1. Osama Bin Laden winters in Iowa City

In his most recent tape aired on Al-Jazeera Osama Bin Laden let loose a few nuggets of information about where he’s been hiding since he became Public Enemy No. 1. The most pertinent of information came as no surprise to the western world, Osama Bin Laden has a place in downtown Iowa City. Now, I’m not linking the city to terrorism. That wouldn’t be right. Iowa City is home to some of the most rabidly patriotic people on the planet. Big Bin Daddy, as he is known throughout the Iowa club scene, just likes the nightlife. And for that we can’t blame him. Who could resist the trappings and extravagances of America’s Breadbasket? From what I hear he plays a mean 4 Square and loves spare ribs. Go figure.

2. Wizard of Oz was filmed on Iowa’s campus

The most fabricated cinematic myth to come out of Hollywood is that Natalie Wood drowned in a yachting accident. She actually lives in Punta Gorda, Florida with her seven cats and a blind dwarf named Mitzi. The second most fabricated myth is that The Wizard of Oz is based on a book by L. Frank Baum. The truth of the matter is that the movie is the story of the formation of the University of Iowa. See the Scarecrow is Gene Wilder, and Dorothy is Tennessee Williams. Wait, maybe I have that backwards. Anyways the Emerald City is the Old Capitol Building. That much I know.

3. Kurt Vonnegut hated Iowa

Kurt Vonnegut didn’t drink because he was an alcoholic. He drank because he was in Iowa City. I mean can you blame him? Any city that Osama Bin Laden would find hospitable would have to infuriate any great American. And never has such a patriot as Kurt Vonnegut existed. Vonnegut once ran across the country naked with the words “Live Free or Die” written on his back in blue and red Sharpie. The “Die” part was written in magic marker to simulate white, but since he wouldn’t let anyone close enough to color over it the whole of America was left with a serious question to ponder. Rumor has it his last work was to be a treatise on the Declaration of Independence entitled, “We Hold These Truths to Be Self Evident – Or, Ruminations on One Bitchin’ Nation.” He was also sour because the administration failed to meet his demands to be paid in virgin coeds.

4. brokeNCYDE was formed outside of Kinnick Stadium

If you look at brokeNCYDE’s Wikipedia page you will notice that it says they were formed in New Mexico. Thankfully we can’t trust Wikipedia for truths on anything. Wikipedia spreads lies like “Americans landed on the moon” and “Thomas the tank engine is not a real tank engine.” I mean, how can Thomas the Tank Engine not be real? He’s on TV and Ringo Starr was there. Is Wikipedia claiming that both  TV and Ringo Starr are liars? I mean, I can see the Ringo Starr part, but TV too? Wikipedia has gone too far.  That would be like saying the government, and history books and our parents have lied to us. If Wikipedia calls my mom a liar one more time I’m going to kick it in the knees until subluxation kicks in. I can’t wait until Santa comes this year. Can you? I thought not.

Anyways, brokeNCYDE was actually formed in a back alley right across the street from Kinnick Stadium. You can Google Earth it and everything. They came up with their “Crunkcore” idea while listening to the crowd’s reactions to various happenings in the stadium. For instance, their hit “FreaXX” was inspired by the crowd’s reaction to when they announce Kirk Ferentz before games. Iowans, much like Mary Sue Coleman, go nuts for some Ferentz. Thankfully for us brokeNCYDE have spread their message to the rest of the world. If they went on tour with ICP and Slipknot the Pope would probably cry with glee.

5. Iowa’s colors are Black and Yellow not Black and Gold.

I’m not an artistic guy. But, despite my lack of training in the arts, I’m also not colorblind. In fact, I’m SO not color blind, that I can spell it “colour” and not look like some sort of British douche bag. So why would Iowa try and pull the wool over my eyes and tell me that their school colors are black and gold? No, you shouldn’t answer this in the form of a question.

Here’s a lesson on color:

Overrated Gold

Fantasy Football Gold

I AIN'T GETTIN' ON NO PLANE GOLD!

CLEARLY NOT GOLD!

Personally I blame marginally funny Iowa blog Black Heart Gold Pants for perpetrating this myth. I mean “Pink Locker Rooms, Pants of Yellow” just doesn’t have the same ring to it. So I can see why they would try and tell the world, no, the cosmos, that their pants are gold. The fact of matter is Iowa’s pants are the same color of my pee when I haven’t been drinking enough water. And if I was pissing gold do you think I’d be back in school? Hell no, I’d be buying an island and importing a perfectly tanned Polish goddess to my tropical paradise.

So there you go, now you can travel with the relative comfort of knowing something about the population you are about to mingle with. They are hard-working, loveable people who have a penchant for Tubgirlesque sex antics. But that’s an entirely different post. Go forth in the name of Michigan, and watch your fingers, they bite.

I did something early on Saturday that I rarely do, and I’m not proud. I must confess my Crimes to the Revolution: I texted several Sparty fans with less than encouraging words in defeat.

It was a cheap revenge for Appalachian State. A projection of my own inner Michigan Man angst and superiority complex onto people in a time of great sadness. It was, in all honesty, a cheap shot.

Because I was obviously the most important concern of the Fates that day, it was almost guaranteed that Tate Forcier and Michigan would not pull this comeback off. The timing was too perfect. By fore-saking the ideals of fandom we hold dear here, I had brought upon the defeat of the Revolution.

Forever in my own mind there would be the guilt that I’d ruined the man we’d all fought so hard for. I would have to commit football suicide, leave behind Michigan, and cast my lot as bitter, unbiased observer. Six figure paychecks from ESPN to rail on the darling of the week and generate “debate” while flinging feces balls called opinions at the camera would console me, but Michigan would be dead to me. After months of preaching, I’d broken my own laws. I’d gone to battle for Rich Rod and the Revolution, and turned my back when I had the chance to prove my loyalty. Unacceptable.

This was the litmus test of the Revolution. A loss here wouldn’t kill the cause immediately, but the repercussions would be long. Michigan might recover, but coming so close might hinder progress. Once you start falling behind, it’s hard to get going in the right direction again. A win boosts the program up a level. A signature win of the Revolution to point at, providing vast debate capital.

I guess there wasn’t any need to be nervous, as our freshman savior might say. This is New Michigan, and New Michigan apparently wins these games (for now…).

Tate Forcier possesses a charming, insecure self-confidence. Behind his bold proclamations you hear an attempt to convince himself he’s exactly as good as he says he is. He goes into detail explaining how he scored a TD instead of praising God and his teammates and moving along. That’s understandable – he’s new to this situation.

I’m not trying to knock him. When comparing the two QBs, I always thought Denard owned the SWAG line. Maybe Tate’s the guy. If Saturday is anything like his future, the rest of the country is going to loathe the name Tate Forcier. A cocky, smug at times, and very good QB running the offense at a resurgent Michigan? He’ll be inescapable. Instead of hating Michigan for being boring and getting blown out in the Rose Bowl, the rest of the country will hate Michigan because of that little prick running the offense and kicking ass. I love it.

There were a few threads scattered about the intewebs last week that wondered “what happened to Martavious Odoms”. There were also some spectacularly assholish posts in the off-season that tried to bring him down.

You want to talk about swag? How about this little dreadlocked demon coming up with two massive catches during the drive? He gets absolutely clocked on the first one, but pops up and heads right back to the huddle. Did I mention he might be our best blocking WR? Odoms is legit, yo. Recognize.

Tay, as I affectionately call the guy I have never met in my life and would likely laugh at my ridiculously cornbread style, emerged as perhaps my favorite player on the team last year. Something about a scrappy little dude with dreads and top end speed makes my motor turn, mostly because he makes me think of Da U transplanted to Ann Arbor. That’s a long time fantasy of mine.

Does that mean I want a bunch of “thugs” running roughshod over the Big Ten and shooting each other in the streets? Nah. But I do enjoy watching angry, dedicated young men PUT THEIR HEART IN THIS SHIT and stomp some people with a vicious streak that makes the old folks a little uncomfortable.

Odoms is a tough bastard. His catches weren’t routine on that final drive. He dug in for a low pass, had a ND defensive back dry humping him like the Black Eyed Peas were playing and they were at a Junior High lock-in, and oh yeah you’re down 34-31 to ND with under a minute left. No sweat. That is some phenomenal, grade A SWAG – playing a relatively quiet game, a quiet season, and then bringing the playmakin’ in the biggest drive of your young Michigan career.

Now unfortunately,  the outstretched hands of a ND defender weakly tipping a pass meant for LaTerryal Savoy robbed him of a well earned shot at Wolverine immortality. The ball bounced off his leg, fell to the ground, and a lot of people lost hope. I wasn’t in control of my mental faculties anymore, so I don’t even know if I lost hope. I certainly lost control of my bowels.

What a lot of people are going to forget, but is forever immortalized in the unbiased black and white of the play by play, is that Savoy caught the two previous passes that set up his oh-so-close touchdown.

Helped by the confident maneuvering of Forcier in the pocket and the sledgehammer blocking of Minor and the offensive line, Savoy had gotten open long enough to bring Michigan from FG prayer to 3 shot at the end zone – certainly a significant difference.

Life is cruel, and Savoy just didn’t get that score. He’s relegated to the backburner because now Greg Mathews is the hero (as much of a hero as one can be when compared to our new Lord and Savior Forcier, the Tebow of the North) and there’s nothing he can do about it.

Yeah, that Greg Mathews. The guy I actually somehow almost forgot was on the team when they mentioned him at the start. Me? Drinking? Never ….

Remember just a few days ago when Greg was Suspect #1 for “current player sources” in The Story? Yeah, I mean, I agreed with that theory … turns out it’s probably not true. I doubt he’d still be around, and I don’t even more he’d be busting his ass to make his cut and get open for long enough that Boy Wonder could deliver him the ball in the corner of the field for the winner.

When I watch, re-watch, slow down, watch again, and watch that final TD some more, I see a guy running aimlessly through the end zone because he was probably in the same mental state I was – shaking, screaming, confused, a little frightened, and about to collapse from pure excitement.

Ah, the duality of life.

At least it turns out the Universe isn’t out to screw me so much as I’m a narcissistic paranoid bastard. Good to know for future reference.