At 5:30, I have the distinct pleasure of smoking an American Spirit and walking to my apartment instead of cramming into the Taurus for a rage filled drive down the bayshore littered with tourists and their gaping jaws. On a day like today, I like to detour a mile or two and do my best [...]

In an unprecedented, but not wholly surprising move, the United States have agreed to trade the state of New Hampshire for England winger Aaron Lennon. The diminutive but sprightly winger was said to be in favor of the deal saying, “I’m glad to instantly be the best player that has ever played for the United [...]

Every four years, the stars align. The Winter Olympics fizzle out, having fallen victim to their own inherent uselessness; dejected non-American, non-Norwegian, non-German sportsfans turn to drink, licentiousness, and ABDC to dull the pain of yet another humiliation. But then a screaming comes across the sky. It has happened before, but there is nothing to [...]