no less important than the rest of the gang. Joseph Gordon-Levitt (“500 Days of Summer”) fills the role with a clenched jaw, cherishing efficiency and precision above all. He steals the film with a fight scene, perhaps the best — and certainly the most creative — in years. It’s the technical centerpiece of the film and may not be topped in a lifetime.

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Popularity: 27%

1. Rachel Uchitel:  As the #1 Skank in the power rankings, this celeb slopping “Party Planner” is more than the tabloids first thought.  Accusations of her running a NYC escort service have began to arise out of this skanktastic scandal and the alleged $1 million dollar payout by Woods Inc. doesn’t make any of it sound better.  She is the top player holding all the cards.  She may not only have Tiger sending her jealous emails about her possibly “cheating?” on him, but she could have a black book of multiple skanks Woods has put the driver to. 
2. Joslyn James: One of two pornstars who has yet to speak up much about her skins game with the pro golfer.  There are allegations of multiple porn practice sessions between the two and with her chosen profession you know there must be some video footage with a high price tag on it for Woods Inc. to hide.  Look for her career to explode more than Tiger on a golf outing in Los Angeles (not on the golf course).
3. Jamiee Grubbs:  Already paid an alleged $300,000 for her text messages and hilarious voicemail “Hey, it’s Tiger”, this reality star and cocktail waitress from San Diego has plenty of info to make Mrs. Woods reach for the nearest 7 iron.  The text messages alone bring Tiger’s image of the unfaithful golfer guy to a full blown nerd with a sex addiction.  “I will wear you out” is soon to be the newest bootytext message sent to skanks and loved ones all across the nation.
4. Kalika Moquin: The Las Vegas nightclub executive was Tigers #1 connection to skank festivals when visiting Sin City.  Her actually important job will now be in jeopardy after spilling the beans about Tiger sticking it in the hole from her bunker.  Having multiple relations with the golfer and a strong desire for fancy shit, this 27 year old can produce a fine list of reasons her sex story buyout could reach 7 figures.
5. Cori Rist:  A sleeper in the power rankings that recently came out of the clubhouse about her relations with Tiger.  Allegedly flown to multiple tournaments, stayed in adjacent rooms at the hotel and shacked up with Tiger for only a 6 month period.  Why only 6 months?  Because she wanted more and the PGA superstar wouldn’t play by her rules.  The only skank of 8 to actually dump Tiger woods has plenty more to say and is most likely seething at the opportunity to cash in along with her Tiger Skank Sorority sister.
6. Holly Sampson:  In May, 2009 she was actually the first to speak up about cleaning Tigers “Club” at a bachelor party on the website “Naughty America” during a live interview (topless of course) with other porn stars.  Because this was in the shadows until now it means 1 of 2 things, golf fans don’t subscribe to porn sites, or they just don’t talk about it.  Most likely the latter of the two.   This xxx star is about as smart as a box of rocks but willing to put it all out there. Her profession gives her an upper hand due to the fact that she has an excellent porn dialect which could cause Elin Woods to jump into another club swinging rage in 3.5 seconds.  Her payout may not be as handsome and she probably could care less. 
7. Jamie Jungers: Cocktail waitress from Vegas, engaged during her affair with Tiger to a young man who idolized Tiger woods.  It’s sad but true, her ex-fiancé had a shrine of Woods memorabilia in their home and because of her possible family values and normal picture she would be the least likely have a high buyout in this sex-octagon.
8. Mindy Lawton: Manger at a Perkins restaurant in the Orlando area and the least attractive of the 8 skanks to speak of Tiger’s philandering.  Her power ranking is low for 2 reasons.  1, It’s hard to believe a guy worth 1 billion dollars would hit that and 2, She has changed the image of Perkins from “Family Dining” to “I just played golf, time to go to Perkins and get me a turkey sandwich with a side of skank.”

Popularity: 50%

I’m anxiously awaiting the first wave of articles that proclaim Tiger is in for a struggle this upcoming golf season due to the “distractions” his little incident has caused him.

If they are traditionally golf writers, I’ll mark them as page-click hungry idiots. If it’s Rick Reilly, I’ll shrug and continue assembling the nail bomb I’m sending to his office. If it’s someone who doesn’t normally write about golf I’ll just give them a pass on general stupidity.

You see, golf is a pretty hard sport. I don’t feel like arguing with people about this, especially meathead HURRRRR ALL THEY DO IS SWING HURRRR types, so ahead and mosey on over to ESPN.com or something if that’s your thing.

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Popularity: 16%