The Smoke of the Chimneys is the breath of the Wolverines

Today, Comrades, we come to you to remind you of the oft-told story of Joseph Stalin. Facing a domestic industrial complex ravaged by the Russian Civil War, Stalin embarked on a program of forced, brutal industrialization. Over the course of nine years, the nation’s coal output (which fueled their manufacturing) more than tripled, employment sky-rocketed, the population’s education level grew exponentially, and vast manufacturing plans began to dot the landscape in Moscow, Gorky, Stalingrad, and Cheliablinsk. Investment in higher education grew vastly, as the Soviet nation refused to rely on foreign help in their technological advances.

This program wasn’t without its costs – minors often needed to work 16 hours a day to meet quotas (failure to do so could result in a charge of treason), safety wasn’t even a minor concern, and the reallocation of resources from farming to industry sparked a devastating famine.

However, the enormous advances in technology and industrial output placed the USSR in a position to meet the evil (-er?) threat looming on its border – Nazi Germany. Without the scientific advances and industrial capacity achieved during this time, a largely agrarian Soviet Union would have been in a similar position as Poland – attempting to repel the German tanks brigades from horseback.

Comrades, the Rodriguez regime is following closely in these footsteps. Facing a program increasingly plagued by poor player development, significant attrition, and hindered by over-confidence against inferior competition, Rodriguez revolted. Those fearful to do the work fled the regime to find cozier environs (Justin Boren) or extra-large pizzas (Alex Mitchell). Those who failed to meet expectations were banished (Jason Kates, Zion Babb, Carson Butler, Marques Slocum), and those who remained toiled under a demanding task-master, feverishly working to learn radically new ways of doing every day things – from exercising to running new plays. The final goal of the Rodriguez and Stalin regime is the same: to grow the strength to face the looming evil empire on our border.

As with Stalin’s change, this growth was painful – players toiled in a system that some were not suited for, some not familiar with, and some at positions they had never played. Could Rodriguez have handled this change better? Could he have made the transition smoother? Today, glorious proletariat, we recap the performance of the Rodriguez regime to date, as rated in Molotovs – Stalin’s trusty right-hand man!

Getting buy-in from the existing team

The first challenge that all new coaches face is to convince a team full of players they don’t know, who didn’t choose to play for them to follow their guidance on the football field. Rodriguez initially started off with several bumps in this regard – the highly-touted Ryan Mallett fled, taking virtually all of Michigan’s quarterback experience with him. Mario Manningham and Adrian Arrington both bolted to the NFL rather than play in a seemingly run-oriented attack. Starting guard Justin Boren, bitter over Rodriguez’s snub of his brother, defected to Ohio State. Alex Mitchell, faced with the choice to diet and run his ass off for Commisar Barwis, or to eat a daily sugar-coated stick of butter, chose corpulence. Throughout the season, other players dropped out for a variety of reasons – Slocum couldn’t remain eligible, Carson Butler couldn’t keep his fists at his side, Sam McGuffie missed home, and Jason Kates, Zion Babb, and Avery Horn decided that the grueling Barwis sessions weren’t worth if it if they were never going to see the field.

Grade: 4 Molotovs. The loss of Kates, Babb, Horn, Butler, and Mitchell are symbolic of the purging of much of what was wrong under the Carr regime’s later years – these players may have been able loaf through their career previously, but no longer. Rodriguez may have been able to better accommodate the receivers, McGuffie, Mallett, and Boren. However, Mallett was widely rumored to be on the docile Carr’s last nerve, and Boren’s outrage was essentially based on Rodriguez’s refusal to partake in nepotism. In the Revolution, comrades, the power resides in the people – benefits are not given to some merely because of bloodlines.

Assembling a staff

Rodriguez, understandably, brought in most of his highly-successful coaching staff from West Virginia. Some cried nepotism, but this was nothing more than choosing to work with people with whom he had previously enjoyed great success. Two new coaches joined the fold – linebacker coach Jay Hopson, and defensive coordinator Scott Shafer.

Grade: 2 Molotovs. Rodriguez didn’t have to make many decisions here, and the two he did make failed to varying degrees. Hopson continues to be spoken of well, but coached what was likely the weakest portion of the entire defense, despite having two extremely gifted athletes (Obi Ezeh, Jonas Mouton). Further, Hopson seemed to continually fail at putting his best players on the field – starting the season with Marrell Evans and Austin Panter in the starting lineup, and later replacing John Thompson with, essentially, Safety Brendan Harrison. While we’re of the opinion that Shafer unjustifiably shouldered the blame for the defense’s poor performance, one extremely obvious thing stood out: Rodriguez hired a coordinator with whom he was uncomfortable, and one in whom he had little faith or trust to solve the unit’s problems. The blame for that is on Rodriguez.

Developing players

One frequent criticism of the later years of Carr’s regime was that elite players left untapped potential behind (particularly on the offensive line) and that fitness levels were, to put it kindly, dwindling.

Grade: 4 Molotovs. Between the defection of Justin Boren, Mitchell’s abdication to corpulence, Zirbel’s career-ending knee injury, and the earlier losses of Brett Gallimore and Justin Schifano, Michigan lost an entire line full of elite offensive line prospects. What remained was young, small, and nearly completely inexperienced. The never-ending shuffle along the line found a defensive-tackle starting two weeks after switching positions. However, something interesting happened – by the end of the year, the offensive line actually began to play well – Michigan’s running game over the final half of the season was among the top four in the conference. Brandon Minor emerged to be exponentially more dangerous than he had shown in previous seasons, and Jonas Mouton finally shed the “disappointing” tag. The only things that prevent the rating from being higher are the somewhat disappointing season from an injured Donovan Warren and the continued mediocrity of Obi Ezeh.

Recruiting

Michigan’s perch atop the recruiting evaluations has been secure since the inception of Rivals and Scout, but Rodriguez has a long history of working with two and three-star recruits at West Virginia.

Grade: 5 Molotovs. Rodriguez, thus far, cannot possibly have done a better job recruiting. He rounded out Carr’s strong 2008 class with a bevy of highly-praised players (Roy Roundtree, Ricky Barnum, Michael Shaw) and added a handful of lower-ranked players who have demonstrated great potential (Odoms, Omameh). The 2009 class, despite being put together in the midst of a 3-9 season, again achieved top-10 status, and Rodriguez again added a bevy of elite talent in the final moments – Denard Robinson, Quentin Washington, and Je’Ron Stokes. This year, the recruits are not as universally praised, but this is attributable more to 3-9, than to the staff’s acumen as recruiters. Even so, Ricardo Miller, Marvin Robinson, Devin Gardner, and Jerald Robinson are consensus impact players.

To be continued…

We present to you, our Very Mostest Critical Recruits By Class:  Part II  (2015 – 2019) (Link to Part I)

Recruiting Class – 2015 (6th Grade):  Amaguq “The Wolf” Harper (OLB / 5’3″ / 86 lbs / 6.20-40 / Nome (Nome-Beltz Junior High School), AK)

A fast pursuer and tenacious tackler with a near mythical ability to shed blockers and bring down opponents.  Tackling ability has been honed by chasing and subduing young caribou on the Alaskan tundra.  Amaguq is a decedent of Inuits, and his recruitment will offer Michigan a means to offset the Samoans being recruited by USC and the Pac-10 schools.  A great teammate and locker room guy with a flair for practical jokes.  Also, a favorite of Mike Barwis.

YMRMFSPATGIYAAOAJM*: Troy Polamalu (USC, Paul Mitchell Hair Care Products)

Coach’s take: Wolf both FERAL and also good keep coach WARM at beddy-bye.

Saturday Afternoon

Saturday Night

Recruiting Class – 2016 (5th Grade):  Shinobi “Silent Death” Ito (Slot Receiver / 4’7″ / 73 lbs / 6.12-40 / Koka, Japan)

While lacking experience in football, Shinobi is a master in the Japanese martial art of ninjutsu.  Quiet, agile, sneaky and lightning fast, Shinobi represents the ultimate weapon out of the slot receiver position.  Additionally, he is extremely stylish decked out in all black.  There are potential pitfalls to signing Mr. Ito as he may have legal issues with the numerous deaths that are likely to occur in his presence, his tendency to “disappear” for periods of time while he is decimating the opposition’s special teams units by slicing the ligaments in the back of their knees, and the difficulty in interviewing him as he refuses to speak.

YMRMFSPATGIYAAOAJM: Antonio Bass (Michigan) (The king of stealth — tell me how many times you actually saw him?)

Coach’s take: ACTUAL NINJA playing NINJA FOOTBALL make good IRONY.  Like meeting MAN of DREAMS AND BEAUTIFUL WIFE.

New Adidas Uniforms?

Recruiting Class – 2017 (4th Grade):  Rhett Rodriguez (QB / 4’8″ / 90 lbs / 7.07-40 / Saline (Harvest Elementary School), MI)

Projected to be a three year starter for Saline High School with a great mind for the game, but a surprising lack of physical tools with an overall record of 18-12.  The young man makes up for his lack of arm strength and top end speed with grit, determination, and… grit.  The son of Rich Rodriguez is a surprisingly important recruit given his 2* guru ratings, as the idea of him signing with in-state rivals Michigan State or Eastern Michigan would provide far too much material for Drew Sharp, Jr. and Michelle Albom to imply a lack of “family values.”  He will likely be a preferred walk-on, aided by the fact that as a child of a University employee, he gets reduced tuition rates and will become the best coaches son QB at Michigan behind Jason Carr.

YMRMFSPATGIYAAOAJM: Nick Sheridan (Michigan, Walk-on QB from Saline, Death Kitten)

Coach’s take: Coach Rodriguez pass on good GENES for FOOTBALL and MALE PATTERN BALDNESS.

This Can All Be Yours, My Son

Recruiting Class – 2018 (3rd Grade):  One’Keese and Tu’Keese Richardson (CB / 4’7″ / 55 lbs / 6.21-40 / Pahokee (Pahokee Elementary School), FL)

The younger cousins of 2009 Tennesse recruit WR Nu’Keese Richardson.  The twins possess unparalleled speed and work ethic among the 2018 recruits.  This has been demonstrated by their adherence to a Barwis designed workout regiment handed down to them by the original Pahokee-to-Ann Arbor pipeline members, Martavious Odoms, Vincent Smith and Brandin Hawthorne.  The recruiting battle is thought to include Michigan, Florida and USC.  Even though it has been eight years since Lane Kiffin was fired at Tennessee, no UT coaches are allowed to recruit at Pahokee because as stated by Pahokee Head Football Coach, Blaze Thompson “If they were dumb enough to hire Kiffin, the next guy can’t be any better.”  Should Coach Rodriguez win this recruiting battle, we at the WLA look forward to the inevitably stupid arguments put forth by some blog commentors along the lines of “with two lock down corners, each takng away half of the field, no one will be able to pass on us!!!!11!!1″

YMRMFSPATGIYAAOAJM: one is Deion Sanders and the other is Charles Woodson, but we can’t tell them apart (Florida State / Michigan / Twins )

Coach’s take:  TWINS movie stars not only ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, but also DANNY DEVITO.  YAKETY YAK, no E-TALK back.

Twins

Recruiting Class – 2019 (2nd Grade):  Titia Ninkovich (DE / 4’5″ / 69 lbs / 7.93-40 / Ulyanovsk, Russia)

The only child of Vladimir Kerplinko, a potato farmer in the rural area surrounding Ulyanovsk, Russia.  Titia’s mother, Nadia, died during child birth leaving the hard working farmer Vladimir with no sons to aid in his labor on the farm.  As a result, Titia has become her father’s farm hand.  The exhausting labor of manually picking potatoes has not only developed Titia’s powerful core, but also taught her how to keep her pad level low, causing her to be an unstoppable force coming off of the edge.  Tatia wishes to study in the US to learn to enhance the notoriously low potato crop yields of her father’s farm and the other farms in the central Volga River Valley.  The schools aggressively recruiting the young DE are OSU, MSU, Illinois and Idaho.   Each school possesses a significant agricultural school and is offering to house her mule, Pavel, thus placing Michigan at a disadvantage.  Also of great importance to the Revolution, Titia shares a hometown with Vladimir Ulyanov, better known as Lenin.

YMRMFSPATGIYAAOAJM: Craig Roh (Michigan, Pad Level)

Coach’s Take:  Ideal woman need LOVER’S TOUCH AND be built like BRICK SHIT HOUSE.

Pad Level, Pad Level, Pad Level!!

* YMRMFSPATGIYAAOAJM == You May Remember Me From Such Players As This Guy If You Are As Old As Jamie Mac

We present to you, our Very Mostest Critical Recruits By Class:  Part I  (2010 – 2014)

Recruiting Class – 2010 (Junior):  Devin Gardner (Dual Threat QB / 6’4″ / 196 lbs / 4.63-40 / Inkster (Inkster High School), MI)

Possibly the #1 rated QB recruit in the 2010 class, Devin has been compared to Vince Young as they share a similar build and athleticism.  And Devin favors the #10, just as Vince did at Texas.  What makes this recruit very important is that Michigan needs to continue the recent trend of only starting freshman QBs.  With Steven Threet leaving after starting as a freshman, one must assume that The Tate or Shoelace Robinson, whoever has the most experience, will leave following the season, requiring a new freshman to plug into the offense.  Mr. Gardner, the role is yours for 2010.

YMRMFSPATGIYAAOAJM*:  Vince Young (Texas, Dr. Phil)

Coach’s Take: My epinion that Devin Gardner not just GOOD passer, also good RUNNER.

Top End Speediness

Recruiting Class – 2011 (Sophomore):  Susie MacPherson (Supermodel / 5’10″ / 112 lbs / 5.92-40 / Sydney (Dulwich High School of Visual Arts & Design), Australia)

Everyone has been wringing their hands over the issues in the defensive backfield and Michigan’s need to fill those holes, including the pending graduation of Donovan Warren, but that fails to observe what is really important — keeping the recruits already in the program.  Susie is widely known as the beautiful niece of former supermodel Elle MacPherson and she is looking to attend university in the States.  By signing Susie, the possibility of losing either Tate Forcier (aka White Jesus or The Tate), Denard Robinson (aka Shoelaces) or hopefully Devin Gardner (aka VY 2.0) to the transfer fairy that stole Steven Threet from us, we will be greatly reduced.

YMRMFSPATGIYAAOAJM:  Elle “The Body” MacPherson (Sports Illustrated, Young Boys’ Dreams)

Coach’s Take:  Susie not just MALE but also FEMALE.

Auntie Elle

Recruiting Class – 2012 (Freshman):  Chris Spielman, Jr. (MLB / 5’11″ / 169 lbs / 5.17-40 / Dublin (Dublin Scioto High School), OH)

The oldest son of four time NFL Pro Bowl and former OSU linebacker Chris Spielman, is widely expected to be among the most sought after recruits in the 2012 class.  Seeking to following in his father’s footsteps into the national conscience through modeling opportunities for consumer products (the NFL is his fall back option to fame).  The recruiting battle between OSU and Michigan will be intense.  Michigan will need to better the offer Tressel has put forward of having young Chris’ face grace the Seagrams’ Wine Coolers container.

YMRMFSPATGIYAAOAJM:  Chris Spielman (Ohio State, Wheaties)

Coach’s Take: Spielman not only have GOOD motor, but also PRETTY face.

Wheaties + Spielman = The Original Buckstache

Recruiting Class – 2013 (8th Grade):  Frobozz Tamoshanter (Long Snapper / 5’5″ / 272 lbs / 7.62-40 / Kalkaska (Cherry Street Intermediate School), MI)

After four years of producing top 10 national recruiting classes, but likely losing the in-state battle to MSU, Rich Rodriguez will finally say, “fuck it” and decide that he needs to sign 24 recruits all from the state of Michigan.  Unfortunately, there are only 23 kids even worth considering for D-1A or D-1AA scholarships.  But having made his intentions known to the local media, he will stick with his commitment and target Frobozz, currently an eighth-grader.  The downside: there will be a huge hole in the roster comprised of this compromised class.  The upside: MSU will have no players available for them to sign and MGoBrian will have no problem Google stalking Frobozz (unfortunately, the local news articles are more likely to discuss his success in the local fishing tourney and hunting kills than his on field accomplishments).

YMRMFSPATGIYAAOAJM:  George Morales (Michigan, Big Ten Burrito)

Coach’s Take: Rich Rodriguez need recruit not just WAYNE COUNTY, but whole STATE OF MICHIGAN.  Tamoshanter good NAME and RAKISH HAT.

Recruiting Class – 2014 (7th Grade):  Michael Mathers (RB / 5’1″ / 96 lbs / 6.11-40 / Detroit (Munger Middle School), MI)

Young Michael can regularly been seen running along the curbs of his street, executing perfect flips over the mailboxes and fire hydrants in his neighborhood, or dropping a fresh set of misogynistic lyrics to a random beat.  But can you fault the kid?  He’s been driven to limits of sanity by multiple head injuries and a bat shit crazy girl in his home room class named Kim.  His interests outside of football include urban music and digital video, as he dreams of seeing his explosive runs and explicit celebratory lyrics captured on You Tube.

YMRMFSPATGIYAAOAJM: Sam McGuffie (Michigan, Rice, Michigan Medial Center)

Coach’s take: Mathers not only SLIM but ALSO shady.

OMG Shirtless!!

* YMRMFSPATGIYAAOAJM == You May Remember Me From Such Players As This Guy If You Are As Old As Jamie Mac