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Land of Lincoln Trophy under threat

Brodie — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 02:23:02 +0000

Over the past few days, the Big Ten blogosphere has been aflame with rumors about the potential demise of the conference’s greatest rivalry. “How could it be?” people have been asking… surely the conference higher ups couldn’t be so stupid as to throw away the greatest tradition they had just for the sake of TV money! Sadly, it appears they could.

We’re talking — of course — about the season ending battle for the Land of Lincoln trophy. Who could imagine a season where our beloved Wildcatz didn’t play the scum from Champaign to end the season? Sadly, it seems the Big Ten is imaging just that… transforming the greatest rivalry in all of sports into a meaningless game in the middle of October. This isn’t the Red River Rivalry or the World’s Greatest Outdoor Cocktail Party we’re talking about, this is the Land of Lincoln trophy! This game divides families and splits neighborhoods… it’s not just a football game, it’s a battle for the soul of the state.

Splitting us up just so you can hope and pray that we’ll meet again in the conference championship game is just silly. Sure it would be a massive moneymaker, but it wouldn’t happen nearly often enough to make it worth devaluing the game. Hasn’t anyone learned anything from the ACC’s attempt to artificially force an annual Miami-Florida State title game? And rematches suck anyway, no matter how many weeks apart they are. This is bound to end badly, just like the Big 12′s murder of the Nebraska-Oklahoma rivalry that led to the current situation in our own conference.

To that end, we at the WLA want to send a message to Jim Delany and the Big Ten: Que sera, sera. At the end of the day, we’re just happy to still be here and not hightailing it to the MAC. Kthxbai.

Boats, Lies and Videotape

MRG — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 15:25:19 +0000

Bill Martin. Who is this man? What do we really know about him. In the past few months the Michigan fanbases core belief that Bill Martin was a good and simple man has been rocked to its core by revelations from a secret past that he’s worked very hard to be keep concealed. Like Idi Amin wearing a Mother Teresa skin suit, it was only a matter of time before the leathered veneer of human skin began to decompose and Martin’s true self was revealed.

Revelation, the first. Bill Martin secured mortgages for various members of U-M’s coaching staffs through the Bank of Ann Arbor. Oh, did I mention that Bill Martin IS THE CHAIRMAN OF THE BANK OF ANN ARBOR? Martin tried to brush it all off as a “normal business transaction” that “people” engage in “every day” at “banks” across “America.” Spin it however you want, all I see is hush money.

Revelation, the second. Bill Martin had made physical contact with members of the Michigan Stadium security staff when they didn’t recognize him at recent football games. Apparently, in Bill Martin’s world, you can punch a Starbuck’s barista in the face if they don’t greet you by name. Actually, that’s not a bad world. I digress…

It would be bad enough if that was all there was to the story. However, smelling blood on the water, the WLA Investgative Team decided to dig deeper. Our pick is sharp and our will is outstanding. Doing the dirty work that the bought and paid for main stream media is either unwilling or too inept to do, we’ve uncovered a startling pattern of ego run amok.

March 14th, 1947. Martin walks into a public library in a small Ohio town. He takes “Curious George Takes A Job” off the shelf, presents his library card and the librarian promptly stamps “04 / 10 / 47″ as the due date. The book comes back…on April 13th, 1947. The seven year old Martin never pays an overdue fee and never serves a day in prison. Fast forward to five months ago when that same library had to reduce evening hours to Monday through Wednesday only due to budget cuts. Because of Bill Martin, the working people of semi-rural Ohio can only borrow books on a select few nights of the week.

October 23rd, 1961. Martin, now a senior at Wittenberg University, turns in a research that contains a reference to a journal article that was written in 1955. That article was actually written in 1954. No points are deducted from the paper, likely because the professor is afraid of retribution from Martin’s feared posse, know on campus as “The Debate Club.” Had the paper been graded as a 0, like it should have been, Martin would have fallen from “Dean’s List” to “Class Honors” and likely would have ended up addicted to LSD.

June 2nd, 2003 – May 14th, 2005. Perhaps the most damning discovery in Bill Martin’s sordid past. During this time frame, Martin repeatedly arranges rendezvouses between wealthy men and a woman he refers to only as “the seductress.” Martin is paid thousands for his part in setting up these activities. The men we spoke to said that they had “rode the seductress all night long” and that they “swabbed her poop deck.” As we understand it, many of these dalliances took place on Martin’s boat, which is pictured below:

One final point. Let’s look at Bill Martin’s name. Bill MARTIN. Only one letter away from Bill MARTIAN. I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

So, there you have it. The WLA Investigative Team had to bring these issues to the forefront to ensure that those in power know that they will be held accountable. We demand that Martin resign from his current position of athletic director by September 5th, 2010. Only then, will justice be served.

We’re Not Getting Him, and Other Cold Hard Realities- a Letter to Asshats

TK-421 — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 18:41:33 +0000

Dear Asshats (aka people who think RichRod should be fired now):

Hello. You don’t know me, but I’m the guy that’s going to tell it like it is. If you’re upset with the direction Rich Rodriguez is taking the Michigan football program and would like to see him fired now, there are some unavoidable realities you need to face.

1. Firing Rich Rodriguez After Two Seasons is an Extremely Bad Idea

I don’t know what your next step would be, so help me walk through the timeline here. First, do you want RichRod to be fired right fucking now, before he’s even allowed to finish his second season? If so, then wow- conceivably, the team could win one of these last two games (unlikely, I know) and go to a bowl game…and you’d still think it wasn’t good enough to stop the termination of the head coach before his second season was finished. Wow.

But suppose we take the more likely finish of 5-7, and you believe he should be fired but only after that’s occurred. Ok, that puts Michigan (back) in a national coaching search in early December, when all the “good” coaches are preparing for bowl games and while several other programs are trying to land those very same “good” coaches, and you know what? We went through this already and it sucked donkey balls. How much confidence do you have that a retiring Bill Martin is going to do a better, more aggressive hiring job now than he did then (back when he barely lumbered up and offered Greg freaking Schiano)? Best case scenario is that Martin finds somebody, anybody by the end of the month. Worst case scenario is, well, worse- we don’t have a coach until mid-January, mere weeks before National Signing Day. Awesome.

Which brings us to the next point about firing RichRod now- the recruiting class will be decimated. Take a look at the verbals- until a coach is landed, none of those guys is a lock because most are a “fit” for RichRod’s system. That goes especially for the best recruit (QB Devin Gardner) who would definitely go to another spread option-based program, no sugarcoat. With all the roster issues Michigan is suffering through now, why would you be eager to inflict even more of that on the program you claim to love so much? Making a coaching change now would haunt the program for at least 3-4 more years- how is that better than sticking with a coach for 2+ more years?

2. Calling for 1 is the Act of an Immature, Delusional Dickbag
I know this from experience. I remember in Lloyd’s first few years as coach, I was an unhappy hater. I called years of 8-4 “unacceptable,” I called for Fred Jackson’s head (weird, huh?), I really wanted somebody else as coach blah blah blah. Most of you already know this story- 1997 happened and I realized that the magical national championship season could have easily been 8-4 and I really really really didn’t know what the hell I was talking about. I chalked that asshole phase of my fandom up to youth and moved along.

You, however, seem to have “grown up” without ever accepting the fact that you don’t know what you’re talking about and therefore you would suck as a football coach. I at least own up to the fact that I don’t know dick about football (latest example). The game is fascinating and entertaining and frustrating, but God help me if I try to pick out some crucial block, double move, head fake, etc. Despite my best efforts to learn more from gsimmons and Steve Sharik and Chris Brown, I’m hopeless. And I think it’s safe to say I’m not the only one. We see the ball, we follow the ball, we love/hate the result of the movement of the ball, and that’s about all we can do.

If you admit that you don’t know jack about football (and you likely don’t), then it follows that you have no special knowledge or information that lends credibility to your judgement that RichRod should be fired. You don’t know football, therefore you also don’t know football coaching, so STFU and try and enjoy yourself. Anything else simply means you judge people and programs solely on outcomes and completely ignore process. I say from personal experience that’s a shitty way to be a fan, and you need to realize that your shitty fandom is making it worse for the non-shitty fans.

3. This Is Not Up to You
How many times must this be explained to you?

4. There Are No Better, Realistic Options Right Now
What kind of message will this program send to hot coaching prospects if Rich Rodriguez is fired after two seasons? A coaching search is a two-way street- Michigan is an attractive job, sure, but we’d presumably be pursuing equally attractive coaches. So what’s our sales pitch here? “We’ll pay you lots of money and you’ll have tremendous prestige and visibility, but only for two years because we ignore the roster-raping that’s been going on for a long time and you’re fucked before you even start- so, how about it?”

Really, you think that sales pitch will fly with Brian Kelly or Les Miles or…anyone else? Get a grip. Giving a coach a quick hook and messing up the roster guarantees that smart coaches will stay the fuck away from that program. See: Notre Dame, Urban Meyer, lolWeis. Fire Rodriguez Now = We’re Not Getting Anyone Good or Smart.

5. Progress Has Been Made
5(+?)>3. Therefore, progress.

2009 Michigan Offense > 2008 Michigan Offense. Therefore, progress.

2009 Michigan Defense = 2008 Michigan Defense. We seem to forget how sucky last year’s defense was, and that was with Brandon Harrison, Morgan Trent, John Thompson, Terrance Taylor, and Will Johnson, contributors all. Yes, this defense is horrible, but unfortunately Horrible =/= Regression.

More wins, better offense, and the same shitty defense…how is that not progress? No, I’m not giving you links to prove any of this, because A) I’m lazy, and B) if you had any interest in facts you probably wouldn’t be calling for RichRod’s head to begin with.

6. This Still is and Always was a Rebuilding Job
Perhaps this is the reality you want to face the least- this team was in shitty shape before RichRod arrived. I know, it sucks to say that out loud, but there it is- Lloyd got tired and sloppy at the end, and the program is a little fucked up as a result. I love him, but bless his heart he didn’t seem to put the required energy into the program after about 2003. He wanted to retire earlier because of this, but Bo convinced him to stick it out for a few more years (again I’m sure there’s a link for this but I’m not going to go get it because I’m lazy). We are paying the price for that fatigue now.

When RichRod arrived in January 2008, there was little offensive line talent, no offensive line depth, no safety talent, no safety depth, little linebacker talent, no linebacker depth, no quarterback talent, no quarterback depth, and little receiver talent. The only position groups ready to go were running back and defensive line, which are arguably being maximized by RichRod right now.

With that roster reality facing RichRod, he deserves time to build the squad back up. Playstation tells me that 2 years is not enough time to rebuild a college roster, so it must be even worse in the real world.

7. If You Choose to Ignore 1-6, then Please Stop Rooting for Michigan

If you’re the type of person that likes to ignore reality just because reality isn’t giving you what you think you’re entitled to, then fuck you and go away from “my” team. You’re obviously not having any fun watching this disaster rise from the ashes, and the rest of us aren’t having any fun trying to get you to stop your whiny bitching. I’m tired of you, you’re tired of me and the program, so let’s just go our separate ways. Seriously, fuck off.

Want to “send a message” to the athletic department that RichRod is UNACCEPTABLE? Stop going to the games, stop watching them on tv, and stop buying M apparel. Trust me, nothing gets the attention of an athletic department like declining ticket, TV, and apparel revenues so if all this is UNACCEPTABLE then do your part, man- go the fuck away and don’t come back until Rich Rodriguez is fired. And if he never gets fired because he actually is a good coach and gets this program back on its feet, well, you made your choice didn’t you?

Just jump already. Stop talking about it and just go away.

…

These are the realities you face, asshats: it’s stupid to fire Rodriguez now, you’re a dick for wanting to do something stupid, it’s not up to you anyway, we’re not getting Brian Kelly or Les Miles right now, progress has been made, rebuilding takes time, and just go the fuck away already. The penis of reality is slapping you in the face right now, and it’s time for you to suck on it.

Sincerely,

The WLA

We're Not Getting Him, and Other Cold Hard Realities- a Letter to Asshats

TK-421 — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 18:41:33 +0000

Dear Asshats (aka people who think RichRod should be fired now):

1. Firing Rich Rodriguez After Two Seasons is an Extremely Bad Idea

3. This Is Not Up to You
How many times must this be explained to you?

5. Progress Has Been Made
5(+?)>3. Therefore, progress.

2009 Michigan Offense > 2008 Michigan Offense. Therefore, progress.

7. If You Choose to Ignore 1-6, then Please Stop Rooting for Michigan

Just jump already. Stop talking about it and just go away.

…

Sincerely,

The WLA

Hold Onto the Damn Ball!

ShockFX — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 17:22:36 +0000

Hold Onto the Damn Ball

M: A Tale of Football, Chapter 1 (Sunday morning)*

TK-421 — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 14:42:55 +0000

From: Rich Rodriguez (hotrod@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09, 6:59 AM
To: Greg Frey (freydaddy@michiganfootball.com)
Cc:
Subject: Your fat ass

Put that fucking donut down, get your ass in here and show me how this email works again. Every time I hit “send” it copies in some kid in Arkansas.

Rich

From: Rich Rodriguez (hotrod@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09, 7:14 AM
To: Michigan Football Staff
Cc: Mike Barwis (wolverinepiss@michiganfootball.com)
Subject: NEW GAME – NEW GOALS

First, a happy Sunday to everyone. Thank you also for sacrificing your day off to come in and begin preparation for the Purdue game. As you know, in six days we play for bowl eligibility. Again. To win we must have tremendous execution in every phase of the game.

Scary as Purdue is, I know we can win this game. Those in doubt should take a look at what we have achieved in the last 12 months. When we came here at the beginning of 2008 this team had gone soft and stale, and Bill Martin gave me a monumental task.

He said, “make us proud and win.” Well, we’ve won a few games. And we’ve made some people proud. Remember the Notre Dame game?

He said, “just don’t lose to a MAC team.” We did in fact do this, but as they say in the Lion King it’s all in the past. Hakuna Matata.

He said, “fix that donkeyshit defense.” Well, I brought in Greg Robinson to shake things up on that side of the ball, and the results have been exciting (to say the least)!

He said, “just get to a bowl, dammit.” Then he said, “you have three years hick” and left to go sailing. And now, we are on the verge of getting to a bowl and keeping our jobs for another year (or more!).

We should all be extremely proud of our efforts. We are a long way from fielding a championship caliber team, but we’ve made progress and we’re on the verge of achieving a breakthrough- a bowl game in Detroit!

Let’s do everything we can to BEAT PURDUE! GO BLUE!

Rich Rodriguez
Head Coach
University of Michigan Football
“Country roads take me home”

From: Ryan Mallett (gunforhire@pigsooeyfootball.com) – 11/1/09 7:20 AM
To: Rich Rodriguez (hotrod@michiganfootball.com)
Cc:
Subject: Re: NEW GAME – NEW GOALS

I REMEMBER PURDUE CHICKS THEY WERE UGLY ENGINEERS. KINDA FAT TOO, BUT THAT’S OK BECAUSE THEY WERE SLUTS. OMG IT’S EARLY I JUST GOT BACK FROM THE BARS AND NOW I’M GOING TO BANG THIS BLOND RIGHT HERE ON THE COUCH. I CAN GO ALL NIGHT *AND* ALL DAY THAT’S HOW I ROLL.

THESE GUNS ARE FOR SALE,

RYAN

From: Rich Rodriguez (hotrod@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09, 7:21 AM
To: Greg Frey (freydaddy@michiganfootball.com)
Cc:
Subject: Your fat ass

Get your fucking nose out of Chef’s Weekly and explain why, despite your lazy efforts, ~~the fucking line can’t get 1 fucking yard in four fucking tries~~ my last email went to goddamn Ryan Mallett. That asshat is like a dirty penny.

Also, for some reason changes I make to text don’t fully disappear. What the fuck is “track changes,” you miserable tub of cooking oil?

Rich Rodriguez
Head Coach
University of Michigan Football
“Country roads take me home”

From: Bruce Madej, Sports Information Director (sid@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09 8:30 AM
To: Michigan Football Staff
Cc: Rick Trickett (trickyrick@seminolefootball.com)
Subject: Changes

Sadly, Greg Frey has decided to leave the staff and is no longer assisting the offense. We wish him well in his new career in the culinary arts. However, we have been able to land Rick Trickett as the interim offensive line coach, until a permanent decision is made in the offseason. We’re in the process of installing a new email account for Rick, but in the meantime please correspond with him at his old Florida State address (copied in this email).

Bruce Madej
Sports Information

From: Calvin Magee (calvinball@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09 9:01 AM
To: Michigan Offensive Staff
Cc: Rich Rodriguez (hotrod@michiganfootball.com), Mike Barwis (wolverinepiss@michiganfootball.com)
Subject: Sack Up and Get Ready To Go

You need no reminding of the importance of the Purdue game. This is the big one. The Goal. Our Rose Bowl. A chance for The Pizza Bowl.

Coach Rodriguez and Freddie Jack will brief us at noon in the conference room. Be ready, be sharp, but you’d better be there.

Cal

From: Fred Jackson (fastestever@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09 9:06 AM
To: Calvin Magee (calvinball@michiganfootball.com)
Cc:
Subject: Re: Sack Up and Get Ready To Go

Calvin, I know you think this is no big deal, but please stop calling me “Freddie Jack” in front of the rest of the staff. That nickname is for use only in private, and as Head Coach of the Backs Who Run Fast I find it’s better to remain above the peasants. See you at noon.

Best Regards,

Fred Jonathan Jackson
Head Coach of the Backs Who Run Fast
University of Michigan Football
“Those Who Stay Will Be Champions”

From: Greg Robinson (pertandbouncy@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09 9:11 AM
To: Michigan Defensive Staff
Cc:
Subject: Ideas?

Guys, we really need to put something together that actually works for the Purdue game. I’m thinking maybe we should switch Troy Woolfolk over to a new position, one that I’ve termed the “Prellbacker,” and simultaneously we move Brandon Graham over to the “Coconut Creme” side of the line…I’ll explain at our 3 PM meeting, but everyone else please bring ideas too!

Whew! Ok, off to the showers!

Greg Robinson
Defensive Coordinator
University of Michigan Football
“If You Don’t Look Good, We Don’t Look Good”

From: Fred Jackson (fastestever@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09 9:15 AM
To: Tony Dews (tonytonitone@michiganfootball.com)
Cc:
Subject: Rick Trickett

Tony, as Head Coach of the Backs Who Run Fast I will not be able to devote the time needed to bring Rick Trickett up to speed on getting the offensive line functioning. Since you are lower in seniority, I humbly request that you “show him the ropes” this afternoon before practice. Let’s make sure we don’t have another o-line coach walk out the door, yes yes?

Best Regards,

Fred Jonathan Jackson
Head Coach of the Backs Who Run Fast
University of Michigan Football
“Those Who Stay Will Be Champions”

From: Bruce Madej, Sports Information Director (sid@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09 9:35 AM
To: Michigan Football Staff
Cc:
Subject: Email composition problems – URGENT

Please be careful when composing emails for the time being as any deletions, corrections, etc. you make won’t disappear but will instead show up as text with a line through it. This is the “track changes” feature that was installed by Scott Shafer last year, in his valiant effort to increase collaboration amongst the staff. We are still not entirely familiar with how he put this in but we had managed to turn it off of each of the individual accounts and keep this “bug” away from our emails. However, anytime a user toggles this setting individually it becomes the default setting for the entire group, and inexplicably some as yet unknown user has done this.

For the rest of the morning our administrative staff will be visiting your computers to ensure that all individual accounts have the “track changes” setting turned off. We’ll start with the grad assistants and move up from there- obviously an important week like this requires that we stay out of the coaches’ way, especially the head coach!

Bruce Madej
Sports Information

From: Fred Jackson (fastestever@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09 9:36 AM
To: Rick Trickett (trickyrick@seminolefootball.com)
Cc: Tony Dews (tonytonitone@michiganfootball.com)
Subject: Welcome to the Trenches

Rick, tremendous apologies to you for my not being able to personally brief you on the duties of the offensive line. As you are aware we are in the midst of an extremely important game prep week that will (cross your fingers!) enable us to go to the Pizza Bowl. I’m sure you’re a little confused as to how to coach these ~~fat bearded mules~~ ~~lazy slow goobers~~ “Miniature Paul Bunyans,” but Tony Dews has been made available to answer all your questions.

Best Regards,

Fred Jonathan Jackson
Head Coach of the Backs Who Run Fast
University of Michigan Football
“Those Who Stay Will Be Champions”

From: Ryan Mallett (gunforhire@pigsooeyfootball.com) – 11/1/09 10:03 AM
To: Rich Rodriguez (hotrod@michiganfootball.com)
Cc:
Subject: Re: Your fat ass

DIRTY PENNIES ARE FOR HOOKERS NOT SLUTS AND I DON’T PAY FOR MY SEX. IN FACT THEY SHOULD PAY ME THAT’S HOW GOOD I AM AT SLUTBANGING. WOO SOOEY I’M STILL DRUNK AND LOOKING TO SCORE JUST LIKE IN THE GAME BITCH!

MY ARM IS ILLEGAL IN CANADA,

RYAN

From: Tony Dews (tonytonitone@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09 10:17 AM
To: Rick Trickett (trickyrick@seminolefootball.com)
Cc:
Subject: The Big Uglies

Hi Rick, I’m Tony and I’ll be helping you take over coaching the o-line. Fred Jackson asked me to brief you on your new duties, but I’m a little busy right now getting ready for Purdue. I’ll check in with you this afternoon, but in the meantime below please find a few “rules of thumb” to follow:

Head Coach Rich Rodriguez: it’s important to remember that “RichRod” (as the press likes to call him) is a complete noob when it comes to technology, and the o-line coach is his primary staffer that helps him in this area. This includes sending emails, playing videos (of either games or “The Lion King”), texting recruits, etc. This is your first and most important duty. Otherwise, generally stay out of his way at all times possible because RichRod’s temper is short and after losses he can be brutal to his assistants.

Fred Jonathan Jackson, Head Coach of the Backs Who Run Fast: theoretically, the offensive line is supposed to “open holes” for the kids that Fred Jackson coaches. So again, theoretically you work “under” Fred Jackson and he will constantly attempt to remind you of this “fact.” In reality, however, it’s the offensive coordinator that is in charge, and “Freddie Jack” is just a position coach like the rest of us. His (completely fabricated) title sounds grand and he likes to put on airs about how important (and FAST never forget FAST lol) his kids are, but remember Calvin runs the show. Politely ignore Freddie Jack and you’ll save yourself a lot of time and aggravation.

Calvin Magee, Offensive Coordinator: the director, the producer, the planner, the general, the Guy That Gets It Done. Seriously, do what he says and you’ll be fine.

Greg Robinson, Defensive Coordinator: rarely does anyone ever see Greg outside the locker room. Nobody knows what he does around here, except take lots of showers and stare at himself in the mirror. Besides, he’s on defense so you don’t need to worry about him.

Position Coaches: you’re one of us now, and just like the rest of us you’re basically responsible for actually doing what the coordinators deem to be a “good” thing. I’m in charge of receivers so I’m mainly focused on getting the skinny kids to catch and hold on to the damn ball. You should be mainly focused on keeping our freshman quarterbacks (coached by my buddy Rod Smith) from getting hit too much, and also keep them from committing too many penalties (BTW that reminds me you’re going to have to talk to Mark Ortmann, I’ll explain later).

See ‘ya,

Tony Dews
Receivers Coach
University of Michigan Football
“Do the Dew”

From: Jay Hopson (hopalong@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09 10:41 AM
To: Greg Robinson (pertandbouncy@michiganfootball.com)
Cc: Rich Rodriguez (hotrod@michiganfootball.com), Tony Gibson (tonyton1tone@michiganfootball.com), Bruce Tall (notshort@michiganfootball.com)
Subject: Re: Ideas?

Greg, can I be excused from the Purdue gameplanning? I’ve got this line on some really great safety recruits in Mississippi and Louisiana, and I think it would be better for the team long term if I focused on landing them. Keeping up with them on Facebook and Twitter and IMing them constantly is going to put me out of commission for the next couple weeks. Sorry!

Jay Hopson
Linebackers Coach
University of Michigan
“The South Will Rise Again”

From: Tony Gibson (tonyton1tone@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09 10:53 AM
To: Bruce Tall (notshort@michiganfootball.com), Mike Barwis (wolverinepiss@michiganfootball.com)
Cc:
Subject: NEW GAME, SAME SHIT

There goes another game and another weekend. How was it for you guys? I think I’m still drunk from last night. Speaking of which, Mike you are INSANE you are going to die young if you continue to drink that stuff! I mean, the urine of your pet wolves, srsly?

Surprise surprise, Jay is AWOL from the gameplanning…again. Southern recruits are like Lucy’s football to him, I wonder if he’ll ever learn. I’ve got a special “game video” for our 5 o clock “film session” today- this one has a cheerleader scene. I previewed it last night, gents you won’t be disappointed.

Tony

From: Mike Barwis (wolverinepiss@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09 11:02 AM
To: Tony Gibson (tonyton1tone@michiganfootball.com), Bruce Tall (notshort@michiganfootball.com)
Cc:
Subject: Re: NEW GAME, SAME SHIT

Tony, when are you going to learn that the URINE OF FERAL BEASTS is the key to eternal youth? Look at me- I’m 40 years old but I’ve got the body of a 25 year old. Do you think that happens NATURALLY? OF COURSE NOT- I have the fluid from “Sturm” and “Drang” to thank for that.

Looking forward to the video session. You might want to invite RichRod too- he loves cheerleaders.

MIKE BARWIS
STRENGTH AND CONDITIONING COORDINATOR
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN FOOTBALL
“PUT THAT CUPCAKE DOWN!”

From: Rich Rodriguez (hotrod@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09 11:25 AM
To: Greg Robinson (pertandbouncy@michiganfootball.com)
Cc:
Subject: Dixie dipshit

Greg, has there been any game that useless turd Jay has helped plan for? I’m tired of him conning us with these bible belt recruits that end up taking their official visits in fucking November and realize, correctly, that it’s cold in Michigan and no way are they coming here. He’s wasting his time, and have you seen our linebacker play? Honestly, if we don’t win Purdue I’m sending him on a one-way ticket to Biloxi.

Rich Rodriguez
Head Coach
University of Michigan Football
“Country roads take me home”

Auto-Reply From: Greg Robinson (pertandbouncy@michiganfootball.com) – 11/1/09 11:26 AM
To: Rich Rodriguez (hotrod@michiganfootball.com)
Cc:
Subject: Re: Dixie dipshit

Hello, if you’re getting this message then you’ve unfortunately caught me away from my desk. I assure you that your message is very important to me and I will address it as soon as possible.

In the meantime, here’s a handy haircare tip- did you know that alcohol-based hairspray products can damage roots and dry out the scalp? When styling one’s hair, be sure to use moisturizing gels. The more you know…

Thanks and Go Blue!

Greg Robinson
Defensive Coordinator
University of Michigan Football
“If You Don’t Look Good, We Don’t Look Good”

From: Ryan Mallett (gunforhire@pigsooeyfootball.com) – 11/1/09 11:59 AM
To: Rich Rodriguez (hotrod@michiganfootball.com)
Cc:
Subject: Re: Dixie dipshit

I’VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF DIPPING IN DIXIE IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, I MEAN “BANGING SOUTHERN SLUTS” IF YOU DIDN’T KNOW. I DO THIS ALL DAY LONG, TIME FOR LUNCH GOTTA FUEL UP FOR A LONG AFTERNOON OF THROWING TOUCHDOWNS AND A LONGER NIGHT OF BANGING DIXIE CHICKS.

YOU WISH YOU WERE ME,

RYAN

(To be continued?)

*This concept and a lot of the dialogue has been shamelessly ripped from this book. Media giants please don’t sue us.

An Open Letter to the Proletariat

chitownblue — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 14:29:43 +0000

Yesterday sucked.

Comrades, we know that you’re hurting, and we’d be lying if we said we weren’t hurting too. Did yesterday suck? Yes. Was it impossible to not be disappointed? Yes. Will I, personally, go as far as to say that it even partially shook my confidence in the course of this team? Yes.

The question, comrades, is what can be done? How can we make the pain go away, make it all better?

The answer, comrades, doesn’t lie in anger. The reaction of many is to chirp “Fire Rich Rod!” to their friends, bombard internet message boards with ALL CAPS posts declaring how such a performance is “UNACCEPTABLE”, complain how “this isn’t ‘Michigan Football’”, and the like. I don’t know about you comrades, but I’m a schlub middle-manager in Chicago who’s closest relationship to “influence” over the Athletic department or the Coaching Staff comes from being a depressingly frequent poster at MGoBlog and one proprietor of a blog that writes about football in faux-communist rhetoric. I don’t play golf with Mary Sue Coleman, and I don’t go sailing on Bill Martin’s yacht. All the impotent fist-pounding I feel like doing will only accomplish precisely one thing: nothing.

Most of us watch football as a diversion. Many of us work jobs that at least partially contain various duties and demands we’d rather not bother doing. In our off-time, we watch football – and for at least twelve weeks a year, Michigan football is a three-hour respite where we don’t have to do chores, work, insipid little duties for our employers. Your job pays you to put up with it’s bullshit – Michigan Football’s “payment” to you is that blessed window of time. If that, comrades, is now bringing you more pain than happiness – if you’re unable to put the game in the proper perspective that you need to inflict your frustration and vitriol on the general populace, I’d suggest that a serious revision of how you spend your Saturdays may be in order.

If Michigan football re-pays you with only anger and frustration, stop watching. You won’t be a “fair-weather fan”, because nobody is giving out merit-badges for this shit. Is Rich Rodriguez the right coach? Is the program moving in the right direction? We don’t know. We choose to believe it is, because hope, in our view, is a nobler belief than cynicism, even though it may not always be right.

We have no power in this – we’re merely passengers in a boat being steered by people too far away to hear us. We can scream “FIRE X!” or “BENCH Y!” into the abyss all we want, but the captain of this ship will continue, oblivious to anything we express. Our only options are to stay on the boat to see where it takes us, or get off it. We’re choosing to stay on the ride. Staying for the ride and hoping for Rodriguez’s demise is idiocy – how does Michigan Football benefit from his continued struggle? Another coaching change? Another transition? More transfers? NCAA sanctions due to APR hits? Someone trying to play power football with Martavious Odoms? The single best outcome for Michigan football from the point we’re currently at would be for Rodriguez to succeed. It’s for this that we choose to cheer.

If, comrades, you choose to remain for the ride, remember: the only people who can hear your cries of protest are those nearest you – and they’re equally as powerless as you are. If your prayers are answered, and the captain should change, the decision on who replaces him, and how he runs the program will again be made without your input. So before you hit “submit” on your screed at MLive or MGoBlog, and certainly before you pollute our blessed little tree-fort of Uniscorn with vitriolic nonsense, remember: you don’t need to be here – you don’t need to stay on this boat. As a matter of fact, those choosing to remaining would likely enjoy the ride more if you either left, or stopped making so much god-damned noise.

Eyes On The Prize

TK-421 — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 19:09:09 +0000

Early this morning I had a dream that I was on Jeopardy. I was going against Danny Bonaduce and one of the Kardashians, and since all the topics magically revolved around college football and those two are dumb as fucking rocks, I was kicking ass.

Then it was Final Jeopardy time. Alex Trebek offered the final clue:

David Molk

Junior Hemingway

Donovan Warren

Brandon Minor

Tate Forcier

Martavious Odoms

I responded with “what are ‘guys that when they limp make me piss my pants, suck on Krispy Kreme glazed fruit pies, and ponder the depth chart black magic powers of Mike Barwis?’, Alex” I was correct (obviously, since this is a dream and it’s all about me and my own negbanged thoughts). I won a trip to the Amalfi Coast and a consequence-free night with Kate Beckinsale and Rick Leach. Then I woke up to the first cold rain of the season for Charleston, and this all made sense.

Before the season began, 6-6 was the goal with Notre Dame offering the best opportunity to “jump up” to 7-5. Everything has gone according to plan, and with the bonus win over ND, 7-5 remains the goal. There is no magic bullet single offseason that can transform a bad defense into an iron curtain, nor can one or two true freshmen QBs transform a cartoonishly horrific offense into a shredder. Revolutions take time, and this is no exception.

The Penn State game sucked, no sugarcoat, and my entire family gets to shit all over my college choice for another year…again. More disturbingly, the Angry Michigan Turnover and Injury Gods are still around, and are still angry. But as we all kneejerk vicious rhetoric and “UNACCEPTABLE!!1!!” comments around in the wake of this miserable loss, the implications of the injuries should starkly remind us of the job RichRod has in front of him: since the beginning, this has been and still is a rebuilding job, and there is nothing quick or easy about that.

Ponder for a moment what this team looks like and how it will play down the stretch without: David Molk (which is now definite); a healthy Tate Forcier (definite); any kind of Tate Forcier (increasingly likely); a healthy Brandon Minor (definite); a healthy Martavious Odoms (probable); and a healthy Donovan Warren (after last year we’ll never know but still possible). And when you’re doing this pondering, remember that there is always the likelihood of new injuries happening down the stretch to any one of, say, Brandon Graham, Troy Woolfolk, Stevie Brown, David Moosman, Craig Roh, Carlos Brown, and oh god no more pondering plz. Just one or two more injuries, and doom will be impending us all.

True fact: this team has always been a few injuries away from catastrophe and some of those injuries have already happened. You cannot accept the veoracity of that statement without finally dismissing the absurd notion that RichRod was handed a “talented” team or a “full cupboard” or anything like that. So please stop talking about Georgia Tech- tailoring a moderately talented (albeit inexperienced) roster to suit your schemes only takes 1-2 seasons, while rebuilding a desperately thin, untalented, and inexperienced roster takes 3 or more seasons. Paul Johnson had the former, and Rich Rodriguez has the latter.

7-5 is the prize on which we must remain focused. It is the marker to show progress to fans, recruits, media, etc. Losing to Penn State sucks and essentially eliminates Michigan from any (delusional) hope of a Big Ten title, but the season-making/7-5 achieving games are still out there. The team still has much to play for.

These are the moments where good coaching and good fandom can help. When the kids fall down and the world throws dirt on them, it is the responsibility of the teacher to instruct them to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and go do it all over again. As fans, all we can do is support them through the process, hope that they have the right stuff to successfully respond, and most importantly enjoy watching this maturation process unfold before our very eyes.

Eyes on the prize, people. These kids are now shooting for 7-5, and it’s going to be a harrowing journey to get there. Get the fuck up and enjoy the ride.

Know Your Mascots: The Nittany Lion

chitownblue — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 15:34:50 +0000

Throughout college athletics, there are a number of rationales behind a school’s chosen mascot. Iowa co-opted the name from a defeated people, UC Santa Cruz arrived upon “Banana Slugs” seemingly in a drug-enduced haze, Indiana was just being obtuse, and Wolverines, you know, are fucking awesome. Some arrive at their names due to a lack of creativity – “Bears”? “Lions”? “Tigers”? “Bulldogs”? Wake us when it’s over.

Penn State, in an effort to stand out, refers to themselves as “The Nittany Lions”. What’s a Nittany Lion, you may ask? Simply, it is a Mountain Lion, like the ones that used to prowl nearby Mount Nittany. Like Iowa, Penn State decided to name itself after a population that settlers systematically wiped out over time – the only Nittany Lion presently in existence is made out of stone, and was once ritually vandalizedby their head coach’s wife. This forced all the bandos out of their WoW sessions and into the squinting sunlight to guard the statue during Homecoming Week. Intimidating.

Perhaps more interesting is how Mount Nittany got it’s name. Unsurprisingly, it, too, is co-opted from an extinct Indian population. Nitt-a-nee means “barrier against the wind”. The story, as they say, does not end there. Wikipedia spits knowledge in vaguely pornographic prose:

Nit-A-Nee, which means “barrier against the wind,” was an Indian maiden whose lover, Lion’s Paw, was killed…

Nit-A-Nee enfolded him into her arms and carried his still erect body back to a place in the center of the Valley where she laid the strong Brave in his grave and built a mound of honor over his strength.

On the last night of the full moon, after she had finally raised the last of the soil and stone over his high mound, a terrible storm came up unleashing itself with thunder and lightning and the wailing of a horrendous wind from the depths of the earth. Every Indian in the Valley shuddered and all eyes were directed to the Indian Brave’s high mound upon which the strong maiden Princess Nit-A-Nee was mounted with arms outstretched to touch the sources of the lightning bolts in the sky

Through the night they watched with awe as the Indian Brave’s burial mound grew and rose into a Mountain penetrating the center of the big valley between the two legs of the Tussey and Bald Eagle Ridges. When the dawn finally came, a huge Mountain was found standing erect in the center of the Valley.

A legend had been born. The mound and the maiden had given place to a Mountain, and standing on its summit was a Lion surrounded by eleven orphaned male cubs, each of whom had the courage of the fearless Indian Brave and the heart and strength of the mysterious Indian Princess. From this day forward every place in the valley was safe, and the wind wrested nothing from the fields on which these Lions strode as fearless heroes from the Mountain. The people of the Valley from that date forward knew only happiness and bounteous plenty.

In the fullness of time, men and women came from across the farthest seas to build a college at the foot of this Mountain. The strength and courage of the students of this college became known far and wide.

As each student learned the destructive power of the North Wind across the fields, each also learned the strength of the Princess known as “Breaker of the Wind,” called in her language Nit-A-Nee, and the courage unto death of the Indian Brave called Lion’s Paw.

As long as this strength and courage is known in the Valley, Mount Nittany will stand as a breaker of the wind.

This is the legend of Mount Nittany. May it stand forever high and strong in our midst, our breaker against the harsh winds of destiny and fate which sweep down from the north.

Man, that’s a lot mounting. Also, that explains why the location of the University is often referred to as “Happy Valley”, amirite? The Nittany Lion, friends, is simply a lion that lives on a giant metaphorical penis.

On Saturday, as the Penn State faithful come to Ann Arbor, we urge you, comrades to welcome with open arms those who live in the shadow of the giant, wind-breaking phallus – they are merely thankful that Mt. Nittany is not a volcano.

Pop Quiz, Penn State

chitownblue — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 20:03:54 +0000

In honor of our impending matchup with (We Own) Penn State, the WLA has compiled a brief quiz (complete with answer key!) to better inform the proletariat of the opponent we face this Saturday. In the following questions, please identify the item that does not belong from the given lists, and cite why.

Question 1:Miami, Oregon, Goergia Tech, Penn State, Virginia Tech, Oklahoma State, BYU, Houston

Answer: Penn State. Of the teams ranked comparably to Penn State (10-17 in the current BCS bowl rankings), Penn State is the only team lacking a victory over a ranked opponent. Penn State owns victories over two teams with winning records – Temple and Minnesota. Penn State current SOS is 92nd in the nation, second to last in the Big 10 (ahead of Northwestern), and one of the “winning teams” they’ve beaten, Temple, owns the 120th strongest schedule in football. The Nittany Paper LOLions ranking is largely mythical.

Question 2: Ohio State, Penn State, Michigan, Wisconsin

Answer:Penn State again! Penn State’s admission into the Big Ten was met with the widepsread assumption that Penn State would join Michigan and Ohio State, giving the Big Ten a third “powerhouse” program. Initially, that was true. Penn State rolled up a 79% winning percentage in their first eight years, besting OSU’s 78% and Michigan’s 77%, with all three schools ranking in Division I’stop ten. In the past ten years, Penn State’s winning percentage has fallen out of the top 25. While Ohio State has rolled up a 78% winning percentage, and Michigan a 72%, Penn State has only won 63% of their games, getting not only passed by Wisconsin, but lapped, as the Badgers won 70% of their games. Over the past ten years, Penn State has been a mid-conference team bringing “depth” to the middle of the standings, not buffering the top level.

Question 3: The Tuck Rule, The Steelers/Lions Coin-flip, Colorado’s 5th down, The Hand of God, the 2002 Michigan/PSU game.

Answer: Again, Penn State! The Nittany faithful have caterwauled about this game for the past seven years, claiming referee conspiracy. PSU fans complain that Tony Johnson’s sideline drop was actually a catch – ignoring his questionable possession, the fact that they had been granted a completely BS call on a catch the on the prior third down, and, you know – PSU IS IN THE BIG TEN TOO. This game sparked a near annual tradition of Nittany Lion fans chalking up every single one of their ten consecutive losses to some niggling referee error, rather than reach acceptance of their mediocrity. You’re a hair’s breadth from becoming Notre Dame fans, LOLions. Tread carefully. This isn’t Versailles, and you aren’t German – there was no miscarriage of justice.

Question 4: Jim Tressel, Brett Bielma, Bill Lynch, Joe Paterno, Rich Rodriguez, Mark Dantonio, Kirk Ferentz, Pat Fitzgerald, Ron Zook (sort of), Tim Brewster, Danny Hope, Tom Bradley/Galen Hall

Answer: Joe Paterno. The others are Big Ten Head Football coaches. In this innocuous article from ESPN Paterno details the perks to “coaching” from the press box, like free coffee…and he can even watch TV! Paterno is almost never seen with a headset, so he can speak to other coaches (especially those in the press box), never carries around playsheets, and frequently seems surprised by his own team’s playcalls (given the amount of yelling he does at assistants). All the while, Tom Bradley and Galen Hall are cuckolded, watching the grand press orgy about the greatness of Paterno every time Penn State crushes a cupcake through the hardwork (and coaching) of his two most senior assistants.

Question 5: Joe Paterno, Jesus, ErocWolverine, Gahndi

Answer: Joe Paterno, while all four of the above believe they have the strengthto speak truth to power (or the interwebs), Paterno is misguided in the belief. While Jesus, Eroc, and Gahndi have stoicly suffered the slings and arrows of their beliefs with dignity, Paterno becomes a conspiracy theorist – wondering why three referees born in Michigan are allowed to call his game against the Wolverines, suggested that the game wasn’t won on the field, and chased a referee down the sideline as time expired against Iowa. At least Charlie Weis has the decency to preface his excuses with “I’m not going to make excuses…”. I’d say that calling refereeing into question while you’ve been the recipient of benefical calls in games refereed by one of your own player’s father isn’t really brave – it’s just ignorant.

Grade your tests yourselves, and sent all completed exams to wolverineliberationarmy@gmail.com. All winners get 10,000 WLA points.