WLA: Good morning coach.

CMD: Good morning to you.  No pun intended.

WLA: So, most of us know you as the most succesful football coach at Michigan State since John L. Smith, but few of us know about your love of stand up comedy.  Tell us a little bit about that.

CMD: Of course.  You’ve probably heard of Miami University being referred to as “The Cradle of Coaches?”  Well, I grew up in Zanesville, Ohio, which is also known as “The Cradle of Comedy.”  So, it’s kind of impossible not to love stand up, being from there.  As a young man, I’d ply my trade with the “Zanesville Zanies” improv group.  It was just really funny and hilarious.

WLA: What kind of comedy do you do during your sets?

CMD: I do a lot of observational humor.  ”What’s the deal with little brothers?  If they’re physically taller than you, then can they really be your little brother?”  Hilarious stuff like that. [stares straight forward angrily]

WLA: What about impressions?

CMD: I do impressions.  Bobby Knight, Barry Bonds, Bill Belichick.

WLA: Could you do one right now?

CMD: Sure.  Here’s some Nick Saban.  ”Hi, I’m Nick Saban.  I stole Mark Ingram away from Michigan State by funneling several thousand dollars to him through a booster.  I keep my players eligible via academic fraud.  One I got liquored up on rumple minze at a coach’s convention in Orlando and sucker punched Mark Dantonio.  I’m Nick Saban.” [shaking, visibly]

WLA: That’s pretty good.

CMD: I practice that one everyday in front of the mirror.  Sometimes in the nude.

WLA: So, are you doing any sets any time soon?

CMD: I’ve just signed a contract to do some sets throughout the state.  I’ll start in Mt. Pleasant, cruise over to Kalamazoo and then hit Ypsilanti on my way back to East Lansing.

WLA: Nothing in other states?

CMD: I like to focus on Michigan.  As you know, if you’re building a winning national comedy program, you’ve got to lock down the homebase and not get caught up in going to places like New York or Chicago or LA.  Dave Coulier was from Michigan and he’s pretty much the best stand up comic ever.

WLA: You’ve had some success lately in Detroit.

CMD: Well, yeah.  I kind of do a Dantonio’s Comedy Jam when I’m down there.  Wassup, wassup D-Town, Coach Diggety Dan in the hizzie.

WLA: And it says here you’re going to be playing the Laff Haus in Frankenmuth on Sunday.

CMD: Yes, come for the chicken, stay for the hilarious jokes that I will be telling.  And apple strudel. [stares straight forward angrily]

WLA: We’re just about out of time, so just a couple more questions.  What’s your favorite joke you ever told.

CMD: Remember that one about Mike Hart being short?  Pure gold, Jerry.  Pure gold. [pounds fist against table]

WLA: Is there one joke you’d like to leave us with?

CMD: Sure.  You know how to do a knock knock joke?

WLA: Ummm, yeah.

CMD: OK.  Knock, knock.

WLA: Who’s there?

CMD: Pride comes before the fall.

WLA: Pride comes before the fall, who?

CMD: Pride comes before the fall and a new defensive coordinator comes before the spring.  YOU FUCKIN’ LISTENING NARDUZZI?

Well, on that note, we’d like to thank “Chuckles” for joining us and wish him good look with his stand up work.

WLA: Good morning coach.

CMD: Good morning to you.  No pun intended.

WLA: So, most of us know you as the most succesful football coach at Michigan State since John L. Smith, but few of us know about your love of stand up comedy.  Tell us a little bit about that.

CMD: Of course.  You’ve probably heard of Miami University being referred to as “The Cradle of Coaches?”  Well, I grew up in Zanesville, Ohio, which is also known as “The Cradle of Comedy.”  So, it’s kind of impossible not to love stand up, being from there.  As a young man, I’d ply my trade with the “Zanesville Zanies” improv group.  It was just really funny and hilarious.

WLA: What kind of comedy do you do during your sets?

CMD: I do a lot of observational humor.  ”What’s the deal with little brothers?  If they’re physically taller than you, then can they really be your little brother?”  Hilarious stuff like that. [stares straight forward angrily]

WLA: What about impressions?

CMD: I do impressions.  Bobby Knight, Barry Bonds, Bill Belichick.

WLA: Could you do one right now?

CMD: Sure.  Here’s some Nick Saban.  ”Hi, I’m Nick Saban.  I stole Mark Ingram away from Michigan State by funneling several thousand dollars to him through a booster.  I keep my players eligible via academic fraud.  One I got liquored up on rumple minze at a coach’s convention in Orlando and sucker punched Mark Dantonio.  I’m Nick Saban.” [shaking, visibly]

WLA: That’s pretty good.

CMD: I practice that one everyday in front of the mirror.  Sometimes in the nude.

WLA: So, are you doing any sets any time soon?

CMD: I’ve just signed a contract to do some sets throughout the state.  I’ll start in Mt. Pleasant, cruise over to Kalamazoo and then hit Ypsilanti on my way back to East Lansing.

WLA: Nothing in other states?

CMD: I like to focus on Michigan.  As you know, if you’re building a winning national comedy program, you’ve got to lock down the homebase and not get caught up in going to places like New York or Chicago or LA.  Dave Coulier was from Michigan and he’s pretty much the best stand up comic ever.

WLA: You’ve had some success lately in Detroit.

CMD: Well, yeah.  I kind of do a Dantonio’s Comedy Jam when I’m down there.  Wassup, wassup D-Town, Coach Diggety Dan in the hizzie.

WLA: And it says here you’re going to be playing the Laff Haus in Frankenmuth on Sunday.

CMD: Yes, come for the chicken, stay for the hilarious jokes that I will be telling.  And apple strudel. [stares straight forward angrily]

WLA: We’re just about out of time, so just a couple more questions.  What’s your favorite joke you ever told.

CMD: Remember that one about Mike Hart being short?  Pure gold, Jerry.  Pure gold. [pounds fist against table]

WLA: Is there one joke you’d like to leave us with?

CMD: Sure.  You know how to do a knock knock joke?

WLA: Ummm, yeah.

CMD: OK.  Knock, knock.

WLA: Who’s there?

CMD: Pride comes before the fall.

WLA: Pride comes before the fall, who?

CMD: Pride comes before the fall and a new defensive coordinator comes before the spring.  YOU FUCKIN’ LISTENING NARDUZZI?

Well, on that note, we’d like to thank “Chuckles” for joining us and wish him good look with his stand up work.

I did something early on Saturday that I rarely do, and I’m not proud. I must confess my Crimes to the Revolution: I texted several Sparty fans with less than encouraging words in defeat.

It was a cheap revenge for Appalachian State. A projection of my own inner Michigan Man angst and superiority complex onto people in a time of great sadness. It was, in all honesty, a cheap shot.

Because I was obviously the most important concern of the Fates that day, it was almost guaranteed that Tate Forcier and Michigan would not pull this comeback off. The timing was too perfect. By fore-saking the ideals of fandom we hold dear here, I had brought upon the defeat of the Revolution.

Forever in my own mind there would be the guilt that I’d ruined the man we’d all fought so hard for. I would have to commit football suicide, leave behind Michigan, and cast my lot as bitter, unbiased observer. Six figure paychecks from ESPN to rail on the darling of the week and generate “debate” while flinging feces balls called opinions at the camera would console me, but Michigan would be dead to me. After months of preaching, I’d broken my own laws. I’d gone to battle for Rich Rod and the Revolution, and turned my back when I had the chance to prove my loyalty. Unacceptable.

This was the litmus test of the Revolution. A loss here wouldn’t kill the cause immediately, but the repercussions would be long. Michigan might recover, but coming so close might hinder progress. Once you start falling behind, it’s hard to get going in the right direction again. A win boosts the program up a level. A signature win of the Revolution to point at, providing vast debate capital.

I guess there wasn’t any need to be nervous, as our freshman savior might say. This is New Michigan, and New Michigan apparently wins these games (for now…).

Tate Forcier possesses a charming, insecure self-confidence. Behind his bold proclamations you hear an attempt to convince himself he’s exactly as good as he says he is. He goes into detail explaining how he scored a TD instead of praising God and his teammates and moving along. That’s understandable – he’s new to this situation.

I’m not trying to knock him. When comparing the two QBs, I always thought Denard owned the SWAG line. Maybe Tate’s the guy. If Saturday is anything like his future, the rest of the country is going to loathe the name Tate Forcier. A cocky, smug at times, and very good QB running the offense at a resurgent Michigan? He’ll be inescapable. Instead of hating Michigan for being boring and getting blown out in the Rose Bowl, the rest of the country will hate Michigan because of that little prick running the offense and kicking ass. I love it.

There were a few threads scattered about the intewebs last week that wondered “what happened to Martavious Odoms”. There were also some spectacularly assholish posts in the off-season that tried to bring him down.

You want to talk about swag? How about this little dreadlocked demon coming up with two massive catches during the drive? He gets absolutely clocked on the first one, but pops up and heads right back to the huddle. Did I mention he might be our best blocking WR? Odoms is legit, yo. Recognize.

Tay, as I affectionately call the guy I have never met in my life and would likely laugh at my ridiculously cornbread style, emerged as perhaps my favorite player on the team last year. Something about a scrappy little dude with dreads and top end speed makes my motor turn, mostly because he makes me think of Da U transplanted to Ann Arbor. That’s a long time fantasy of mine.

Does that mean I want a bunch of “thugs” running roughshod over the Big Ten and shooting each other in the streets? Nah. But I do enjoy watching angry, dedicated young men PUT THEIR HEART IN THIS SHIT and stomp some people with a vicious streak that makes the old folks a little uncomfortable.

Odoms is a tough bastard. His catches weren’t routine on that final drive. He dug in for a low pass, had a ND defensive back dry humping him like the Black Eyed Peas were playing and they were at a Junior High lock-in, and oh yeah you’re down 34-31 to ND with under a minute left. No sweat. That is some phenomenal, grade A SWAG – playing a relatively quiet game, a quiet season, and then bringing the playmakin’ in the biggest drive of your young Michigan career.

Now unfortunately,  the outstretched hands of a ND defender weakly tipping a pass meant for LaTerryal Savoy robbed him of a well earned shot at Wolverine immortality. The ball bounced off his leg, fell to the ground, and a lot of people lost hope. I wasn’t in control of my mental faculties anymore, so I don’t even know if I lost hope. I certainly lost control of my bowels.

What a lot of people are going to forget, but is forever immortalized in the unbiased black and white of the play by play, is that Savoy caught the two previous passes that set up his oh-so-close touchdown.

Helped by the confident maneuvering of Forcier in the pocket and the sledgehammer blocking of Minor and the offensive line, Savoy had gotten open long enough to bring Michigan from FG prayer to 3 shot at the end zone – certainly a significant difference.

Life is cruel, and Savoy just didn’t get that score. He’s relegated to the backburner because now Greg Mathews is the hero (as much of a hero as one can be when compared to our new Lord and Savior Forcier, the Tebow of the North) and there’s nothing he can do about it.

Yeah, that Greg Mathews. The guy I actually somehow almost forgot was on the team when they mentioned him at the start. Me? Drinking? Never ….

Remember just a few days ago when Greg was Suspect #1 for “current player sources” in The Story? Yeah, I mean, I agreed with that theory … turns out it’s probably not true. I doubt he’d still be around, and I don’t even more he’d be busting his ass to make his cut and get open for long enough that Boy Wonder could deliver him the ball in the corner of the field for the winner.

When I watch, re-watch, slow down, watch again, and watch that final TD some more, I see a guy running aimlessly through the end zone because he was probably in the same mental state I was – shaking, screaming, confused, a little frightened, and about to collapse from pure excitement.

Ah, the duality of life.

At least it turns out the Universe isn’t out to screw me so much as I’m a narcissistic paranoid bastard. Good to know for future reference.

A special thanks to WLA Revolutionary Comrade mjvancamp for his massive contributions to this series.

A special thanks to WLA Revolutionary Comrade mjvancamp for his massive contributions to this series.

The Abused
Those poor bastard sons of East Lansing who have suffered the greatest humiliation under the mud strewed boots of our fellow Wolverine comrades who have come before us.

Bobby Williams
Position: Head Coach 2000-2002

Highlight: Mr. Williams’ Spartans were thrashed 49-3 at the hands of Comrade Carr’s 2002 unit, the Spartans’ worst in loss in 55 years. Please note the significance of this point as this is an institution that has taken incredible losses to a new level. Two days following the humiliating defeat, Mr. Williams was relieved of his duties as head coach of the Spartans. Mr. Williams sealed his fate when asked during the post-game press conference if he had lost his team with his response “I don’t know.” Athletic Director Ron Mason’s response, “if he wasn’t sure, who was?”

Where Is He Now: Following a trip to Radio Shack to purchase LoJack to better locate a lost football team stolen at the hands of your most bitterest (a small tribute to the English program at MSU), Mr. Williams returned to the shadow under the wing of his old boss, Satan (aka Nick Saban). Following Satan from LSU to the Miami Dolphins to Alabama, where he is now the Tight Ends and Special Teams coach.

Drew Stanton
Position: Quarterback 2003-2006

Highlight: Having grown up in Okemos, Michigan, a suburb of Lansing, Mr. Stanton developed a colorful nickname for our beloved school, “The University of Puke,” thus demonstrating the originality of the unwashed barbarians from the northwest. Mr. Stanton had led his team to a 4-3 record entering the battle in the Big House. After staking the Spartans to a first half double digit lead, Mr. Stanton learned a valuable lesson: Guns don’t kill people, Lamar Woodley kills people. During a scramble, Mr Stanton was apprehended and driven into the turf by Comrade Woodley. The result was a dislocated shoulder and the stage was set for BraylonFest 2004.

Where Is He Now: Mr. Stanton was selected by the Detroit Lions with the 43rd overall pick in the 2007 NFL Draft. Not only was he cursed with joining the only institute in the State of Michigan more futile than the Spartan Football team (he must feel at home), he was placed on season-ending Injured Reserve during training camp on August 3, 2007 after having knee surgery. In 2008, as Mr. Stanton prepared for Year 2 of his NFL experience, he sprained his thumb on his throwing hand during preseason, keeping him out the remainder of the preseason. Now the GM who drafted him has been fired. As a polite reminder, the members of the WLA wish to inform Mr. Stanton that Karma’s a bitch. And now you are her bitch.

Other Notes: Mr. Stanton was a member of the national fraternity Sigma Alpha Epsilon at Michigan State University. Brah!!

Jaren Hayes
Position: Cornerback 2002-2005
Ross Weaver
Position: Cornerback 2006-2009

Highlight: The WLA has lumped these two, well, lumps together even though their respective moments of fame were separated by three years, as they have shared the same fate, and nickname: “Toast.” When the crowds of Michigan Stadium last saw Mr. Hayes, he was providing his finest effort to contribute to the highlights of the Braylon Edwards’ Touchdown Party 2004, having been the kind victim of the two leaping TD receptions in the final quarter of Michigan’s 17-point comeback against the Spartans.

The product of Southfield, MI, Mr. Weaver should have known better than to play cornerback at MSU, given the fact that some unfortunate soul will be selected by the Hand of Providence to fall victim to the wide receivers of our fellow Wolverines. Mr. Weaver’s moment of glory came with just over two minutes left in Little Brother’s futile effort to conquer our heroes in 2007.

Both Mr. Weaver and Mr. Hayes shall be forever immortalized in the photographs included:

Where Are They Now: Mr. Weaver remains a junior with the rabble from East Lansing and shall attempt to redeem himself this weekend. As for Mr. Hayes, his last known sighting was recorded as he was admitted to the Michigan State University Hospital for the Mental Diminished and Emotional Damaged, resident population of 36,072 (the same as the undergrad population of MSU). The poor bastard.